The Bay Area Sports Machine

Just Wow

2010-11-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, I had to sell my soul to satan in order to make this shit happen. Here's what I've been up to:

Zip Zap Rap

2010-03-09T22:48:00.001-08:00

Biedrins

2010-02-27T18:02:00.001-08:00

Check out this pic of Biedrins trying to yank this dude's finger off. What a cool guy.

What the hell is the point

2009-09-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

but anyway, another fantastic blog:

http://accidentaldong.blogspot.com/

The name says it all.

Hiatus

2009-08-24T18:36:00.001-07:00

[Update: Still Dancing.]

Week long. I'll mostly be up in the clubs, in case you need me. My shit's gonna be on fire.

Sorry For Not Reporting On the Giants' Ongoing Gayness Extravaganza, Too Busy Getting Shit-tossed At The Diamond Dave Concert

2009-08-21T02:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I was there. And that shit was hot.

Lincecum Was Just A little Embarrassed, That's All

2009-08-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Timmy had arguably his worst outing of the season last night, going just 6 innings, giving up 5 runs, 9 base-runners, and recording just 2 Ks. He even walked in a run, something I never remember him doing.

So what was going on? Just a bad night? A fatigued arm? Did the Reds have him figured out?

Let me suggest this hypothesis:

Tim Lincecum, he of normally immaculate complexion (my gf reminds me of this every time he takes the mound), had a giant zit on his chin last night. I was watching on HD and I could see it very clearly. If it wasn't a zit - which it was - it was some other kind of ghastly, protruding sore of equal unsightliness.

Since we all know that Lincecum is a wee bit on the vain end of the spectrum, and also that this kind of thing - a zit - is foreign territory for him, it's fair to surmise that Timmy simply could not concentrate on the task at hand. He was too preoccupied with how he looked. His whole psyche was a mess. Yes, Timmy is a professional, but he is still human.

It's no coincidence that Timmy spent an inordinate amount of time between pitches trying to cover his mouth with his jersey. Anyone who saw the game can vouch for this, as can the photograph below:

Timmy tries to cover his massive zit as he walks of the hill at G.A.B.

Poor guy. I don't think there's any reason to be concerned about Lincecum's pitching per se, but I think it'd be wise if someone sends him a jar of Clearasil pads or something, just in case.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-08-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes politics can be a little overwhelming. The issues become too complex to comprehend in any kind of manageable way, too nuanced, too muddied by jargon and technical analysis. In times like these, when our governments are arguing themselves into a hole in the ground, we need a clear, strong voice to spell it all out for us. (HT The Internet Is Terrible)

And some more AWESOME Weebls:

Pablo Pandaval Is Seriously Not Human

2009-08-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

During yesterday's game Krukow told one of the most insane stories I've ever heard.

Apparently Sandoval is a natural lefty and only taught himself how to throw righty after realizing he'd never make it as an outfielder.

That's crazy enough, given that Sanodval has a freaking cannon over at 3B. People just don't throw with both arms like that. It doesn't happen.

What's really absurd though is that according to Krukow, Sandoval can throw a baseball from homeplate into McCovey Cove...with both hands!!!

That's 370 feet, people. Over 125 yards.

Sandoval's feat is like one of those doctored Reebok football commercials, except it's real.

That's fucking pandamonium.

-----

And doesn't this make you wonder what it would be like if Pablo pitched. Could you imagine having a switch-pitcher who could also hit like he does? Holy shit. He'd be the greatest baseball player in the history of the universe.

Reason 8,004 Why the Internet is Better Than Everything Else Combined

2009-08-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I'd much rather see this than the actual thing:

• In other news, I spent about 10 hours playing Dragon Warrior this weekend on vNES. I was fucking owning that shit. I was up to Lvl 14, with a Broad Sword, the Full Plate, and the Large Shield, plus Dragon Scales, two pairs of Wings, 6(!) Magic Keys, and about 8K in gold.

I was mostly just hanging out on that little island south of Rimuldar putting the beatdown on a cadre of Wyverns, Gold Men, and Wolflords.

Anyway, when I went to go save the game, my save code got all messed up when I copy and pasted it and now I can't get it back. That shit pisses me off to no end.

If anyone out there in internet-land has a save code for Dragon Warrior on vNES – more or less around Lvl 14-ish – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE e-mail me with it. I'll totally give you a handjob, or whatever you're into.

Hey Gary Peterson, Zip It

2009-08-16T09:28:00.001-07:00

In the San Jose Merc this morning, GP writes an adjunct column about the Giants-Mets showdown from yesterday afternoon. The headline: "Cain Should Have Kept His Cap On". Read it here.

If you didn't see the game, GP is referring to when Cain was pulled from the game in the 8th inning and, while walking off the field, proceeded to tip his cap to the Mets fans as they showered him with a symphony of boo's. Mets fans were boo-ing, of course, because earlier in the game, Cain put a 95mph pill straight into David Wright's earhole. It was pretty much the sickest HBP I've ever seen. Wright left the game and eventually was hospitalized. So, for the remainder of the game, Mets fans let Cain hear it. And as you know, Mets fans aren't generally all that shy about airing their displeasure.

Anyway, fast forward to the 8th. Cain's walking off the hill and the fans do their usual routine of boo-ing and screaming obscenities at him. What does Cain do? He tips his fucking cap!!! Hah. That's fucking gamesmanship bitches. It was totally unexpected, totally out of character for Cain, and totally fucking great. It was basically a giant F-U to everyone in attendance.

Gary Peterson, like Mark Grace (who, unfortunately for my ears, was doing the color for the Fox broadcast), didn't quite see it that way.

Peterson writes:

"[Cain] had to have known his gesture would look like a sarcastic affront to the booing fans. It was the wrong thing to do, and the wrong place to do it."

Gracie's point was that (I'm paraphrasing here) by tipping his cap, Cain showed that he didn't care that he hit David Wright, that the gesture lacked class, sportsmanship, blah, blah, blah.

First of all, Grace's point that Cain's gesture showed he didn't care about what happened to Wright is absolute bullshit. As soon as Wright went down, Cain was on his knees, halfway to homeplate, with his head in his hat, looking like a kid who's just buried his dog. In fact, at the time of the HBP, while the trainers were out tending to Wright, Grace said verbatim, "No one feels worse about this than Matt Cain." He was right. And I'm sure if you asked Cain right now he'd still say he feels awful.

As for Peterson's totally unqualified assessment that Cain's move was "the wrong thing to do, and the wrong place to do it"...

Because Peterson never once in the entire article explains, even cursorily, why it was the wrong thing to do, we have to infer that he's making a moral claim here. This is like when I used to light firecrackers up the ass of squirrels and my mom would say "Little Machine, you can't do that." And I'd say, "Why the fuck not?" And she'd say, "Because it's wrong. It's just plain wrong and that's all there is to it."

Okay, fine. If there's no explanation, we're dealing with a priori ethics, categorical imperatives, that kind of shit. THOU SHALT NOT TIP THY CAP TO THOUST OPPOSING CROWD. So says Gary Peterson.

Well fuck that, says I. Baseball isn't a moral stage, as much as sportwriters and the perpetually sanctimonious (very often the same beast) wished it were. The Machine don't give a fuck that Matt Cain tipped his cap to the Mets fans for the same reason the Machine don't give a fuck that Bary Bonds would take his sweet-ass time watching his homeruns from the batter's box, or that LeBron James didn't shake hands with the Magic, or that Chad OchoFaggo does a little dance when he scores a touchdown. Sports are theater, people. I've said it once and I'll say it again, these people are not fucking role models. So long as Matt Cain gets peeps out, he can do just about whatever he wants. If in his next start in Cincinnati, Matty C comes out of the game and feels like whipping out his dick and peeing all over homeplate, then so be it.

Finally, what gets me most irked about Peterson's article is what happens at the end of it. Peterson's backwashing is subsumed in the final paragraph. It reads:

"If this winds up being a "note to self" moment for Cain, no harm done [backpedal alert, backpedal alert]. But if the wheels on the team's bandwagon begin wobbling over the next couple days, Cain may discover he tipped more than his cap Saturday afternoon."

Holy fuck, Peterson. Spin your brain back on. Are you seriously suggesting that by tipping his cap, Matt Cain is potentially responsible for derailing the Giants' playoff push? Is this a mojo thing? Karma? A tempting of the fates? Jeeeeezus. He took his fucking hat off. THAT IS ALL. There is no reading into this. IT IS A NON-ISSUE, has been and always will be.

Since when did sportswriters take it upon themselves to make qualitative judgments on the gestures of athletes? Is this a new phenomenon. I really don't get it.

It's Friday Night and the Giants Are Bumming Me Out: Two Paragraphs In Words

2009-08-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

Baseball, like bowling and Phish jams and Chris Hansen's cadence, and - the BIG one, the one that we understand most intuitively - life (qua metaphor), is a succession of waves, tidal in their sureness. Ups downs, gutters strikes, pits and pearls, that kind of thing. To put it simply, things are good and then things are bad and when they are bad it's easy to forget your way out of the darkening valley. These are clichés, of course, but I recently read this, "Most lives are guided by clichés. They have a soothing effect on the mind and they express the widely accepted sentiment that, when peeled back, is seen to be a denial of silence...Death is the best soil for cliché. The trite saying is never more comforting, more restful, as in times of mourning." What I am getting at is that the Giants are running up against walls of the nevermore. Death panels are convening, so to speak. So what to do? I say we get back to simplicity. Baseball, after all, is a simple game. (More anonymous quoting), "Whatever complexities, whatever dark politics of the human mind, the heart - these are noted only within the chalked borders of the playing field. At times strange visions ripple across the turf; madness leaks out. But wherever else he goes, the [baseball player] travels the straightest of lines. His actions are wholesomely commonplace, his actions uncomplicated by history, enigma, holocaust or dream." Simplicity then. Digging in, eyes forward, the rolling up of sleeves. See the ball, hit the ball. Catch. Throw. Recapture that passion for simplicity, for the true old things.

Hope or despair? In Queens, August, in the 100 degree heat, the distinction is unclear.

Silver Screen Magic

2009-08-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching a movie On Demand right now called The Malibu Bikini Shop (1986). Here's the premise: Two brothers - Allen, a recent business school grad, and Todd, a get-a-life beach bum - inherit their aunt's Malibu Bikini shop after she tragically dies in a drunken jet-skiing accident. Allen wants to sell the Bikini Shop and its adjunct properties so he can return to his fiance in Chicago, but Todd wants to milk the shop for all it's worth (for example, installing two-sided mirrors in the dressing room so he can watch the customers change). As you can imagine, hilarity ensues.

Tons of boobage. Tons of awesome 80's montages. Etc.

Sounds awesome, right? But wow, what an epic failure of execution. In the right hands this could've been the definitive comedy of the 80's, but the acting, writing, production, directing - everything - is so fucking piss-poor it makes you want to hit yourself in the head with the teeth end of a hammer.

Anyway, about 2/3's of the way through the movie there's a scene in which one of the bikini shop girls puts on a fashion show. Hands down, it is the most absurd 4 minutes in the history of film.

And God bless the glory of youtube, it's freely available for the world's viewing pleasure. Enjoy:

Holy Fuck, This Is Getting Out of Hand [UPDATE] [UPDATE2]

2009-08-12T14:31:00.001-07:00

UPDATE2:"You know Juan, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself."

Holy shit. My head hurts. I feel like I'm coming out of a 4 day coke bender in Vegas. I just want to say one more time, Todd Tichenor you are a fucking joke. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should go lay down on a fucking knife. Fuck you.

UPDATE: DOUBLE FUCK. FUCK YOU TICHENOR, TWICE. YOU STUPID COCKSMOKING FUCK. PULL YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR FUCKING ASS. JESUS CHRIST! GET FUCKING BENT.

FUUUUUUUUUUCK

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YELLLLLLING! ANGRY! MORE YELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLING!

First Bill Hohn's hatchet job on Monday, and now today's absolutely indefensible 5th inning... I've never seen umpiring quite so bad as this.

Todd Tichenor, Gary Dealing, Bill Hohn, and Paul Emmel GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

FUCK THIS

Hey Bill Hohn, Open Your Fucking Eyes

2009-08-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Jeezus. What a fucking pathetic display of umpiring last night by Bill Hohn over at 1B. I'm not totally convinced that either of those horribly botched calls - first when Sanchez very clearly beat Casey Blake's throw, then when Mark Loretta pulled his foot off the bag by about 8 feet on a would-be double play - would've changed the game, but holy shit dude, pull your fucking head out.

Even Dodger fans have to admit those were two absolutely HORRIBLE calls. You hate to see that, whether it goes for or agaist your team. Because even when it goes for your team, it's A) bad karma, and B) leaves the door open for excuses just like the one you're reading right now.

No coincidence though: When I went to go find an image of Bill Hohn, the first thing I came across was this one of him and Joe Torre talking about how awesome it would be for Hohn to give Torre a mustache ride.

Torre: Hey Bill, how about a mustache ride at my hotel after the game?

Hohn: I'm in. Give me an extra $20 and I'll assfuck the Giants the next time you guys play them.

Torre: Sure man, whatever. I just want my mustache ride. Then maybe we can give each other a few handy's.

Hohn: Real quick before we go. I've been working on my "O" face. Whaddya think?

It's Sooooo On

2009-08-10T14:48:00.001-07:00

Dusty Baker's a Bitch - And Other Monday Musings

2009-08-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

-I hate that guy. Someone needs to tell him to take that toothpick out of his mouth. He's setting a bad example for the kiddies. And he's a terrible manager. Why/how is he employed by a major league team?

-I had a thought about Alex Rios possibly being claimed off waivers by the Giants, but then I read that the mystery team was/is actually the White Sox so that thought became irrelevant. In summary, I would've loved Rios in the outfield, even if he is guaranteed 60 mil over the next 5 years. It's not my fucking money.

-Speaking of claiming guys...As you probably know the Red Sox DFA'd Smoltz last week. Should the Giants make a run at him? It's been speculated that a handful of teams out there have targeted Smoltz to add to their pitching depth, one of the front-runners being the Dodgers. All of a sudden, with Unit looking less and less likely to have any real impact down the stretch run, the Giants are in need of a reliable fifth arm. Smoltz has been abysmal so far this year, but shit, if that guy can turn it around, he could make or break a team's season. If nothing else, the Giants should at least throw their name in the hat to raise the stakes.

-Another guy who hasn't cleared waivers: J.J. Hardy. Whenever I see Edgar Renteria, I cry just a little bit. He's not good. I thought he might be good earlier in the season, but he just isn't. I think I'd like Hardy a lot better.

-But for Wednesday's finale (Lincecum v. Billingsley), this Dodger's series is pretty fucking light on pitching. It goes Sanchez v. Kuroda , then Martinez v. Wolf. I expect a lot of runs.

-All you losers who are officially out of the playoff hunt in your fantasy leagues, don't be a fucking ass and make a bunch of stupid trades.

In Defense of Michael Crabtree

2009-08-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

First, a serious question. Is there such thing as a crab-tree? If yes, what the fuck grows on it? If not, that's a weird fucking name.

-----------------

Everyone knows by now that Michael Crabtree has yet to sign with Niners. Everyone also probably knows that the NFL has an unspoken rule that rookie contracts are based on draft position. The essential problem then: Crabtree was drafted 10th by the Niners but he wants more money than Darrius Heyward-Bey, the Raiders WR who was drafted 7th.

Heyward-Bey signed for 5 yrs, $38.25 million, $23.5M of which is guaranteed. No one has come forward with any figures, but it's been insinuated that the Niners offered Crabtree a virtually identical deal that he turned down.

It's easy to call Crabtree selfish, greedy, petulant, undeserving, immature, etc., etc.

But fuck that. The NFL has a broken system that screws its players on a regular basis. For a lot of these guys, their rookie contracts are the only contracts they're ever gonna see, and the guaranteed part of those contracts is the only money they're ever gonna earn. It's no surprise that 9 of the top 15 picks still haven't signed their contracts. The teams have all the leverage over the players, and they take full advantage of it.

If you think about it, what the owners are doing is a kind of collusion. It's not exactly, but in principle the slot-position agreement is the same thing as wage-fixing. But for the NFL's antitrust protection, the practice of competing firms (teams) cooperating to undermine true market conditions, is very much illegal.

And about those true market conditions. MICHAEL CRABTREE IS MORE VALUABLE THAN DARRIUS HEYWARD-BEY. Remember? That's why we were all making fun of the Raiders on draft day. We all agreed then, and we all agree now, that Crabtree is the better, more valuable asset.

Thought experiment: Some crazy half-dead billionaire wins a contest in which he's allowed to go to a car lot and pick out the car of his choosing. He narrows it down to a Lamborghini and a Porsche. Despite the fact that all his friends and associates are encouraging him to take the Lambo, he opts for the Porsche.

Two days later this crazy half-dead guy goes back to the lot with Porsche because he's changed his mind and he now wants the Lambo. When he goes to do the trade-in, the dealer says, "You owe a difference of 200K."

The half-dead guy is livid, "What do you mean? You should owe me 200K."

"The sticker price on the Lambo is 280K. The sticker price on the Porsche is 80K. This isn't complicated math."

"But that's impossible. The Lambo can't be worth more than the Porsche. I chose the Porsche, remember? I chose the Porsche over the Lambo, which means that the Porsche is more valuable."

Okay, I forget how I was gonna wrap that allegory up in a neat way to make my point, but hopefully it's clear. Crabtree is the Lambo. Just because the Raiders made the stupid decision of drafting Heyward-Bey over Crabtree, doesn't say anything about their relative value.

Finally, about Crabtree's threat to sit out. It sounds like and extremely immature thing to do, but what other option does he have? Without the threat of sitting out and re-entering the draft next year, Crabtree has ZERO negotiating power. He has no other recourse. I think it would be career suicide for Crabtree to actually go through with a season-long holdout, but the guy is completely trapped by the system. Again, the NFL's antitrust protection ensures that Crabtree has nowhere else to go to monetize his talents. It's fucked. The whole situation is fucked.

To summarize, in the words of Silkk the Shocker:

Nigga believe I scheme shit to dream shit the paper
Chasin' tryin' to make mils on the real so stop hating

Just cuz

2009-08-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

My boy Velociman slays 'em.

(If you ever wondered where my political sensibilities lay, V-man is an adequate analog.)

Can Garko Catch?

2009-08-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

Garko ain't exactly knockin 'em stiff, I know, but he'd be a marked improvement over Bengie Molina right now.

Molina has been a flailing idiot for two months. He hasn't hit a homerun since July 9th. He can't get on base and he doesn't hit the ball hard. Opposing pitchers can throw him sliders in the dirt with impunity. Pablo Sanodval, as much as it's possible to throw a pitch that Pablo can't mash, is getting pitched around. When Pablo inevitably reaches, Molina turns into a Double Play machine (who else was holding their breath when Molina pinch-hit with the bases jacked and no outs in a knotted game against the Phillies on Sunday?).

Watching Molina huff it to 1B for the final out of tonight's loss to the Astros, I was reminded of this recurring dream I have in which yours truly is being chased by a black dog with rabies. It's like the air is made of clear jello and I can't move, except that damn, slavering black dog is swiftly bearing down on me as if he's impervious to it. Molina is very much me in that dream, and the end of his career that rabid hound. I fear.

Garko caught some in college and in the minors. I have no idea how effectively. But he won the Johnny Bench Award in 2003 as the backstop for the Stanford Cardinal (Posey won it in '08). No small feat. That at least suggests he'd be serviceable behind the dish. If he could catch and OPS .800 he'd be an immediate upgrade over Molina's effete hacking.

Whoever said Molina was a defensive wizard anyway? The Molinas – all of them – have that Jeter thing going for them. Likable, hard-working guys who get more credit than they deserve. Yadier is a stud, certainly. But Bengie? I don't know. He's at the bottom of the league in throwing runners out. That's not up for debate. Otherwise, does he even call a good game? Is he a guardian of the dish? A wall?

More importantly, is Garko a better bet?

Man of Leisure [Updated]

2009-08-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

That, friends, is the signature 7th hole at the San Francisco Golf Club. The San Francisco Golf Club. The Pacific Coast's oldest and finest. Considered one of the best courses in the world. A.W. Tillinghast's masterpiece, his opus, his Boléro.

It plays fewer rounds in a year than Augusta. No negroes. No Jews. WASP old-money elite and that is all. Which is why you've never heard of it.

But guess who tees up there tomorrow?

Update: It's everything it's cracked up to be and more. Shot a 90. Did a lot of putting, struggled some off the tee, but who cares. Just a stunning track, in all sorts of ways. Immaculately groomed. As clean and freshly shorn as Racquel Darrian's bush. Other than the caddies, big bro and I saw exactly 4 other individuals on the course the entire day. Free to play 2, 3 balls a hole if we so desired. And as fair as they come. Stay in the fairway and you're golden; try to be a hero and your score's gonna suffer. The greens were true and hard.

Other than the golf, the atmosphere of the place makes Bushwood CC look like a bastion of liberal progressivism. These guys like it old school. No carts, of course. No cart paths. No yardage markers. The scorecards are all black and white – no pictures. No yardage books. The caddies are mean and drunk. My favorite touch: sitting on the john in the clubhouse bathroom - The Economist, Golf Digest, and dogeared copy of a Will Buckley Jr. Era National Review.

God bless this place.

Why Not?

2009-07-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to the first episode of David Lynch's Interview Project. This whole series is some nitty-gritty, hardcore Americana. May it get you through the weekend.

Hat Tip (T.C.)

Quick Thoughts On The Freddy Sanchez For Tim Alderson Trade

2009-07-30T12:05:00.001-07:00

Everyone's initial reaction to the trade has been mostly negative. The consensus seems to be that the Giants paid too high a price for Sanchez.

Here are a few counters:

1) Sabean has been trying to get a bat for months. He's probably floated Alderson's name out to anyone who will listen. Could it be that Alderson's market value simply is not as much as some might think?

2) If the Giants make the playoffs this year and Sanchez hits .300/.340/.440 the rest of the way out (respectable but not spectacular), and 4 years from now Alderson is a middle of the rotation starter for the Pirates (think James Shields) and Sanchez is long gone, is this trade a win?

3) Someone (maybe me, but probably not) needs to go back and look at every-single top 50 pitching prospect under 21 years old from the last 15 years and see how many of those guys become consistent MLB contributors. Regardless of Alderson's stuff, what are the chances that he pans out?

4) It might not have been the best move, but it's an improvement.

The Probability of a Perfect Game vs. The Probability of Hitting 2 Grand Slams In a Game

2009-07-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

After Josh Willingham's 2 Grand Slam game two days ago, and Mark Buerhle's Perfect game a week ago, reader Nick proposed the following question in the comments section of the previous post:

"I heard a discussion this morning debating which is tougher, pitching a perfect game or hitting two grand slams in the same game. Which is mathematically more improbable?"

----------------------------------

To answer your question Nicholas, we first need to break this down into its component parts.

We'll start by finding the probability of hitting two grand slams in a game.

In order to do that we need to find the probability of hitting just 1 grand-slam in a game.

Taking 5 random sample years between 1998 and 2008 (using Baseball Almanac), MLB sees an average of 131 Grand Slams every year.

In a 162 game season, with 30 teams, and an average of 4.2 Plate Appearances per game for each player, we get a total of 183,708 total plate appearances every year.

>162(games) x (30/2)(teams) x 18(players) x 4.2(PAs) = 183,708 PAs

>183,708/131(GS) = 1 GS every 1,402 PA's, or a probability of 0.000713 to hit a GS in any given PA.

Now we need to find the probability of hitting 2 Grand Slams. But first there are a few caveats to note:

1) The Grand slams can happen in any of the 4.2 PAs (i.e. - they don't have to be hit consecutively), and

2) We can treat the outcome of each PA as a binary (i.e. - a grand slam or not a grand slam)

From there we can use a little algebra to show that:

Probability of (GS2|GS1) = [P(GS1) x P(GS2)] = 0.00000163

Where P(GS1) = 0.000713, and P(GS2) = 3.2* x 0.000713

*Why 3.2? The first Grand Slam (GS1) must consume exactly 1 PA. Therefore, the batter only has 3.2 PA's to achieve GS2.

> The inverse of 0.00000163 gives us a probability for any one player hitting 2 Grand Slams in one game of 1 in 613,496.933.

Since there have been 345,950 MLB games played since 1900, and 18 players per game, we get a total of 6,227,100 possibilities for a 2 GS game.

Given our above calculations (that 2 GS's will occur at a 0.00000163 rate) we'd expect there to be ≈ 10.8 2 Grand slam games in MLB since 1900.

There have been 12. So I'd say that our above ratio of 1 in 613,496.933 is basically accurate.

----------------------------------

Now let's look at the Probability of pitching a Perfect Game. This is much easier.

We can assume that each plate appearance in a 9 inning game constitutes an independent (disjointed) event for which a positive outcome (an out) is just the inverse of On Base Percentage + Errors.** Each game consists of 27 such events (per side). So, if a team's average .OBP was .500, the probability of an out in any given PA would be 0.5, or 1 in 2.

**We can ignore TOB events that are outside the purview of OBP like fielder's choice and obstruction, because those events assume someone has already reached base, thus making the event moot. Likewise, catcher's interference and dropped third strikes happen so rarely that for our purposes they're negligible.

First, let's calculate the likelihood that a batter will reach 1B on an error, thus breaking up the Perfect Game. According to this Baseball Prospectus article, it appears that Reach-on-error % clusters around .9, but we'll just call it 1.

Then we need to find league average .OBP, which is a pretty good indicator of the overall .OBP of any given MLB roster. A quick glance at Baseball Reference stats over the past few decades shows a fairly steady League Average .OBP of about .330 (although it's fluctuated some, troughing and peaking in the 60's and late 90's respectively).

To get .OBP + ROE we add (.330 + .001) = .331.

But remember, we want the inverse*** of that number, or (1.000 - .331) = .669

***Why the inverse? Just as .331 tells us the likelihood of a given batter reaching 1B, .669 gives us the likelihood of the pitcher getting that batter out.

From here it's 6th grade math stuff. Because each plate appearance is a disjointed event from all other PA's, the algebra is really simple.

To get the probability of a perfect game, just take the probability of getting one batter out (.669) and raise it to the 27th power.

>P(Perfect Game) = .669ˆ27 = 0.000019342169, or 1 Perfect Game per 51,700.5 games started.

Lastly it's just a matter of getting our units in order. Above we found that there had been 345,950 MLB games played since 1900. At 2 starters per game, we get a total of 691,900 total starts since 1900.

Given our above calculations (that a Perfect Game will occur at a .000019342169 rate) we'd expect there to be ≈ 13.4 Perfect Games since 1900. There have been 15****, thus our methodology is pretty damn accurate.

****Yes, I know there have been a total of 18 perfect games. Except 2 of them were before 1900, which is outside the sample we're working with. And Don Larsen's PG was during the postseason, which is also outside the purview of our sample.

----------------------------------

The final step is getting both probabilities in the same terms so they can be compared. As of now, we're looking at the probability of 2 Grand Slams per 4.2 PA's, whereas on the other side we're looking at the probability of 1 Perfect Game per start.

Let's reduce both totals to P(2GS) and P(PG) per TOTAL MLB GAMES.

10.8/345,950, or 1 in 32,030.75 for 2 Grand Slams

VS.

13.3/345,950, or 1 in 25,819.778 for a Perfect Game

Thus it is slightly more difficult to hit 2 Grand Slams in a game.

----------------------------------

Post Script: It's important to note that these figures apply to league averages.

Pitchers who've thrown perfect games – Koufax, Cone, Buerhle, Unit, Catfish Hunter, David Wells, etc. – all have career .OBP-against that are well below the .330 average. The likelihood of above-average and elite pitchers throwing a perfect game is about 35% higher than your average middle-of-the-rotation starter. (Which is why Sanchez's near-feat is so fucking amazing.)

For instance, in 1965 when Sandy Koufax threw his complete game, his .OBP against was .227. Assuming his ROE% is .7 (this is fair because his K rate was so high), Koufax's probability of throwing a perfect game that year was 0.000933, or 1 in every 1,071 starts. In 43 games, that means he had a 1/24.9 chance of throwing a perfect game that year. To put it another way, if Koufax plays his 1965 season 25 times, we'd expect 1 perfect game from him.

To Put it yet another way, if every pitcher was Sandy Koufax in 1965, we'd expect 4.54 Perfect games every year!!!!

My point: Only expect perfect games from pitchers who are consistently elite.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-07-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since we enjoyed some Weebl's. Here are the two latest: Baby Baboon, and Narwhals: Inventor of the Shish Kabob.

My Thoughts On the Ryan Garko Trade

2009-07-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have a buddy who in all seriousness claims that Ryan Garko is the best looking guy currently in baseball.*

Me relating that story to you is about as pointless as this trade.

Fun fact: Did you know Ryan Garko graduated with a 4.2 GPA from Servite High School, which also happens to be the same high school that David Puddy graduated from?

Expect Garko to platoon with Ish at 1B. Garko can mash against lefties, but otherwise he doesn't bring much to the table. I'm not sure this really improves the Giants chances to take the Wildcard. I haven't (and will not) run the numbers, but I'd expect Garko to add maybe 1/2 a win over the remainder of the season.

The Giants still need an impact bat, but Sabean is being a bitch. Scutaro, Sanchez, fucking Adam Dunn. Whoever? I'm sick of this candy-ass offense.

As for Scott Barnes...

Who? Apparently he's having a good year down on the farm. Whatever. If this is the last time I hear his name, I won't be shocked.

*He also claims that Lou Gehrig is the best looking guy in the history of the game. A more absurd claim, you could not make.

Fuck This

2009-07-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

Really? Josh Willingham and/or Nick Johnson! Fucking juggernauts, baby. Someone explain to me how this makes any fucking sense, whatsoever.

Typical bullshit.

Making Things Awkward Machine Style: The Anatomy of A Scene

2009-07-25T16:02:00.001-07:00

The Machine and several acquaintances are at a Michelin Rated restaurant in San Francisco. It's one of those dainty, pretentious, overpriced places that cater to dudes who drive gold-plated Benzes. The Machine has had a few scotch and sodas and he's feeling a little frisky. He's sitting next to a complete stranger, a friend of a friend, who happens to be of African descent. We'll call her "A-A".

A-A: "This restaurant seems a little stuffy to me."

The Machine: "What do you mean?"

A-A: "For instance, why aren't there any black people here?"

The Machine: "Because black people are poor."

Cue the awkward silence music. Everyone is staring at The Machine. You can cut the tension with a knife. But The Machine is completely oblivious. He thinks it's hilarious. Eventually The Machine realizes that no one else at the table is laughing, so he does that move where he shrugs his shoulders and says, "What, that wasn't funny?" Some chick at the end of the table scoffs and says, "Real classy, guy."

Scene.

*Epilogue: Ironically, later that night, A-A and I become boon companions. She was super-cool about the whole thing, saying she was just "a little surprised" by the comment because she didn't know me, but that it didn't bother her that much. One of the chicks, however, apparently works for the ACLU and remained super-pissed for the rest of the evening.

Wherein the Giants Season Is Represented By A Wooden Horse Being Ridden By A Coupla Asian Kids

2009-07-23T10:38:00.001-07:00

Getting My Plug On

2009-07-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

The Machine is guest posting today at MVN Outsider. I talk about what kind of moves Sabean will and/or should make as the Trade Deadline approaches.

Check it out.

Poor Performance Tonight (The Remix)

2009-07-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

My favorite contemporary poet, Mr. Saflo, once wrote a poem called "Poor Performance Tonight". It's pretty awesome. Sometimes when I'm watching the Giants on TV, I change the names in the original poem to match what's going on in the game. For instance, this is how I'd rewrite Mr. Saflo's poem based on tonight:

poor performance tonight, sadowski
poor performance tonight, bowker
you did poorly out there
your performance was poor
and you were poor
sadowski
and bowker

Which reminds me, Ryan Sadowski sorta blows. It's a cool story and everything – career minor leaguer with C stuff takes over 5th spot in the rotation and leads team to playoff berth – but it's a fucking fairy tale. When you throw an 88mph heater, a hanging curveball, and your best pitch is a sinker that only sinks 3 out of 5 times you throw it, you're not gonna have much shelf life in the Bigs. Real life is a bitch like that.

And another thing. We should start spelling John Bowker with 4 'A's. I have no idea how we might do that. But we should do it anyway because Bowker has AAAA-player written all over him. (How's that for lame-ass puns?)

* One final note. You didn't hear it from me but Jonathan Sanchez has become a hot topic of conversation amongst the Blue Jay brass. Halladay? Doubtful. Scutaro? We may have something there.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-07-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

My boy Rico Chips shows us how to make some Beer Can Chicken. Rico is pretty much the shit. Listen up ya'll.

Book Review(s): Jonathan Lethem, Jim Harrison, and Junot Diaz

2009-07-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've done any book reviews here, which is a shame because I've read a lot of shit-kickin books over the last, oh, half-year and for the most part they deserve commentary. I can't – won't – do full reviews of any of them, however, because I've come to learn that most people don't give a shit about books in general, and really don't give a shit about my opinion of those books as a rule. At any rate, here's a quick rundown of a few of them.

----------------------------------

Amnesia Moon - Jonathan Lethem

This book is pretty rad, but didn't quite have the punch of some of Lethem's other Bay Area based novels, As She Climbed Across the Table and Gun, With Occasional Music, in particular. Amnesia Moon is still plenty solid, though. First and foremost, Lethem is a magician with the written word. He is bright, funky, and without antecedent (he smells like Philip K. Dick, but in my view he's a different animal). A true sui generis. Amnesia Moon, his 3rd or 4th book, written sometime in the early 90's, follows a guy named Chaos through a post-apocalyptic US, until he eventually settles in Vacaville and then San Francisco, where the bulk of the novel takes place. I'm not gonna even try to describe the plot, except to say that it rocks. Maybe my favorite thing about this book are the characters' names. Edge, Chaos, Kellog, Billy Fault, Cale, Ilford, Everett Moon, Decal, and a handful of additional minor-characters with cool-ass names. (3/4 stars)

Woman Lit By Fireflies - Jim Harrison

I picked this up because I love just about everything Jim Harrison does. Legends of the Fall – the book, not the movie – is a masterpiece. Dalva, True North, and a book of poems Harrison wrote called Letters To Yesenin are among my favorite books in the history of the world. I began WLBF with high-hopes, but in the end it left me cold. It's actually a collection of three distinct novellas, "Brown Dog", "Sunset Limited", and "Woman Lit By Fireflies", all about 100 pages long. "Brown Dog" spoke to the animal in me, and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but the other two seemed like intellectual exercises that came off a bit stilted for my tastes. The two latter novellas also happen to be about a bunch of washed up hippies trying to reconcile the outdated ideals of their youth – decidedly not my cup of tea. (2.5/4 stars)

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz

Fairly or unfairly, if a book wins the Pulitzer Prize I'm gonna go into it with certain expectations. I need to be wowed at least a few times. On a sentence level, I need the book to pop. On a plot level, I need an engaging story that keeps me flipping the pages. On an idea level, I need to be challenged – but not just challenged – I also need to be rewarded in some way for my intellectual efforts. That is, I need the book, and by extension the writer, to show me the way to doors that I never knew existed, and after I work to open those doors, to show me something worthwhile on the other side. For me, this book fails on all three counts.

--- Aside: [redacted].

In general I'm always at least a little suspicious when critics, as a block, give such high and lauded praise to cultural works that clearly weren't intended for*, or about, them. This phenomena – take 2-Pac for instance – usually occurs because of some combination of ironic self-awareness, affectation, identity politics, genuine misunderstanding of the subject, or worst of all, knowing you're supposed to like something and so liking it. (The previous statement comes with all the obvious caveats (YES, I KNOW YOU CAN BE A HYPER-EDUCATED, SUBURBAN-BRED IVY LEAGUE LIT PROFESSOR AND STILL THINK "AMBITIONZ AZ A RIDAH" IS A CONTEMPORARY POETIC MASTERPIECE), exceptions, et al.

*I won't deign to guess who Diaz intended this novel for. I'm guessing he wrote it because it was important for him personally to do so and for no other reason. But. But. The books characters, themes, subjects, idiosyncrasies are all of a specific, non-universal culture, one that a very few, if any, people on the Pulitzer committee share. I'm just saying. --

Not that this book is all bad. It's not. It's funny. It's engaging. The characters are multi-dimensional, their conflicts compelling and believable. But the really interesting parts of this novel, the aspects of it that if more thoroughly investigated and fleshed out would've offered the book the kind of emotional and thematic heft necessary to make it a truly great and lasting literary work, are mostly absent. To wit, probably the most dynamic character of the entire book is Rafael Trujillo, the true life fascist tyrant of the Dominican Republic who ruled over his country as ruthlessly as any man in the history of the Western World. In the book, Trujillo serves as the central villain. His presence is crucial to almost every event that takes place in the novel. Yet aside from a very brief cameo late in the book, Trujillo's entire story is relegated to a half-dozen expository footnotes. You keep waiting and waiting for Trujillo to make his grand entrance, to dominate this or that scene, but he never does. He's a ghost. A contrived figure who, despite his utter lack of substance in the book, is half of its essential conflict. The whole thing seemed like a cop-out, and the novel was all the more effectless because of it.

I don't know. Maybe this book just wasn't to my tastes, even though I was super excited to read it. I just got the feeling that it was incomplete somehow, that it was written precisely to please a committee of book readers who desperately want to give awards out to books about multicultural, urban subjects. The painful thing is that Diaz is an extremely talented writer, and, I think, capable of way better than this.

My Balls Ache, Pablo Fails to Go Yard, The Sister Sister Chicks, And the Garrett Jones(town massacre)

2009-07-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

• So if Pablo doesn't hit a bomb, the Giants can't put up runs against the fucking Pirates? Is that how it works? C'mon fellas. A truly pathetic offensive effort. Yeah, sometimes you just have to tip your cap to a solid pitching performance by the other team, but not so last night. The Pirates pitchers all basically suck and none of the ones we saw last night were throwing particularly well. It's not like Paul Maholm's stuff was electric. Get on fucking base you fucks.

• Were the Sister Sister girls hot? I don't think that debate ever got settled.

• Am I the only one who'd never heard of Garrett Jones before last night? I know most baseball players. I'd like to think I know every baseball player capable of single-handedly beating he Giants. Apparently not.

Giants In Trade Talks With the...D-Rays?

2009-07-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Here's the situation: I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who's 2nd of kin is a high-level so-and-so with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. This anonymous so-and-so has it on good authority that Brian Sabean and D-Rays GM Andrew Friedman have been in trade talks – and not idle trade talks, but more like any-day-now trade talks – regarding one Mr. Madison Bumgarner, the Giants 19 year-old, 6'4", 15 stone, flame-throwing, crazy-ridiculous wunderkind, whose shit is so hot right now he's probably responsible for like 68% of global warming.

Before getting to the terms of this supposed trade, let's just quickly talk about how awesome Bumgarner is. Prior to the season Bumgarner was ranked 9th overall on BA's Top 100 Prospect List. In January, Project Prospect called Bumgarner, "the best pitcher in the minor leagues not named David Price." And since David Price isn't in the minor leagues anymore (and neither is Brett Anderson nor Tommy Hanson, the only two pitchers ranked above Bumgarner on the BA list), that makes Bumgarner the BEST FUCKING PITCHER EVER!

Okay, maybe not quite that good. But look at these numbers. At 19 years old, with that kind of repertoire, he's just about the most valuable commodity an MLB franchise can have – short of, you know, someone who is actually already producing at the Major League level.

Which brings us to the next part of this equation. Who the fuck are the D-Rays offering up in exchange for such a prime-cut of hot-beef?

Evan Longoria? No.

David Price? No.

Dioner Navarro? No.

How about, Carl Crawford and/or Carlos Pena.

I like Carl Crawford. Dude jacks a shitload of bags, hits occasional bombs, is a badass outfielder, and has a neck tattoo. I can get down with that. In terms of Fantasy, Crawford is the 2nd overall ranked position player behind only Pujols. In terms of weirdo, gay math stats like WAR and VORP, he's among the top 20. Anyway you slice it, Crawford has been a stud this year. And except for an injury plagued '08, he's been a stud pretty much for his entire career.

One thing that might raise some eyebrows is that Crawford turns 28 in a few weeks. That makes him nearly a decade older than Bumgarner. 28 is far from old, in fact, historically, 28 is about the time most baseball players hit their prime. Since Crawford is an awesome athlete – he was offered full-rides from UCLA to play point-guard and from Nebraska to be an option QB – we can expect him to be productive well into his mid-30's and perhaps beyond. Age, for me, is not a concern.

The hiccup with Crawford is his contract. He's technically only signed through the end of this season, but a team-option, incentive laden, 1-year extension, effectively has Crawford under his current deal through 2010. In 2011 Crawford goes on the unrestricted market where the Giants will have zero chance of keeping him out of the Yankees/Mets/Red Sox/Angels neo-Zionist greed-machine*. To give up Bumgarner for a year or two of Crawford makes little sense. However, if the D-Rays or Giants can work out a prolonged extension for Crawford than this deal may have legs.

But even if the extension goes through, I still don't think I'm completely sold. Bumgarner is too promising, too young, and too damn good-looking. He could easily turn out to be the next Homer Bailey, but I'm willing to take that chance. I wouldn't lose my shit if Sabean puled the trigger on a deal like this – after all, I've been harping about the Giants' need for an All-Star caliber position player for two years – but it would still bum(garner) me out.

*Everyone knows about Fred Wilpon and Theo Epstein, but I have good reason to believe that Artie Moreno descends from a prominent Sephardic Jewish family that fled the Inquisiton to Mexico during the late 16th C. As for the Steinbrenners, not only are they probably Jewish-German themselves, but it's extremely likely the Yankees remain under the control of former owner, and Jew, William S. Paley.

And what about the other potential trade-chip, Carlos Pena? You don't have to look up any stats to know that a Carlos Pena for Madison Bumgarner trade stinks like hippopotamus shit. Pena's got minimal swag, he spent the majority of his early career sucking balls with the A's and Rangers, and he's precisely the kind of guy who's skills will precipitously deteriorate once he reaches his mid-30's. Pena will come to the Giants, hit .250, hit 25 HR's a year – all on the road – and be displaced by Angel Villalona by 2011. No thank you. Push toes, Andrew Friedman.

In conclusion, if the Giants are gonna trade Bumgarner, I think they can do a little better than Crawford, though Crawford meets most of my criteria for what makes a good ballplayer. I'd accept Crawford, perhaps begrudgingly, but I'd accept him nonetheless. On the other hand, if all the Giants got for the best pitcher in the entire fucking Minor Leagues was Carlos Pena, Brian Sabean would have some serious splainin to do. That guy would have a boot so quickly and so far up his ass he'd have to put some Tobasco on it, chew it, swallow it, and shit it back out again.

All-Star Week Musings: Part 1.2

2009-07-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I read in the paper and online that Lincecum didn't pitch well last night and basically cost the NL the game because of his poor 2-run performance in the 1st inning. Except I'm watching the game on DVR right now and what these asshats have failed to mention is not only did Pujols botch a would-be FC that cost Lincecum a run, but on the previous play Mauer hit a swinging bunt that should've also resulted in a double-play. It didn't, however, because David Wright sucks. Molina threw a strike to Wright at 3B for the first half of the DP and then Wright just stood there wiggling his thumb around his sphincter before finally tossing a looping softball 4 feet wide of 1st that STILL beat Mauer to the bag, but was such a shit crusted throw that Pujols couldn't keep his foot down. Eat shit, David wright. You're making my boy look bad on national TV.

• Billingsley, unlike Lincecum, deserved his run. Pear-shaped ho.

• Obama throws like a girl.

• Part of what makes it so hard to listen to Buck and McCarver is that I can never decide which one I hate more.

• Now that Best Damn Sports Show has been mercifully put to bed, has Chris Rose become a full-time on the field reporter? Probably always shoulda been that way. He's worthless.

• Ryan Franklin looks like he should be in a Norwegian Black Metal band.

• I heard a song on the radio the other day and the lyrics went: "I gotta a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night." That line was just repeated over and over again for like 2 minutes. Then there was the line: "Fill up my cup. MAZEL TOV. (L'chaim).." Jeezus. That shit had me spitting up my drink. Based on the overall quality of the song – lyrics, production value, vocals, etc. – I really thought I was listening to a children's song. Easily the most inspid shit I'd heard since LFO's "Summer Girls." But it turns out the song is not a children's song but some kind of new-wave horseshit called "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas, and not only is it regularly played on the radio – it's the NUMBER 1 FUCKING SONG IN THE COUNTRY!!!!

Are people really that dumb? It's an honest question.

All-Star Week Musings: Part 0.5

2009-07-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

People are always like, 'Yo, Machine, what are your thoughts on the All-Star Game?' And I say, 'I think the dunk contest is cool except for when people use props.' And then the person says, 'No, not that All-Star game, I mean the Mid-Summer Classic." And I say, 'Oh, you mean that one time a year, usually in early August, when I go frolfing and drink too much whiskey and end up banging a fat-chick on accident?' And they're all, 'Whatever, dude.' And I'm all, 'Whatever dude, you.' And that's usually the end of it.

2 Items For Your Viewing Pleasure

2009-07-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

• First of all, check these bitchin kids:

• Second of all, Yahoo Profile Pic of the Week returns:

Kyle Blanks, 1B SD:

nuff said.

Holy Fucking Awesome

2009-07-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am not a crook.

Wow. That's really all I got. Just wow.

Probably my favorite AB last night was when Chase Headley swung and missed at a slider for strike 3 that ended up plunking his shin. Nice hack, you loser.

*I don't want to take anything away from Sanchez, which is why I'm writing this in super-tiny font, but I think I could probably no-hit the Padres. That team is fucking pathetic. Minus Adrian Gonzalez, who's AVE. has dropped 20 points since the beginning of July, they don't have a single eligible batter hitting above .250. What a joke.

Just Sayin

2009-07-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

So Pablo gets the short-end of the All-Star Game shaft. Victorino ended up outvoting Sandoval by something like 300,000 votes, despite the fact that Sandoval has clearly been the better player so far this year. Not that this is a huge travesty. Victorino is a solid player who's having a good, if not great year (.308/.372/.464 with 15 steals and a half-dozen jacks). Victorino also played a key role for a World Series winner in '08, and who furthermore is a pretty damn likable guy. All this makes for a good case that Victorino is a worthy All-Star.

That said, Pablo has been a grade-A beast, especially over the last few months, sporting an overall slashline of .326/.379/.560, and a June line of .394/.459/.745, including 8 bombs. Those are All-Star numbers. Period.

I write this post NOT to point out that Sandoval has suffered some kind of injustice for which Giants fans should be rightfully pissed-off. Frankly I don't give a shit about the All-Star game one way or another and would rather Sandoval – as well as Lincecum and Cain – not play at all, so as to avoid even the possibility of injury and because these guys could use a week to just kick it and get their rest on.

Instead I write this post to point out the simple fact that Giants fans, though good fans, are not as diehard as Phillies fans. Plain and simple. This is why Shane Victorino scored more votes than Pablo Sandoval – again, despite better numbers, and despite a pretty aggressive marketing campaign by the Giants that included paying for full-page ads in at least a few major Venezuelan newspapers. People in the Bay Area, partly because there are two teams vying for the interest of a not-gargantuan sized metropolis, simply do not support their pro sports franchises with the same fervor as folks in places like Philadelphia. Shane Victorino is an All-Star instead of Pablo Sandoval because he plays in a city that cares more about its pro sports teams than the Bay Area does.

This is relevant because I often hear West Coasters in general, and Californians in particular, point out the "East Coast Bias" of the major sports media outlets, along with governing bodies like the NCAA Tourney Selection Committee and the BCS pollsters. The popular lament is that West Coast teams are not given enough attention, and/or aren't taken seriously, and/or aren't given the same opportunities as teams from the East Coast – less you think I'm constructing a strawman here, just read this. But that complaint is stupid, because West Coasters DON'T care about sports as much as people in other parts of the country. We just don't.

By the way, this is probably a good thing. Californians can go to the beach, ski, go to a gazillion awesome concerts, go mountain biking, smoke legal bud, or whatever, all at the expense of NOT watching pro sports. In Philly, you watch football in the impossibly cold winters, and watch baseball in the impossibly hot summers – that is, when you're not kicking black kids out of your local pool.

Warriors For Sale, BASM Willing To Put Up 2 G's, Offer Rescinded

2009-07-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

Lots of chatter over the past few days about Chris Cohan actively seeking a buyer for his 80% majority share of the Golden State Warriors. About damn time, I'd say. Here are some tasty nuggets from Cohan's Wiki entry that effectively sum up his tenure:

"Cohan's tenure as owner of the Warriors has been highlighted with the longest playoff drought of any team in NBA history. From 1994 to 2007, the Warriors did not make the playoffs under Cohan. Under Cohan, the team has had nine head coaches and did not have a winning season until the 2006-2007 season."

Not only has Cohan been abjectly unavailing in his duties to oversee the franchise, he also, evidently, has a reputation for being a tremendously unlikable, cantankerous, and borderline sociopathic asshole. The Wiki entry continues:

"Chris Cohan sued his business partners to gain sole ownership of the Golden State Warriors in 1994. The Warriors were a popular, 50-win team at the time, and soon turned into a nationally ridiculed loser. Not only that, there was a long list of parties dragged into civil courtrooms by "Cohan the Contrarian" which included his stockbroker, life insurance agent, and primary attorney. Hard to believe, but all were longtime friends. One was the best man at Cohan's wedding and another a groomsman."

Safe to say that few tears have been shed over Cohan's continued legal troubles, including an ongoing tax-evasion investigation by the IRS, which likely is the catalyst behind Cohan's sudden urgency to sell the team. One must, at least, wonder. Cohan's timing is certainly peculiar, in that the NBA's morbid financial outlook is public knowledge at this point – bad, to say the least, and perhaps getting desperate if one is to believe what one reads – and thus the value of its teams are likewise depressed. That said, given Cohan's history of business decisions, selling the franchise low would be precisely the kind of thing we should expect.

But how low, as they say, can you go? BASM gets about 30 regular readers a day. Let's say we all throw in 2 G's – that's 60 large right there. I know a pharmacist in Pacheco who can get a bunch of Vic's and some Xanax at wholesale, and who also happens to owe me a pretty big favor. If I play my cards right I can probably get another 10 G out of the pills. I figure, among BASM's readers and our various revenue sources, we should be able to come up with like, maybe $100,000 all told. That should be enough for a fairly sizable minority share. Then we use that leverage to encourage Cohan to sell the remaining sum to someone we can control from behind the scenes, a sort of J. Howard Marshall like figure who can be manipulated through the ruse of a willing, preferably buxom, ingenue. This plan is not so far fetched.

A better option, anyway, than Larry Ellison, who, by all accounts, is a megalomaniac hellbent on controlling the entire universe. That, I do not want.

Kid's Got Heart

2009-07-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Jeezus. Watch this video of some fucker named Anthony Van Loo, a defender for SV Roeselare of Belgium's Jupiler League, suffer some mid-match cardiac-arrest, literally die for a few seconds, then be brought back to life by a defibrillator implanted in his heart. At about the 0:15 mark you can see his whole body jump off the ground as the Lown waves pulse through his sinoatrial node. That is some wild shit.

Not to self: if you ever have a heart-condition severe enough that doctors determine it necessary to have a defibrillator implanted into your heart, cease and desist the playing of professional sports.

For an enhanced video watching experience, get this song playing in another window.

And you thought soccer players were pussies.

Franchise Rankings: Warriors Bottom Gay, Giants Mostly Top Gay, Niners Utility Gay - So Says the Four Letter

2009-07-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late to the party on this, but ESPN the Mag. ran a feature earlier in the month ranking all 122 major pro sports franchises based on 15 or so different factors, from "Title Tracking" to "Fan Experience" and everything in between. The Angels somehow got the number 1 spot, while the Clippers occupy the bottom-most position at 122.

Where do our beloved Bay Area teams fall?

We'll start with the Dubs, who scored an overall ranking of 109, just out of reach of the Atlanta Thrashers – a franchise I can honestly tell you I've never heard of – but still 10 spots better than the likes of the Detroit Lions. While their Overall Ranking is abysmal, the Warriors managed to take home the title of Professional Sports Franchise Least Likely to Win A Championship In the Lifetime of Its Current Fanbase! Fucking fantastic. As John Ryan of the San Jose Merc. points out, "The Warriors have now succeeded in eliminating all expectations." Good for them.

The Niners score an overall ranking of 87, which is still plenty shitty, if not abysmal. In terms of affordability, player personnel, and "Title Tracking" the Niners score mostly in the 25th percentile range, which all sounds about right given their current lack of direction. Also not surprisingly, the Niners score a ranking of 114th for Stadium Experience. Candlestick is no treat, but why for instance would Dodger Stadium be ranked 22nd? I can at least go to a Niner game and not worry about dying, which I think should probably be taken into consideration for future rankings.

The Giants score just 3 spots higher than the Niners at 84th overall. Again, in terms of personnel, title tracking, ownership, winning, etc. the Giants, like the Niners, are firmly in the lower quadrant. However, unlike the Niners, the Giants score a whopping 7th overall for Stadium Experience, including the #2 spot for Stadium Quality, behind only the Minnesota Wild.*

*This is really fucking confusing to me because the Wild, unless I'm mistaken, play their games indoors. Just in general, how could the quality of an indoor stadium ever compare to that of an outdoor stadium? Are the seats at the Xcel Energy Center made of chocolate or something? Do naked chicks walk around letting you touch their boobs? Do Wild fans get to actually participate in the games? How could looking across the ice at a group of ugly Minnesotans be better than looking out across AT&T at the Bay?

• Some weird inconsistencies from these rankings that raise questions about the validity of the entire project:

- The Red Wings are ranked 1st overall in Ownership. The Tigers are ranked 20th. Mike Illitch owns both teams.

- The Jets are ranked 109th in Stadium Quality. The New York Football Giants are ranked 97th. The A's are ranked 121st in Stadium Quality. The Raiders are ranked 115th.

Your thoughts...

Sabbatical Over, Mother Fucker

2009-07-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

This is where I've been for the last week. Way better than writing gay shit about Bay Area sports. For real.

Now that I'm back, for all three of you who care, BASM will return to its semi-regular scheduling.

By the way, Burn After Reading sucks balls.

Look at this mutt

2009-07-01T11:31:00.001-07:00

If Julian Tavarez was a dog...

Giants Push Cardinals Shit In...

2009-06-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

That was an absolute beat down. Reminded me of when the Mets came into The Phone last year and won like 12-1, or 10-1 in the first game of long weekend series. Game like that makes you realize you just don't belong in the same league as these guys. It's some embarrassing shit. And that's what happened last night. The Giants put the Cardinals in their place, said "Know your role, son."

How's about Juan Uribe! Holy hell. What'd that guy put in his syringe for breakfast? Hitting a homerun like that with your team already up a 9 spot in the 8th is like peeing on a girl after you cummed on her tits. In other words, atta fucking babe.

Timmy, what can a man say at this point? Seriously. I want to have your baby. Every fifth day you bring me out of the gutter. You're a saint, an angel. You're a warm light in a cold, steel-black fucking world. I am at your feet.

I have a specialty cocktail recommendation for this summer. Behold the Gin Gimlet. Booyeah! Drinking a Gin Gimlet can make you look super-suave or super-gay. This cocktail's got range. Plus it tastes like candy.

Tell me that shit doesn't look refreshing.

True Romance

2009-06-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

Where the fuck has this movie been all my life?

True Romance was released in 1993, Quentin Tarantino's 2nd big-screen project (as a writer), the first being Reservoir Dogs, though the internet claims QT wrote and sold True Romance before Dogs ever existed. In any event, TR stars Christian Slater and an absolutely smoking Patricia Arquette, and features, in no particular order, Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Chris Penn, Brad Pitt, Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, James Gandolfini, Val Kilmer, Michael Rapaport and Bronson Pinchot, among others, and yet before about 10.30pm last night I'd never even heard of this movie, let alone seen it.

That fact constitutes a minor fucking travesty because True Romance is the absolute tits. Classic Tarantino, through and through. The plot centers on a Bonnie and Clyde like romance between Slater and Arquette and an aborted drug deal that they've unwittingly become party to, all of it interspersed with smoking, smart, cool-as-shit dialogue, and scenes of relentless comic-book style violence. One scene in particular, between Christopher Walken, a Sicilian mafioso, and Dennis Hopper, a retired Detroit cop, is maybe the best - nay, is the best - mob interrogation scene I have ever seen. Talk about getting fucked-up with some truth.

Watch this movie sometime.

Wherein BASM has the Bubonic plague

2009-06-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

The Machine may or may not return next week. The Machine kindly appreciates all of your well wishes.

What's the deal with Lincecum's stache?

2009-06-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

That is the dirtiest fucking mustache I've seen since 8th grade when we played a team from El Sobrante in a Pony game. They all looked like this:

That's kinda what Lincecum's stache looks like, except less Mexican.

I don't believe in Global Warming

2009-06-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

There, I said it.

This is pretty bitchin

2009-06-19T15:33:00.001-07:00

The Cold Shower Paradox

2009-06-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

In theory, the cold shower sounds like an excellent choice, particularly on a hot day, or after playing some pick-up hoops, or after playing some pick-up hoops on a particularly hot day. But in praxis, the cold shower almost never satisfies. What's the deal?

You head to the bathroom, soaked in sweat, core temperature a few clicks above stasis, turn on the cold water, and then, if you're anything like me, you take one step inside the shower and you go into near cardiac-arrest. You immediately proceed to turn on the hot water and you end up taking a cool -- but certainly not COLD -- shower. That's how I role, anyway. No matter how intent I am on taking a cold shower, it never works out that way.

Am I alone on this? Do you guys regularly partake in cold showers -- and enjoy them?

Hey Sanchez, You're Fired

2009-06-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

Dirty turned in his 3 consecutive stinker last night against the Halos, going just 3 and change, allowing 10 hits and 6 earned, before getting booed off the mound by all ye faithful. His ERA is now 5.43 on the season, with a ridiculous 1.73 WHIP and all sorts of other peripheral stat-lines that make a man want to puke. So what the hell is wrong with the guy, and what do the Giants do about it?

Check it. Sanchez has been awful all season, and in just about every way, but he's been particularly shitty from the 3rd inning on. If you look at his inning by inning splits on Baseball Ref, you'll see that with Sanchez everything gets progressively worse as the game wears along. His strikeout rate falls in a straight line, his walks go up, opposing batters AVE, OBP, and SLG all go up. ERA goes up. Etc. (It seems like the 4th inning is alright for Sanchez, relatively, but the correction is short-lived; the 5th inning is by far Sanchez's worst.)

And guess what? This has been true of his entire career. In particular, Sanchez's K/BB rate starts at a high of 2.76 for the 1st inning and drops all the way to 1.10 by the 5th.

Oddly, Lincecum, Cain, Billingsley, Verlander, Greinke, etc.-- and I'm sure a bunch more starting pitchers in that age range -- ALL peak in the 4th and 5th inning. They tend to have low K rates in innings 1-3, which then spike in innings 4 and 5, and then go back to early game levels in the latter frames. This is probably because these guys take a few innings to get their arms totally loose, get a feel for their pitches, a feel for the opposing team's approach, a feel for the elements, and what have you. This approach has the benefit of allowing these pitchers to go further into ballgames because their not burning all their fuel in the early innings. They also have good enough stuff that they can throw at 85%-90% and still get guys out.

Sanchez, on the other hand, is balls to the fucking wall from the first pitch. His best fastball, his best slider, his best everything, all happens the first time through the lineup.* This works alright for a little while, about 3 and a half innings according to his stats, and then the kid just gets completely gassed. His delivery gets sloppy because he tries to overcompensate for a tired arm by torquing his body. This fucks up what little command he had in the first place. He starts walking guys, starts grooving pitches over the strikezone, and the next thing you know, he's getting yanked.

Here's my suggestion. Put him the bullpen. (What a fucking novel idea!) He's a bullpen pitcher. He's good for a coupla innings every few nights, and that's about all. He can pitch to lefties, he can get K's, and if the Giants need some long-ish relief, they can always turn to him. He'd at least still retain some value.

Or trade his ass. I've been saying this shit since I started this blog. At this point, Sanzhez's value is at an all-time low, but if the Giants can get a half-season of Matt Holliday out of him, then they shouldn't hesitate. Or even Garret Atkins. Something.

*Another argument is that maybe Sanchez is just one of those pitchers who batters need to see once, and then crush him the second time through the order. I doubt it, though. Just based on what I've seen, Snachez becomes a completely different pitcher in the middle of the game. His velocity drops. His command is non-existent. He turns into a complete head-case. But maybe. In any case, the guy still belongs in the pen.

Finally, and then home.

2009-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

We went rumbling through Chico in the hour of the morning when the birds are out and yelling but before the sun shoots up above the mountains. The mountains looked like a long fog bank way out there to the east -- cold, purple, very wet. Out the sliding doors it went beans, berries, tomatoes, beans, nectarines, dirt, berries, tomatoes, like that for miles. That's what I made of the fields anyway, in the half-light, but who knows what was really growing out there. Then an orchard of tall trees that I couldn't place. I thought apples. Maybe cherries or apricots or some such but Jim said pretty emphatically that he knew them to be olive trees, mostly because of the fingerling leaves. For the oil. Big business, he said. Farmers markets or whatever. All organic and shit.

We would've seen the sun right before we hit Sacramento but we were back asleep by then. Instead Jim shook me awake as we wended through the marshland on the north side of the Benicia bridge. I poked my head out the doors and saw a giant plume of smoke mushrooming over the Exxon refinery in Martinez. The brown smoke extended for miles. It looked like China, with the smokestacks and the brown smoke and the flat bay and the old bridge. Really though, it was just a cloud. Like any other. June Gloom, we called it in San Diego. I've heard the term May Gray before, too. I don't know if this was the same thing or not.

Thirty minutes later we got off somewhere near Martinez where the train had stopped for some reason or another. Jim took his bag without saying anything and hopped off and jogged briskly over the ballast and into a thicket of weeds beyond which the chainlink fence enclosing the yard was twisted and torn. I jumped down after him, trying to keep my knees from buckling under my weight. I hadn't really used my legs in days and they ached. I followed Jim through the weeds, then stepped over the fence where he had. I looked down the adjacent road in both directions but I didn't see Jim anywhere. I called his name. I stood there for a minute, waiting, I guess, for Jim to appear so I could follow him. But it dawned on me that Jim was gone. We were home. I was on my own.

Of Today's Many Long Arguments, the Saddest...

2009-06-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

direction is more an abstraction to us than it is to the train itself, the idea of "west" specifically. Or so says Jim. I mention to him the futility of trying to pin down exactly in what way the train -- even granting that it's its own kind of organism -- perceives the "west", whether the train thinks about "west" in terms of the realm of ideas, or if to the train, as Jim is wont to understand things, is merely perceiving of itself traveling contrawise to another polar longitude, by which the air gets gradually dryer through the desert, colder up into the mountains, wet, and then finally all salty once it hits the edge of the coast, where even to god, Jim laughs, "west" is but an abstraction.

But then again, Jim offers back, where does tapioca come from, and who among us has ever seen the shell of a cashew nut?

I suppose we can answer all of these questions via the internet, even the first one. Jim is angered by the availability of this kind of information, thinks it's perhaps the root cause of a future Darwinian-suck of the human brain's capacity to imagine. I, for one, hope not.

I just had a thought

2009-06-09T15:09:00.001-07:00

Around noon at a stop on some random stretch of track inland from the commercial line, a yard bull with a shiny badge and a hard-hat and by all outward accounts a generally nasty disposition, approached our car, lifted his fist at Jim, put up two fingers (indicating what?), and told us to stay low. We did. He walked on with his mouth pressed against the business end of a walkie-talkie. The trained rolled out of there twenty minutes later, without additional incident. Jim smiled, thinking it a kind of joke. I was nonplussed. I believe I misinterpreted the event entirely -- the bull perhaps not being a bull, or something -- but Jim was already asleep when I went to ask him about it.

So this thought: My efforts at understanding the events of the past days have been virtually without return. It is all one thing leading to another, for sure, but the dots are invisible to me.

Then this: The next afternoon, yesterday, we slowed up past a line of police cars parked up against the catwalk of a particularly high bridge, the officers attending to some guy in a baseball cap and glasses crying and babbling about God knows what and with that wayward, canine melancholy about his eyes. Handcuffs, too. Jim suspected him to be an attempted suicide. Hard to argue with that assessment. But how'd he get up on that bridge? One. And how did the coppers know to find him there? Two.

I'd look to Jim for answers, but again he's asleep.

When the Road Beckons

2009-06-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Atta Babe

2009-06-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

Here's to 300 more.

Hey Unit, You just won your 300th game. Feel free to crack a smile, bud.

Bummed Out About Bryce Harper

2009-06-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard of Bryce Harper by now, then I guarantee you will hear about him at some point very soon. Who is he? Only the greatest high-school baseball player who ever lived. Harper is a 6'3", 210 lb. catcher, who put up a slash-line of .569/.689/1.015 in 2009. AS A SOPHOMORE!!! Surpisingly, Harper only hit 3 HRs this year, which belies his outrageous power, as evidenced in the video below.

So why is Harper bumming me out? Because the cat is out of the bag (as whitey would say). After gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated last week under the title, The Chosen One: Baseball's Lebron, Harper has gone from obscure prospect to full-blown super-star.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't really care about this kind of thing -- although I do think it's regrettable for a kid this young to have to endure the Pro Sports Industrial Complex's Hype-Machine -- but now it's a virtual impossibility that I'll be able to get Harper in my fantasy farm-draft. And I'm pissed about that.

Lat year, while doing research for the draft, I came across the above video and this article from The Baseball Analysts, which made me so giddy that I actually had to stop what I was doing and rub one out real quick to calm myself down. When draft day came around, I came this close to taking Harper but decided against it at the last minute, figuring that since Harper was just a sophomore, and the rest of my league tends to be absolutely clueless about anybody who's not on Baseball America's top 100 prospect list, I would have ample opportunity to draft Harper in either this year's draft or even in 2011. So instead of drafting Harper and doming everyone in the room, I drafted the candy-ass Chinaman*, Yu Darvish, instead.

Now, Harper is gonna be, if not the first pick, in the top 5 or so picks next year, and I'll either have to trade up to get him, or overpay with some other prospect. Fucking bush.

*Yes, I know Darvish is Japanese. I just think it's funny to refer to all Asian people as chinamen.**

**It's cool, my girlfriend is Asian.

Adrian Wojnarowski [Redacted]

2009-06-02T13:53:00.001-07:00

I had the unfortunate experience of coming across this article on Yahoo's Sports Page this afternoon --Lebron's Childish Act: When a simple show of sportsmanship was called for, LeBron James behaved like an "immature brat.". In it, author Adrian Wojnarowski, whom I've never had an opinion of one way or another, joins the swelling ranks of middling sportswriters to come out against LeBron for his refusal to shake hands with the Magic after the last game of the Eastern Conference Finals.

This kind of hackery pisses me off to no end, for a lot of reasons, most of them having to do with the fact that Wojnarowski, and his ilk, have completely unrealistic and unfair expectations of sports stars, and that those expectations are very often contradictory. In this case, they expect Lebron to be a remorseless competitor on the one hand (it's no coincidence of diction that we praise our athletes for being "soldiers", or "warriors", or applaud them for their "killer instinct"), and then immediately transform into the most genteel of gentlemen the very second the horn sounds.

Yes, shaking hands after a sporting event is the right thing to do, and it's probably something one should make great pains to carryout regardless of how pissed-off he or she may be, but on occasion, even for the most conscious of athletes, the heat of the moment supplants that little part of the human brain that can distinguish war from simulated-war. In this case, Lebron's emotions got the better of him. Not something he should be proud of, but hardly something to get your panties all up in a bunch about. (It's not like this kind of thing hasn't happened before.)

So that pisses me off. But what really angers me [redacted] is the presumption of these blowhards, the sermonizing, the sanctimonious outrage which they spew upon the sports consuming public from their self-invented pulpits atop Mt. Pious. Here are a few choice quotes that caught my eye:

As it turns out, there’s one thing allowed to happen at the end of a playoff series: Everyone bows down and kisses the King’s ring.

Here’s the question: Who has the guts to tell him that he sounds like an immature, self-absorbed brat?

[redacted]

Within the Cavs, someone needed to tell James that he embarrassed himself and the franchise, but that won’t happen.

He embarrassed himself? (Maybe, barely.) But the franchise, too!?! Really? Let's put this into perspective. Again, I don't mean to bring up the whole NFL DUI pandemic, but if we're gonna start taking professional-sports entities to task for embarrassing or otherwise regrettable behavior, I think we can do a little better than writing, I am not exaggerating, according to Google News, 866 articles about Lebron James' refusal to shake hands after losing a horribly disappointing playoff series. Give me a fucking break. If this constitutes regrettable behavior then how the hell are we supposed to root for any of these guys? I mean, just, fuck. Fuck is all I mean.

[Wojnarowski now completely switching gears so that his hollow criticism of handshake-gate might sound more substantial, chastises Lebron for the Cavs' pregame ritual] Someone should’ve told James that the pregame Polaroid act was belittling and beneath a championship contender, but it never happened.

Too bad Wojnarowski didn't write this article before the Magic series, because then Lebron and his teammates would've known that their pregame ritual was "beneath" them and they probably would've won. You see, Wojnarowski is just pointing out what sportswriters have always known, which is that athletes are not supposed to have too much fun, because that's considered juvenile and clownish, until they get too serious, like Kobe, at which point they're supposed to have fun again and remember that basketball is just a game. (Let's not also forget that the "Polaroid act" was featured on SportCenter 1,000 times a week, and everyone seemed to get a big kick out of it at the time, probably including Wojnarowski.)

All season, the Cavaliers acted too entitled, too arrogant for a team that’s won nothing.

Of course, Wojnarowski never once aired this criticism during the entire length of the season. Never once doubted that James' Cavs would be in the Finals. Never once even hinted that "arrogance", of all things, might be the Cavs downfall. No. Most definitely not. In fact, what strikes me as the most ironic/hypocritical part of this whole thing is that not even a week before writing this article in which Wojnarowski blasts LeBron for his apparently undeserved sense of entitlement -- or whatever the fuck he's complaining about -- Wojnarowski wrote this after Lebron's miracle shot to win game 3 of the Magic series:

“We are playing with history in the making,” Wally Szczerbiak(notes) said. “He’s going to be the best basketball player to ever touch a ball.”

Nearby, Mo Williams still wore his uniform, still a face flushed in delirium.

“What just happened out there?” he asked.

Outside his locker, his knees on ice, LeBron James looked up and offered a knowing nod and smile.

“Just say thank you to the basketball gods,” he said.

The basketball god, LeBron James means.

Once more, he wears No. 23.

Wojnarowski giveth, Wojnarowski taketh away. I guess.

------------
[redacted]

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-06-02T08:20:00.001-07:00

Guess who's Birthday it is today?

That's right...Wayne Brady's!!!

Happy Birthday, Wayne.

In other news, The Machine is going to see Neko Case on Thursday! Holy shit. I'm freaking amped. I don't think peeps realize just how smitten I am over this girl. She hits me right smack dab in my ever-loving core.

Sunday Stew

2009-06-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

Not a lot to share this week, unfortunately. And I'm tired. And, well, I don't know, just a general malaise. Which all amounts to an admittedly poor effort on my part for the forthcoming.

That caveat aside, this week's Stew comes to you courtesy of Matsumoto's Shaved Ice (via Awkward Family Photos):

-- (Wow. Keifer Sutherland is absolutely butchering his little bit with Ben Stiller on the MTv Movie Awards right now. That was hard to watch. Further proof that Keifer just isn't very talented. The quintessential one-note actor. Dude's career peaked in Stand By Me, btw,in which he played what was more or less a troubled adolescent version of J. Bauer.) --

• I don't think this is supposed to be pornographic, but the ends justify the means. Know what I'm sayin'? Go ahead and kill twenty minutes. Thank me later. LINK.

• Probably should've seen this one coming. But funny anyway.

• An interesting article from the NY Times about Brooklyn hipsters inventing their own sports. I'm sort of torn on this phenomenon. On the one hand, I always thought Calvinball was cool, but then again, hipsters doing hipsterish things usually makes me want to punch people in the face. Reading this article makes me clench my fists more often than it makes me grin.

From the article:

"These sports, like vikingball, class-conscious kickball and straightjacket softball, are supposed to be competitive games, but also art.

Circle rules football, for instance, is intended to highlight the common thread between improvisational theater and athletics."

You get the gist. Basically you have a bunch of non-athletic aesthetes, all of whom most definitely sucked huge balls at sports while in high-school (and/or played non-sports like cross-country or something), doing what they do to everything else -- whether it be the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, or whatever -- which is intellectualize it, by making it ironic. Irony, of course, being these people's stock and trade. Lest you think I'm being harsh, the creator of Circle Rules Football sums up the point for me:

Mr. Manley, who gave up soccer and football for theater in high school, said that making up your own sport leveled the playing field — no one knows the game better than you do — something not possible if artists tried to square off in basketball against people who had been playing for the last 15 years.

In other words, these people are saying, We are not good enough athletes to compete in sports that require athleticism, so we'll make up sports that value things we are good at. Namely, being ironic. Brief, somewhat hypocritical, and tangential aside: What doesn't get mentioned in this article, is that these self-same hipsters do the same thing to actual art that they do to sports. As anyone who's deep into the indie music scene, or really into visual art, or has ever taken a creative writing workshop knows, people who lack the artistic chops to produce work that adheres to traditional aesthetics, almost always end up reverting to irony. It's an effective stance to take, especially when your earnest efforts fail, because irony is funny, and people will forgive a lot for the sake of funny. Don't be fooled, though. Irony is the ultimate crutch for the unimaginative. And, ironically, it's the best ironists who recognize this.

• Yahoo Profile Pic of the Week: Jamie Walker

Three kinds of people have that kind of mustache: Janitors, Pederasts, and Jamie Walker.

• I know Father's Day is still two weeks away, but this story has to be mentioned. Earlier this week it came to the attention of a Knox County, Tennessee, court that a 29 year-old man named Desmond Hatchett (click on his name for video) was behind on child support payments for 21 kids to 11 different women. Just think about that for a second.

I don't even have a joke. As a society, do we laugh? Do we cry? This is absolutely mind-boggling to me. 21 kids! 11 women! The amazing thing about this story (well, one amazing thing -- among 21 other amazing things) is that all 11 of these women knew that Hatchett had other kids with other women. Okay, one other amazing thing: because Hatchett only makes minimum wage (shocker), his monthly payments to his children amount to $1.98 per kid.

BASM Rule of Thumb of the week: The difference between your number of offspring and your age should never be fewer than 10.

• From the Because of a Lack of Other Material for the Sunday Stew Sub-Divsion of the Personal Internet-Drama Department: New Deadspin editor Tommy Craggs is running a weekly feature called Why Your Stadium Sucks, in which he systematically tears down the merits of different MLB parks. His first target is AT&T.

Now, I understand that the whole point of the feature is to be critical -- even unfairly so -- and I also understand that Cragg's tone is at least partly tongue-and-cheek. That said, I fucking love AT&T like it's going out of style. It's like a favorite book, or a favorite restaurant, in that it at least partially defines who I am. Cragg's article was profoundly upsetting to me, not just as a Giants fan, but as a human being. That shit was personal.

Adding fire to the flame (or whatever it is you white people say), I happened to be a little tipsy when I read the article, and therefore lacked my usual level-headed discretion. Rather than simply take a deep breath and appreciate the article for what it was (or dismiss the article for that same reason), I decided I needed to defend AT&T in the comments section. Here's what I wrote, sans the benefit of a proof-read. (Note that after posting this, I was swiftly banned from ever commenting on Deadspin again (yay me!)):

[Quoted bits of the article are in italics. Bold is me.]

This article fucking sucks. Mostly because the arguments therein are utter bullshit.

[Cragg's trying to make some point about AT&T trading on cheap nostalgia and a naive fanbase] This, you're meant to think, as you sip your Chardonnay and lazily check your e-mail via free Wi-Fi and gaze beyond the giant Coke bottle and the giant glove at the moneyed layabouts plying the Bay in their sailboats, I live in enlightened-ass Northern California, the locus of Western Civilization and apotheosis of all things good in an otherwise benighted world, and bully fucking for me for being able to indulge in these luxuries daily -- and, shit, if that ain't a scoop of ice-cream atop my already deee-licious slice of pie, I think I'll enjoy a ballgame while I'm at it -- while shit-eaters like Tommy Scraggs scrabble about on hand and knee praying for a mere pittance of my insanely good fortune.

These throwback ballparks are the brick equivalent of a Ken Burns documentary.

Except in the case of AT&T, which is more like the brick equivalent of some awesome historical epic like The Prestige say, in that its aesthetic is entirely modern, and authentic, but which also happens to be contextually historical -- and so what? because you need to have some context, lest you end up with a totally without merit place like Cellular Field.

Re: the entire "Private Benjamins" section [in which Craggs argues the AT&T, while technically considered privately financed, in praxis is actually the financial burden of muni taxpayers]: Reeeeeeeaaaching. China-Basin used to be a place to get your dick wet if you happened to have a a bit of crack to barter (not that that's a bad thing). Now the place is swimming in taxable cash. The new park has been a gold-mine for city and private citizen alike.

but last year, with Bonds at last off the roster and prevailing sentiment now aligned against them, the Giants all but sandblasted him out of their stadium, taking down the banners and murals commemorating his pursuit of Hank Aaron's record

Yeah, I grant you, that pissed me off something awful. But I ask, What in the goddamn piss hell does the Giants ownership's tacit ostracizing of Barry Lamar Bonds have to do with the quality of the ballpark in question? These seem -- nay, are -- two very different subjects.

the dimensions [were] tailored expressly for [Bonds'] bat

FUCKING FALSE! Do you know how hard it is for a dead-pull lefty to hit a ball out at AT&T? Obviously not, or else you would've never written such a dumbshit sentence. Watch a game sometime, pal. It was only by virtue of Barry Lamar's incomparable hitting prowess (and perhaps some additional supplements, which, to this very day, are merely speculative) that the man was able to do what he did. I mean, c'mon. To say that AT&T's dimensions are favorable to Bonds, is like saying that my nuts belong in your fruit-salad. By which I mean, it makes no fucking sense.

the team's animating philosophy that its loyal fans are a bunch of distracted, slobbering morons

Animating? How the hell does animating logically modify philosophy in that sentence? Good god. What tripe.

Secondly, distracted, slobbering morons? Now that's just insulting. I am miffed. Quite miffed.

[In response to Craggs' "testimonial", in which he tells the story of how he once went to AT&T and hung out with Joe Morgan and therefore has bad memories about the place or something]Testimonial (redux): One time I went to AT&T park and drank a bunch of kick-ass micro-brews, had some garlic fries, ate a chicken bowl from Cepeda's Carribean BBQ, all while watching Lincecum embarras the Dodgers, from my $10 seat in the lower-deck, surrounded by super-hot chicks, with whom I hung-out, watched Bengie hit a dinger, touched one of the super-hot chick's boobs, had some more beers, threw in a dip, then fucking left after Brian Wilson shut the door on that bitch. Thus AT&T was, and is, AWESOME.

49ers Commence To Stick Knife In the City of San Francisco

2009-05-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

In the words of Fred Simmons, I'm a a little ticked off and I'm pretty much pissed.

According to the San Jose Merc. and Field of Schemes, sometime later today the city of Santa Clara is scheduled to release it's "term sheet" for plans to finance a new stadium for the 49ers. Not that this is really news; it just gives me an excuse to expound my thoughts on the matter.

A brief history: The Niners have been publicly itching to get out of Candlestick since the Yorks took over the franchise at the beginning of the decade, and after plans to build a new stadium on the old Candlestick site -- which included the laughably delusional project of gentrifying Hunter's Point,* a-la China Basin -- were booed off the proverbial stage like a troupe of thespian queers performing a Hairspray medley at a high school talent show, the Yorks turned their sights on Santa Clara County. That was ca. 2006. Since then, plans have stalled. The Yorks hemmed and hawed about the initial deal. Santa Clara city officials attacked county officials, who went after state officials, who prodded Oakland A's officials, who liked what they saw in Santa Clara County, whose officials then backed down from Santa Clara city officials, who then re-upped on their original offer to the Yorks, which head going-over pissed-off the county officials, who then tried to put the kabosh on the Niners deal in favor of an A's deal, who then threatened to go to North Carolina, which took all the leverage away from Santa Clara city officials, who then threatened to rescind their offer to the Niners entirely... -- bureaucratic bullshit, begets bureaucratic bullshit, ad infinitum.

Then the economy got its nuts in a vice and the rumors became whispers and the whispers just a lot of prattle that no one bothered to notice. Until...

Apparently there were some elections a few months back. Who knew? In January, newly tapped Santa Clara city officials began having "secret" meeting with the Yorks, spearheaded by Vice Mayor Jamie Matthews (dude or broad? It's unclear) to nail down a deal that would be the 49ers in Santa Clara by the 2014 season. Back on May 20th -- seemingly out of nowhere -- a deal was provisionally put forth in which a $900 million dollar venue would be constructed on a track of dirt a few miles north of Great America, land in fact owned by Great America and not the city of Santa Clara. Part of the deal then, would require that the 49ers actually buy Great America Theme Park from the Ohio based-company that now owns it, along with all of its adjoining properties.

For its part, the city of Santa Clara has offered to spend roughly $90 mil to subsidize the stadium (or 10%), which it plans to gouge from the thinning pockets of city taxpayers -- business owners, the self-employed, the self-loathing, shopkeepers, zookeepers, hoteliers, sommeliers, gondoliers, et al. The provisional deal has all the earmarks of the usual fuck the fan in the ass public subsidy structure these new stadium have come to rely on (though it's relatively tame in comparison to the gangbang rapings administered upon the raw sphincters of the cities of Miami by Jeffrey Lauria and Washington DC by the prigs running the show for the Nats).

But really, I don't give a shit about the poor schmucks in Santa Clara. What pisses me off about this deal is the very fact that the Niners are leaving town in the first place. York Family, let me confront you with a direct query: What gives you the goddamn right to move the SAN FRANCISCO 49ers out of fucking San Francisco? That shit just ain't right. It's not kosher. Know what I mean?

According to Google maps it's only 31 miles from Candlestick Park to where the new stadium would be in Santa Clara. That's about a 41 minute drive. Really, it's not all that far. Same state. Same basic region. But fuck, man. Do I really need to articulate this? The South Bay is a fucking septic tank for the rest of the metropolis.** When the fine folks of Oakland, SF, and the very idyllic East Bay take a shit, it trickles into the water supply, heads south, and ends up on the doorstep of the South Bay. It's gravity. Shit runs down-stream. That's all I'm saying.

On the other hand, I personally go to about one game a year. If the South Bay is a septic tank, Candlestick Park is a fucking warhead sized hemmorhoid bulging out of the Bay Area's asshole. Any change -- any relocation that is -- is an improvement over the status-quo. So, I guess, in that sense, I'm not all that pissed. Yeah, Santa Clara is lame as hell, but I'd sooner drive for two hours behind 3 billion semis going down 880, than work the side-streets of Hunter's Point trying to find a place to park. I mention this, because I'm fair.

That said, fuck the Yorks one more time. How dare you go behind our backs, greasing the palms of the quislings in Santa Clara, never once -- never fucking once -- tugging any strings in SF to get a new stadium built in the city. It kinda pisses me off, as I've iterated enough times in the post to make the point unequivocal. I guess this all comes back to Lord Greenback. The Giants have a monopoly on China Basin, and there's no way in the great-wide cosmos they're gonna let the Niners in on the action. So where else in SF is there, that wouldn't either raise the ire of the cum-guzzling, effete city-council, or end up costing the Yorks about a billion bucks? (I say we turn Alcatraz into the new stadium and let the opposing team use and old cell-block for a locker room. Talk a bout a mind-fuck.)

Hence, you get a new stadium in faceless, personality-less, historyless, bland, boring, why the hell would I travel to that particular place on this particular Sunday when I can just watch the game on my couch where beer costs fifty-cents, I don't have to pay for parking, and I can jerk-off at half-time and nobody will be the wiser, Santa fucking Clara. Where do I sign up for season tickets?

*Give me a fucking break. According to Wikipedia, the proposed Hunter's Point 49ers venue was to be, "zoned for retail space and housing; the new stadium was to be combined with such elements, bringing much-needed attractions to the historically blighted neighborhood of Hunters Point." Whoever thought this was a passable idea, obviously never saw the movie Straight Outta Hunter's Point. They'd be better off trying to re-zone Darfur.

**You think I'm just pulling this out of my ass? Think again. Here's an empirical point of reference: I have exactly one friend from the South Bay and he's the biggest fucking idiot I know. And he's a Yankees fan. Need I say more?

Stickin' It To the Man-ny

2009-05-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Vote for Manny

Manny thanks you for your support.

Tuesday Tone-Setter: Memorial Day Edition

2009-05-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a brief quote and song from my favorite war movie, The Thin Red Line:

Private Witt: This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed to this night?

In Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian, Judge Holden has a decidedly different take on the nature of war. (The Judge's quotes in bold.)

Ah, Davey, he said. It's your own trade we honor here. Why not take a small bow? Let each acknowledge each.

My trade?

Certainly.

What is my trade?

War. War is your trade. Is it not?

And it ain't yours?

Mine, too. Very much so.

What about all them notebooks and bones and stuff?

All other trades are contained in that of war.

Is that why war endures?

No. It endures because young men love it. And old men love it in them. Those that fought, those that did not.

That's your notion.

The Judge smiled. Men are born for games. Nothing else. Every child knows that play is nobler than work. He knows too that the worth or merit of a game is not inherit in the game itself but the value of that which is put at hazard. Games of chance require a wager to have meaning at all. Games of sport involve the skill and strength of the opponents. And the humiliation of defeat and the pride of victory are in themselves sufficient stake, because they adhere in the worth of the principles and define them. But trial of chance or trial of worth, all games aspire to the condition of war. For here, that which is wagered swallows up game, player, all...

War is the truest form of divination. It is the testing of one's will and the will of another within that larger will, which because it binds them, is therefore forced to select. War is the ultimate game, because war at last is the forcing of the unity of existence. War is God.

Sunday Stew

2009-05-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

This week the Sunday Stew is brought to you by this beastly thing. Enjoy.

• The above picture is courtesy of the website Look at That Fucking Hipster. The name explains it all.

• Check out this article about high-school pitcher Cory Bernard who, in a single day last week, compiled 17 K's and two wins, while pitching both games of a doubleheader in the Cal State playoffs. You might feel that pitching 11 consecutive innings is an egregious abuse of an 18 year old kid's arm. If you do, you're undoubtedly a pussy. Bernard threw just 172 pitches. Shit. As one commenter pointed out, in 1949, back when men had balls, Don Newcomb threw 16 consecutive innings in a playoff doubleheader against the Phillies. Now that's something to write home about.

• Did you know that you're only supposed to use a single-space after a period? That blew my freaking mind.

• Here's a disturbing article about the NFL's rampant DUI epidemic. In light of the Jim Leyritz / Nick Adenhart* / Donte Stallworth chain of events, this seems like a problem that the major sports leagues are gonna have to address at some point.

DUI's, of course, are gonna happen in every segment of society, but you know something is seriously fucked when there are 72 DUI offenders currently on NFL rosters. Just to put that in perspective, the NFL could field an ENTIRE team (plus a practice squad) that consists exclusively of guys who've been convicted of a DUI. But hey, good thing no one does end-zone celebrations anymore.

The fact that NFL players get a shitload of DUI's does make sense though, right? Young men, with sweet rides, who love to party, and who, by the nature of their profession, have been both conditioned to believe that they're physically invincible, and also encouraged to cultivate an abnormally robust sense of "machismo" (i.e. - not admitting to your boys that you're too sauced to take the wheel), and who also largely come from low-income urban environments in which I'd be willing to bet they did not get a lot of driving experience as youngsters**, are obviously more of a risk to take the wheel after drinking than the average person. But let's not talk about that, because it's racist. Right. Okay, good. Moving on.

* Adenhart's story is obviously very different than Leyritz's and Stallworth's, but the fact remains.

**This also, at least in part, probably explains why Asians, Blacks, and women are thought of as bad drivers. It's lack of experience. No one drives in Asia. Low-income urban blacks are less likely to own a car, and so don't start driving until much later on, and even then it's mostly neighborhood driving. Young women didn't start taking to the wheel until the Feminists started having kids in the late-60's and early-70's, meaning the first generation of equally experienced women drivers didn't begin until the 80's. (I honestly believe that by 2030, or therebouts, the women as bad drivers stereotype will be all but dead. If you don't agree, consider that women, on average, have lower car-insurance rates than men. Not good news, fellas.)

• FanGraphs has some new feature called Linear Weights, which let's you see how effective each pitch is for a given pitcher. What's the better pitch, Lincecum's fastball, Santana's changeup, Webb's forkball, or Mariano's cutter? I don't think Linear Weights solves this question -- it doesn't -- but it's a good start.

• Clay Zavada is a relief pitcher for the Diamondbacks. He doesn't have any recent media pics available, otherwise I would post one here. Why would I post a media picture of Clay Zavada? Well, because the guy has, bar-none, the best mustache of any professional athlete of the last 3 decades. Don't take my word for it. Watch a D'back's game sometime. This thing is nearly mindblowing.

UPDATE: I think Deadspin is stealing my shit. Less than 24 hours after posting about Clay Zavada's stache, I see this article. Or Zavada's stache is just too awesome to be ignored. In any event, now we have a photo.

• Good stuff. Kinda makes me want to visit Cleveland.

• Unbelievable -- as in, not to be believed -- article I first saw on Deadspin, about Warriors PR man, and former Soviet apparatchik, Raymond Ridder, who signed himself up for the Warriors World forum under the handle "Flunkster Dude", so he could covertly post comments about how awesome his new boss and GM Larry Riley is.

In regards to a conference call made by Riley to season-ticket holders -- an event that went largely ignored by Warrior fans everywhere -- Flunkster Dude opined:

"I think we are all so mezmerized by what we read in the paper and take it as gospel. I actually enjoyed the call and appreciate their honesty, even if everything was not what we wanted to hear. I would like to hear from them more often. I have already renewed and are part of the 70%, so I will hope for the best from section 121....."

Seriously, Flunkster Dude? Well shit. If you're in, I'm in.

• Yahoo Profile Pic of the Week: Warner Madrigal

I'm not sure why this picture made me laugh, but it did. Maybe because his name is Warner.

• I watched Blue Velvet this week for the first time in a half-dozen years. I'm happy to report that the movie is still fucking nuts. And still fucking awesome.

)

• Carolla gets down with Damashek and the Deaf Frat Guy. Carolla gets a bum rap because of the Man Show -- or so I'm convinced. But when the dude is on his game, no one is funnier.

• Another awesome youtube vid, in a week that seemed to be full of 'em.

• Hypothetical question of the week:

Who has a worse offense:

The Giants or my schlong?

Fuck the Giants offense. And that's all I got's to say about that.

C'mon Wilson, You Dick

2009-05-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

What the F, man? Let's forget for a second that the Giants offense put up 3 fucking runs total in 3 games against Chris Young, Chad Gaudin, and Kevin Correia. Let's not dwell.

With that behind us, let me ask:

HOW THE FUCK DOES BRIAN WILSON BLOW THAT GAME?

Jeezus. This game really pissed me off. I think, given the chance, I could put down the Padres 7, 8, 9, 1 hitters. I'm not kidding. Pitching was never my strength, lord knows, but I am capable of putting the ball consistently over homeplate. I certainly would not be fooling anyone with my 83mph, no movement, heater. But fuck. These guys practically get themselves out. Just lob that thing up there if you have to. Give 'em the old eephus.

I mean really? With a 1-1 count, Brian Wilson threw Tony Gwynn Jr. 3 (!) consecutive sliders on the outside corner. All for balls, and Gwynn ends up walking. Tony Gwynn Jr.!? The guy has exactly ZERO AB's all fucking season. He bat .190 last year. He's Tony Gwynn Jr. for fuck's sake!!!! Emphasis on the JR. Throw him a goddamn fastball. Just do it. I dare you.

Okay, let's give Kouzmanoff and Hundley their due. I mean, those guys aren't exactly sniffing any All-Star ballots, but they're at least pros. So Kouz gets on base, then Hundley sacs him to 2B. Then here's what happens next: (Player, plus corresponding batting average, plus result):

Tony Gwynn Jr. - 1st AB of '09, hit .190 in '08. : BB

Edgar Gonzalez - .157 : K

Brian Giles - .161 : BB

David Eckstein - .229 : Plunked

Scott "The Actual Missing Link"* Hairston - .336 (alright, he's decent) : 1B

*You've seen the dude, right? Hairston looks like he just walked straight off the set of Quest For Fire. Very questionable genetics. Someone needs to put that guy back in his cave. Fucking creeps me out.

So anyway, Wilson's facing three ~~gay~~ straight batters who, if combined into a single person, wouldn't have the hitting prowess of one of Barry Bond's pubes, and he gives two of 'em free passes, including Gwynn, who would subsequently go on to score the winning run. Just fuck.

• One other small note: If I'm a Padres fan, I am straight blowing a load over David Eckstein's performance. It's really cool, if you're into statistics and shit, to bash on Eckstein. He seems to symbolize the eternal divide between the Fire Joe Morgan people of the world and the Bill Plaschke's of the world. Just take a look at this Google search for "David Eckstein Scrappy" to see what I mean.

Anyway,

Not only did Eckstein have an awesome 8th inning AB against Bob Howry, in which the little guy hacked two foul-balls off his leg before poking a single through the right side of the infield, he got the game's tying RBI when he absolutely wore a Brian Wilson fastball in the bottom of the 9th with the bases juiced. Eckstein, all 5'5" 140 lbs. of him, steps into the batter's box with Wilson blowing 99mph gas, sans those pussy elbow guards, and barely fucking flinches on a first pitch fastball as it comes boring into his left arm. Fucking savage.

Seriously, be honest: How many of you would've stood there and taken that shit? Liar. Hell, how many other MLB players wear that pitch? (The only guy I can think of off the top of my dome is Matt Stairs. Dude's a beast.)

Say whatever else you want about Eckstein, but the guy is a capital G - Gamer, baby. Gotta love it.

Steroids!

Warriors Draft 7th in '09, And Thoughts On the Redskins Controversy

2009-05-19T22:35:00.001-07:00

Whatever.

According to the SF Gate article linked to above, the Warriors are looking to nab Brandon Jennings, the lefty PG from LA who turned down a scholarship to Arizona to go play a year of pro-ball in Italy. I read somewhere that Jennings averaged 14 (!) steals a game in high-school. That's bananas.

Really though, is there anything lamer than getting the 7th pick? If you don't get one of the first 3 picks, it seems like you're just as well off picking 18th as you are picking 7th. Someone with too much time on their hands and a head for numbers, run a regression analysis on that shit. Then inform me of your results. Then give me a handjob. Cool? Cool.

---------

I meant to comment on this in the Sunday Stew, so I'll just throw it out there now. On Friday some court in Washington DC dismissed a 17 year old lawsuit against the Redksins for defamation -- or something -- over the use of their namesake and logo. The plaintiffs were 7 Native Americans seeking only that the franchise's logo and name be changed, claiming that "Redskins" is inherently racist. Read more about the controversy here.

I'm pretty much a racist. Unapologetically. That's not to say that I dislike minorities. Nor am I some kind of neo-KKK white supremacist. I'm not even white! I basically just think that our society has taken the whole PC thing way, way, way, way, way, too far to the left when it comes to the public dialogue. And I make it a point to yank back on my end of the rope whenever I get the chance, so to speak.

But, for whatever it's worth, I kinda get the whole outrage about the name Redskins. It's offensive because it's stupid. It's reductionist. Redskins means nothing, other than being a crude generalization for a disparate group of people who could just as easily be classified by more specific (i.e. - more meaningful, and thereby cooler and more interesting) names. The Aztecs, for instance. The Illini. The Seminoles. Even the Fighting Irish, or the Canadiens, or the Vikings, is more creative than Redskins. Same goes, by the way, for any team named the Braves or the Indians. It's so fucking stupid. It is, in fact, ignant. Forget about it being offensive, it's just dumb. There's so many cool tribe names. Why settle on something as insipid as Indians? Makes no goddamn sense.

So yeah, I get it. On this one, I'm taking sides with my autochthonous compadres. Change the fucking name already.

The logo on the other hand, seems fine to me. Logos/mascots, by their very nature, are caricatures. The Redskins one happens to be relatively tame from what I can tell. Sober even. Hell, I'll go so far as to say dignified. It's certainly no Chief Wahoo. I really don't get what all the fuss is about over the logo. But I'll let you be the judge.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-05-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

I really had no idea -- as per usual -- what to post today...that is, until I came across this video at The Internet Is Terrible.

• Morbidly obese: check

• Minority: check

• Delusional: check

Pretty much all the makings of good comedy as far as I'm concerned. Enjoy.

And for a musical selection today, the incomparable youtube star fretkillr gives us a rendition of Elvis Costello's Alison. (The video embedding has been disabled so you'll have to click the link to hear it). If you've never heard this guy, I highly recommend it. He never shows his face and assiduously maintains his anonymity, but there's no doubt he's a pro. This guy straight shreds.

Sunday Stew

2009-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

• Merkin Madness. From the Who'd a Thunk It department, I started reading Lolita on Friday night and it didn't take more than 25 pages (Everyman's Library edition) until narrator Humbert Humbert refers to his ex-wife as an "animated merkin." Here's the excerpt:

"Although I told myself I was looking merely for a soothing presence, a glorified pot-au-feu, an animated merkin, what really attracted me to Valeria was the imitation she gave of a little girl."

Good times.

• Hey Grady Sizemore. Pick your .220-hitting, 6 caught stealing, fucking shit up. You're on notice.

• I went home this week and spent the majority of Thursday and Friday afternoon watching all 10 episodes of the first season of the Starz show Party Down. Needless to say, I am a big fan. All of the characters are pretty funny, but none more so than Team Leader "Ron", played by Ken Marino of The State fame. Quality show. I'm looking forward to season 2.

• A new poem courtesy of SifBlog:

the wall: a poem

i look at the wall
i stare at the wall
interesting stuff
new giant clam species discovered
please end my misery, lord

• DJ Short (seriously, that's his name) at Circling the Bases, takes a look at how Manny's absence is affecting the Dodger's, most notably Andre Ethier:

In the eight games since Manny Ramirez's suspension, the 27-year-old outfielder is batting just .147 with two RBI. In that time, he's seen his batting average slide from .312 to .273.

Ramirez was getting on base one out of every two plate appearances in front of him. It's not so hard to understand why Ethier was among the league leaders in RBI before the suspension.

Yeah, we're only talking eight games here, but SHort also reminds us that Ethier's average spiked 60 points after the arrival of Manny last year and his slugging spiked over 100 points. For all the people out there who say there's no such thing as lineup protection -- tell that to Ethier (Ahem, Baseball Prospectus).

• Yahoo Profile Pic of the Week: Chad Gaudin

Holy shit. That is some kind of fucking beard. In fact, one might say that it looks like a Merkin. Indeed.

• A couple of weeks ago I spoke out against PC ad-man Malcolm Gladwell's ever-infuriating brand of pseudo-philosphical, populist nonsense. In the ensuing week, Gladwell published an article in the New Yorker that attempts to explain how underdog basketball teams can be successful against better, more athletic opponents by using a full-court press.* Okay. Somewhere in the morass of Gladwell's article, if one digs long enough, there is a larger point being made. The article sucked though, so I didn't care to find out what. Anyway, it appears I'm not the only one who's becoming fed-up with Gladwell. On Friday, Deadpsin made the case for why we need to stop aying attention to this guy ( assuming people were ever paying attention int he first place).

*Does it even need to be said? Gladwell bases his full-court press argument on two "underdog" teams, Pitino's Antoine Walker Kentucky team and a 12 year old girls basketball team from Redwood City. The Kentucky team consisted of 7!!! NBA players, while the Redwood City girls team consisted of Roger Craig's daughter, who would subsequently go on to play at USC. Forget that the argument itself is retarded, Gladwell's premise that his case-studies were even "underdogs" in the first place, is just beyond ridiculous. Argggg. Dumb fucking people.

• Fucking racist cameras (via Gizmodo):

• Did you guys see Spike Lee's documentary on Kobe Doin' Work last night? What a weird fucking movie. It's just a camera following Kobe during one entirely unremarkable Laker game versus the Spurs earlier in the year, as Kobe gives a voice-over commentary. It's like a long, drawn-out NFL films video. I have to admit that I found it pretty engaging. You get a really good sense of the rhythms of a typical NBA game -- how and when these guys call plays, the degree to which the coaches determine touches, how these guys communicate with each other and the refs, and all the rest of it. If you're really into basketball, I imagine you'd like this movie. But it is entirely unemotional. There's no story. No arc. No insight into Kobe himself. I guess I'm just not sure what the point of it was.

• Question of the week:

Remember the song by the Verve Pipe, "Freshman"? Pre-emo, angst-rock, about some girl having an abortion? Stupid song, but nonetheless catchy, in it's inexplicable way. Anyway, here's the question. Are they freshman in high-school, or freshman in college?

Ponder that.

FUCK YOU, PUBIC WIG!

2009-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Get someone out. Jeezus f-ing.

Goddamnit. That game sucked ass.

Giants Lose

2009-05-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

But all is well. Brownstein and The Machine made their triumphant return to the Yard yesterday to watch the Giants tangle with the Nats (pronounced nash). Zito pitched another gem, working himself out of trouble all day along. His line of 4 earned over 6.1 is a bit misleading since Bochey had Zito intentionally walk Zimmerman before yanking him. Merkin Valdez then came in and allowed all three of Zito's runners to come around and score.

Speaking of Merkin... Holy Shit!!!!!! Do you know what a Merkin is? Me fucking neither.

As we were watching Valdez warm up in the pen yesterday, Brownstein informed me that a Merkin is a fucking pubic wig. That's right. Look that shit up. A fucking pubic wig!?!?!?! How awesome is that? Not only is it fucking awesome that pubic wigs exist in the first place, it's extremely fucking awesome that the Giants have a setup man who is actually named Merkin.

So, obviously, Merkin Valdez will hereafter be referred to as Pubic Wig Valdez.

• One other note from the game yesterday: Zimmerman snapped his 31 game hitting streak after grounding out in the 9th. Even though the Giants were down 4 runs at the time, and Zimmerman has absolutely no connection to the franchise whatsoever, he still got a resounding standing O from the crowd. It was one of those moments that makes me proud to be a Giants fan.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-05-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

According to the front page of the Sporting Green, the other shoe has finally dropped (or whatever it is you white people say). Chris Mullin has officially been relieved of his duties as Executive VP of Basketball Operations for the Warriors, a post he's held since 2002. Even though we all knew this was coming, it still stings just a little bit. Mully, for better or worse, has been, more than any other single person, the face of the Warriors franchise for the last 2 decades (including his negligible stint with the Pacers). It's tough to see him go. We'll miss you, kid.

Giants Take Two

2009-05-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

The Gyros steal a pair from the Mannyless Dojo's, thanks in large part to the titanic efforts of Manny Burriss. (And there was much rejoicing.) Since I wrote this post on 4/29, in which I suggested that Burriss be exiled to AA post-haste, the kid has reeled off 14 hits in 27 ABs, to go along with 3 SB's, all the while continuing to flash some nifty leather. I guess we can take away one of two lessons from Manny's resurgence:

1) I don't know what the hell I'm talking about it when it comes to evaluating of Giant hitters

2) Manny Burriss reads my shit on the regular, and pushed by the aforementioned post to the brink of seppuku, made it his mission in life to prove me wrong.

Number 2, obviously, is the more likely answer.

• Something else caught my attention yesterday. Dojo Stadium was a veritable ghost town. At least half the seats were empty. It was a sea of yellow. By the time extra frames rolled around, I'd put the ratio at 1:5, in favor of vacancy. Again, as before, there are a few possible explanations.

1) Mother's Day. Peeps got better things to do than watch a ballgame.

2) Laker game. As long as the Lakeshow are still alive, LA is Kobe's town.

3) Dodger fans being Dodger fans. Which is to say, a bunch of fair-weather asses who wouldn't stick around for nine innings if they were paid to.

4) Dodger Stadium has officially turned into Thunderdome. If you're not willing to pack some heat, then maybe it's best to stay at home. What a bunch of fucking cretins. I don't know that we need to institute martial law, yet. But something, right? Even watching the game, 500 miles away on a TV, I don't feel safe until I strap on my kevlar vest.

----------------

QUICKLY: The Machine is heading to Pac Bell on Wednesday for the 12.30pm showdown against the Mighty Nats of DC. Zito v. Lannen. Anyone want to rub shoulders with the dregs of the sports blogosphere, just say so. E-mail me or some shit. We can go sit in the CF bleachers and throw stuff at Elijah Dukes.

Sunday Stew: Mother's Day Addition

2009-05-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

Whether it be Mother Jones, the Sierra Madres, or even these slatternly tarts -- our Mothers make the world turn.

Here's to 'em.

Manny Ramirez, You Stupid Fuck

2009-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: When all the moralizing gets over with, and we can finally discuss this issue rationally, wake me up. Until then I will not be thinking about steroids.

What I will be thinking about is how the absence of Manny will affect the Dodgers for the next 50 games. I heard somebody on ESPN say [was it Ravech? Showalter?] that by virtue of being in the NL, the Dodgers will have an EASIER time replacing a big bat like Manny's. The rationale was that there was more strategizing in the NL or something, more steals, hit & runs, scrappiness -- I don't know, I was also watching some porn at the time -- so the absence of a lineup-anchoring slugger could be compensated for.

But wouldn't it actually be more DIFFICULT to replace Manny in the NL? After all, there's only 8 professional hitters in an NL lineup, versus 9 professionals in an AL lineup. So, mathematically, the significance of each professional batter in an NL lineup is greater by a power of .13 than each pro bat in an AL one. This is obvious right? Losing the super-star of a 5-man basketball team is more damaging than losing the star middle-linebacker of an 11-man defense.

So, yeah, the Dodgers are gonna feel this one. ESPECIALLY because they're in the NL.

LINK

The Machine Theorizes

2009-05-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Every now and again -- actually quite regularly -- I come up with really stupid theories about stuff, usually inane matters of daily life, most of which are tested by whether or not, after scribbling them down in my notebook, they sound kinda plausible when I come across them again a day or two later. Rather than AHA! moments, these are more like Eh moments.

These theories, by and large, are not only quite stupid, but also quite useless (which perhaps is one and the same thing). They swim around in my head like dead fish in a fishbowl, which is to say, they don't swim at all. They just float atop the surface, or sink to the bottom, or get caught in the faux-rock displays, their bloated carcasses slowly decaying, their eyeballs missing, occasionally emitting a sour odor, and likely to scare away visitors who might otherwise be interested in taking a gander at my fishbowl. On the other hand, they don't have to be fed, and if the other, bigger, more active fish get hungry, they can take to snacking on these dead fish-theories's remains. So, I'd rather not just discard them.

Why not, I thought, instead of relegating my uninspired ideas to the scrap-heap, share them with my BASM readers!!!!???? To that end, this post is the first (in what hopefully becomes a series of many) incarnation of a new feature that I'll be calling (for the time being): The Machine Theorizes.

---------------------

The Machine theorizes that:

The time it takes between pissing and having to piss again, is exactly equal to the time a human brain can optimally perform a given task.

Anyone who's done any kind of prolonged, intellectually rigorous work, knows that you can only concentrate for so long before the law of diminishing returns sets in. Whether you're programming software, writing a term-paper, taking the LSAT's or GMAT's, poring through an abstruse philosophical text, or whatever, it's fairly clear that your brain, like your legs, is meant to be deployed at maximum capacity for a discrete unit of time. After more than an a couple of hours at most, things begin to get a little muddy upstairs. You have to get out of your chair, move around, and regroup.

I would argue that this is why we have the 7th inning stretch. It's why we have intermission for theater shows. It's why we like our movies to be almost exactly an hour and 45 minutes long.

My guess is that at some point in our caveman days, our urinary tract co-evolved with our brains to make this so. Why? Taking a piss leaves a smell. Say you're in the woodlands staking out this week's dinner. 2 hours pass and now you have to take a piss. After you're done peeing, it is in your best interest to move to another spot -- no deer is gonna be walking within spear range of your hot, steamy urine.

When you get up to leave, your brain has to rearrange its immediate cognitive function. Staking out an animal is very different, cognitively, than tracking one, especially for a primitive hominid, whose cognitive range consists of "get food", "get water", "fuck girl", "draw picture of self on cave wall". It would follow then, that taking a piss would trigger this kind of cognitive shift, from intense, sedentary concentration (i.e. - studying), to physical movement. These two cognitive states do not efficiently co-exist. That's why athletes are always being told not to think, but to do.

So, finally, just to clarify, while your primitive hominid self is staking out an animal, you are best served by maintaining a highly focused mental acuity. Assuming you are properly hydrated, after about two hours you have to take a piss. Immediately afterward, your primitive hominid self is best served by temporarily shutting down your brain until you can locate another spot for your stakeout. Thus, my theory.

Nobel prizes have been won for less.

Bobby Scales

2009-05-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Subsequent to placing Carlos Zambrano on the DL yesterday, the Cubs called up Minor Leaguer Bobby Scales from AAA Iowa, for his first cup of coffee in his 11-year career. Pinella has said that Scales will probably return to Iowa in the next few days, or as soon as Aramis Ramirez returns from his calf strain.

I am happy to announce that the 31-year old 2B-man, just got his first MLB base hit off Tim Lincecum in the bottom of the fifth. After slapping a line-drive to left field and settling on the bag at 1B, Scales pulled his helmet over his eyes like he was about to start crying. The folks at Wrigley, being the well-informed bunch that they are, gave Scales a standing-O. Even Lincecum stepped off the mound for a brief moment so Scales could get his due applause.

It was one of those moments that make baseball what it is. Absolutely awesome. Bobby Scales, you just made my day.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-05-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!

Here's to winning a ballgame on the road. Come on Timmy.

Sunday Stew

2009-05-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! Profile Pic of the Century:

Wesley Wright

Normally I reserve the Yahoo! Profile Pic of the Week for the middle of the post, but I think we can all agree that Mr. Wesley Wright's absolutely stunning headshot above deserves its place at the front of the Stew.

Let's pretend that we didn't know Wesley Wright was a pitcher for the Astros. All we knew of him was what we saw in this picture. What exact kind of retardation would you think Wright had? I'm putting my money on Angelman Syndrome

.•Last year, before going out and signing sub-Replacement Level Jose Castillo, the Giants were in trade talks with Tigers GM Dan Dombrowski re: the services of super-utility infielder Brandon Inge. I wrote about it here. At the time, I was supportive of the Giants signing Inge to be the everyday 3B-man, but I was concerned that Sabean might offer up too much in return -- namely, Jonathan Sanchez. I was also concerned that the Giants might balk at Inge's somewhat inflated $19mil 3-year contract, which was at the time newly minted. Dombrowski refused to eat any of Inge's contract, Sabean was smart enough to retain Sanchez, and the deal ultimately fell through.

Well, I just watched the 1.086 OPSing Inge crank his 8th homer of the year off of Cliff Lee. Inge has been a house of fire this season, and last year, even though his numbers were mediocre, in comparison to Castillo he was a freaking Hall of Famer. Not to mention that Inge can play every single infield and outfield position, including catcher, where he logged over 400 innings last season alone. I'm not saying Sabean should've given up Sanchez, but the Tigers were desperate for a speedy outfielder at the beginning of '08, and the Giants had some chips to play with. How much better off would the Giants be right now if they'd pulled the trigger on Inge, even if it meant giving up any of Lewis, Ishikawa, or Schierholtz? If you were Sabean, and you could go back to March of '08, would you deal one of those guys for Inge -- all else being equal?

•How about those MLB "Beyond Dedication"commercials with Tim Lincecum? The one with the dramatic voice over, the grainy little-league footage, cliched anecdotes -- "...doing things like putting a dollar on the mound so he would remember to follow through. Tim's followed through alright." Etc.

I really want to like these commercials, because:

A) I Love Lincecum, and
B) I'm a sucker for sappy melodrama (when done well)

But I don't like this commercial. I think I don't like it partly because all of the the commercial's material is cribbed from Tom Verducci's S.I. column from last year. The dollar thing, the "Freak" meme, and Lincecum Sr.'s borderline drill-sergeantry. I want a new-angle on Lincecum. The whole wunderkind thing is neat, and cute, and it sells, but I don't like the fact that MLB is trying to turn him into a Disney character. It's stale.

•For a long time I have very much disliked the work of Malcolm Gladwell. Though I've read all three of his best-selling books, Tipping Point, Blink, and Outliers, and concurrently have found Gladwell's writing style to be wholly agreeable (especially the way he deftly weaves narrative into his arguments), I've always had the opinion that Gladwell's arguments themselves were insipid, very often contradictory, and at times downright stupid.

I think, probably, Gladwell's most absurd arguments* are the ones made in his 2005 uber-bestseller Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. For those of you who haven't read it, Gladwell's thesis is that humans have the ability to make profoundly accurate judgments about all sorts of things -- especially other people -- based on immediate, subconscious, gut reactions. He calls this act of rapid cognition "thin-slicing." This premise itself is actually quite reasonable and interesting, except that Gladwell loads his book with so many caveats for when NOT to use "thin-slicing", that the reader has no idea what to take away from it.

Anyway, based on the way Gladwell is perceived by most people who read his books, for a long time I felt alone in my attitude toward him. That is until this weekend when I came across this review of Blink, by one Steve Sailer. I was so taken by Sailer's critique that I felt compelled to share it with you guys. The following portion, in particular.

First a quick setup. One of the instances in which Gladwell cautions against using "thin-slicing" is when it's based on a person's ethnicity or gender (in other words, when it's politically incorrect to do so). Gladwell "proves" his point by citing an academic study in which Chicago car salesmen were shown to habitually offer higher starting prices to women and African-American men, which in turn caused certain female and black customers to walk-out on offers that they may have otherwise accepted. According to Gladwell, the salesmen erred in their subconscious beliefs that women and Blacks were more likely to have less car-knowledge than other buyers, and therefore less bargaining power, and also less shrewd negotiating skills. Gladwell argues that in the case of the Chicago car salesmen, they just didn't realize "how egregiously they were cheating women and minorities."

Aside from the fact that Gladwell mistakenly presumes that salesmen who use this strategy make less money over the long haul than they otherwise would (they actually make more), Sailer takes Gladwell to task on a far more flagrant oversight. He writes:

What's actually going on in the showroom is this:

•Women dislike hurting other people's feelings more than men do, and car salesmen are very good at acting emotionally hurt when you try to lowball them. When I've gone car shopping with my wife, I've seen her flinch in empathetic pain when I scoff at a dealer's highball offer. But, after I've bought our new car for a $1,000 less than she would have settled for, she forgives me.

•Black men, for whatever complicated reasons, enjoy being seen as big spenders. And car salesmen are all too willing to help them spend big.

These ethnic differences in how hard groups will bargain extend far beyond basic black and white. For example, a friend of mine who is a small businessman in Los Angeles can rattle off a ranked list of how difficult it is to bargain with the myriad ethnic groups he deals with.

The most ferocious negotiators he runs into are the Armenians, Koreans, and Israelis. The most aristocratically insouciant about prices and terms are the white South Americans.

In response to Sailer's rather harsh critique of the book (which goes far beyond what I've excerpted here), Gladwell posted a stammering rebuttal on his blog (which he has since discontinued updating). Gladwell wrote in weak-half-defense:

It's hard to know just what to say in the face of arguments like this...

That, as Sailer puts it, black men "enjoy being seen as big spenders." Am I wrong or is that an utterly ludicrous (not to mention offensive) statement? Where does this idea come from?"

Here's Sailer's hilarious reply:

Uh, from 10,000 rap videos? From the fact that the world's #1 market for cognac is Detroit, which is 80% black? The mouths of black stand-up comedians? Decades of marketing research? 100 years of car buying experience?

Hahaha! The rest of Sailer's rebuttal can be found here. Sailer goes on to unleash a hailstorm of statistical evidence that more or less completely debunks everything Gladwell had to say for himself. Whether you like Gladwell or not, and many of you probably do, Sailer's reviews are still worth the time, if for no other reason than because they will make you think long and hard about what Gladwell is saying behind his mask of well-crafted and charming anecdotes.

*"Probably" is the key word here. Outliers has its share of mind-numbing stupidity. In fact, the book's very title, Outliers, is a contradiction in terms. In statistics the word outlier refers to an anomaly at the extreme fringe of the normal distributive range and which therefore tells us very little, if anything, about the rest of the population. Statisticians will either discard outliers completely, or, if the data set is broad enough, "cautiously" accept them. What a statistician will NEVER do, is use outliers as a kind of evaluative benchmark. Gladwell, apparently, doesn't care. To him, outliers (Bill Gates and The Beatles being the most egregious examples), tell us everything we need to know about how John/Juan and Jane/Juanita Smith/Chavez, with their 2.0 GPA's and 900 SAT scores, can also build computer empires. Ohhh, if only they had those precious 10,000 hours.

You fucking numbnuts.

For an absolutely scathing and, in my mind, hilarious undressing of Outliers you can check out this review at the New Republic. I highly recommend it.

•Carl Crawford had 6 stolen bases today! Take that Dexter Fowler.

•That Bulls/Celtics series was off the chain gang. But if the Bulls had any kind of inside presence, they win that series in 5. Joakim Noah and Brad Miller were absolutely abused by Big Baby and Glen Perkins, not exactly Duncan and The Admiral. Put a guy like Al Horford or Boozer in the Chicago paint, and you got yourself a helluva ballclub next year. For now the Bulls will have to content themselves with this unsightly creature. Via Deadspin.

•New awesome Sporcle game involving baseball movies. I got 18 out of 32. after seeing the answers, I feel like I could've done a lot better. -- I don't think I'll be giving anything away when i ask, what the hell is Bang the Drum Slowly? A baseball movie staring Robert DeNiro? How have I never heard of that before?

•Amy Guitierrez informs us that Rich Aurilia is starting up his own wine label. That's cool. If you happen to be into wine, then by all means, you should go for it Richie. But you have to retire. Those are the rules. If you start your own wine lable you can longer play professional baseball. That's just how it works. Sorry, dude.

•This weekend I decided to catch up on a couple of Adam Sandler movies that I hadn't yet seen. For whatever reason, no matter how far down the unfunny shit-hole Sandler's career falls, I still see every one of his movies.

First up was Reign over Me, a kind of dark-ish, Bromantic-comedy, starring Don Cheadle alongside Sandler who plays a 9/11 widower and PTSD sufferer, trying to pick himself back up in the wake of "the events." I was shocked that this movie was not vomit-inducingly bad. In fact, there were about 3 to 4 scenes which I genuinely enjoyed. Cheadle's character is especially likeable, a regular dude just trying to keep his life on the rails. Sandler's character, on the other hand, is paper-thin.

I think the movie's biggest mistake is putting Sandler's family tragedy in the context of 9/11. Are we to understand Sandler's suffering in terms of a much larger, national grief? Or is his inability to deal with his wife and daughters' deaths purely his own? I don't think the movie itself ever decides. At once, Sandler is unique in his suffering (his denial of the events), but also symbolic of a broader kind of schizophrenia we all collectively experinced pursuant to the attacks. Ultimately, Sandler's character fails in both tasks, and in the end the movie resorts to a bunch of harried cliches in order to resolve the dilemnas it created in its first 2 acts. Very nearly a good movie, but not quite.

Next up was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Holly hell, what a disaster. Kevin James plays Kevin James, a lovable widower/fireman who needs to -- umm, do something -- so his two daughters will inherit his estate should anything happen. His best friend Larry (or is it Chuck?), is a hybrid version of Billy Madison and latter-years unfunny Sandler. Chuck (or is it Larry?) convinces Larry to join him in a Civil Union in order to protect said benefits -- or whatever. Despite Sandler's rabid homphobia, he agrees to help out his buddy, and spends the rest of the movie reluctantly pretending to be gay in order to convince some vague government agency of the sincerity of their Civil Union. Sandler slowly sheds his biases and phobias about homosexuals and blah, blah, blah, wouldn't you know it, GAY PEOPLE AND STRAIGHT PEOPLE AREN'T SO DIFFERENT AFTER ALL.

Fucking dumb movie.

•Chad Billingsley is straight dealing this year. I hate Billingsley. A lot. But the man is a legit contender for the NL Cy Young. Yeah, I said it. Call it premature if you want. But I am dead fucking serious. The NL Cy Young will be a race between Lincecum, Billingsley, and Santana. Lincecum won't win enough games. Santana will probably miss a handful of starts throughout the season, so for now I think Billingsley is actually the favorite.

•Hypothetical situation of the week:

Say the internet still exists, but in a slightly different way. Specifically, one of three of the internet's primary functions has to permanently disabled in order for it to work.

Between the following:

3) Porn
2) fantasy sports
3) e-mail

Which one would you choose to disable and why?

I seriously cannot answer this question. I think I would say e-mail, because there are a million alternative ways to get in touch with people these days (though, I'll concede, none more convenient then e-mail).

Before the internet, porn was a seedy, very hush-hush, not-in-polite-society kind of thing. Now, watching porn is totally acceptable. That's awesome. I don't want to give that up.

Fantasy sports could exist without the internet, but I'm not exactly sure how. There's no way in hell, I'm giving up fantasy sports.

Take That, You Dodger Asses

2009-04-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

2 out of 3 at home. Atta babe! Minus one Bob Howry choke-job, you got yourself a clean sweep. Very fucking nice.

• Goddamn, I love Lincecum. The guy makes me cream my pants every time I see his beautiful face staring at me in the morning. According to the gun he was still throwing 96mph in the 8th. Anyone who said something was wrong with him after his first 2 starts, was and is an idiot.

• Bengie got a triple!?!?! Holy shit. I missed that one. That is career triple #4 for the big man. Humm, Bengie.

• Manny Burriss needs to stop hitting left-handed. Immediately. Plenty of guys have had to give up switch hitting once they got to the show. No shame in that. Manny needs to be demoted to AA and play a full season hitting exclusively from the right side. For the record, I don't think Uribe is the answer at 2B in Burriss' absence. I don't think Velez is the answer either. Sabean needs to go out an MLB infielder. They exist. Jeff Keppinger is riding pine in Houston. The Rockies have a glut of MI's. I'm not gonna begin to tackle this issue here, but if the Giants are gonna actually contend for the NL West this year (and they are capable of doing so) they need an at least Replacement Level 2B-man. Burriss is not that good. Yet.

• Please don't be hurt, Pablo Sandoval. Pretty please.

• What the hell is Fred Lewis doing in LF? He is a fucking disaster. For such a good athlete, he is one of the worst outfielders I remember watching. He has NO clue how to break on a ball. He looks like the #1 Fan out there. It's a circus act every time the ball is hit to leftfield. How many times is he gonna dive short of a line drive and let it roll past him, or break in on a fly ball only to watch it sail over his head? And I have NEVER seen someone circle a ball quite like Freddy does. He's like a drunk guy running around a hardwood floor in his socks. I don't even know what that means, but that's what it's like watching Freddy in the outfield.

• You know who's a huge asshole? Guillermo Mota. What a dick.

• How bout that Nate Schierholtz. 2 more hits for the team's leading hitter. Can we PLEASE get that guy some more AB's. Thank you.

• 10 - 10 in April. Not setting the world on fire, but good enough to be respectable. Good enough to be in it. By this time last year, the Giants were already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. True story. Day off tomorrow, then 17 straight games to open up May, including an interesting homestand that brings the Nats for 3 and the Mets for 4, on the heels of 3 at the Ravine. A winning record in those 10 games would be huge. In my mind that makes or breaks the month. Here's to it...

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-04-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Giants win the first game of the series in amazing fashion last night. This video seems pretty fitting.

In other news...I dislike twitter. I should say, I disliked twitter. Until I saw this:

Hot Fudge

Okay, Let's Talk Some Michael Crabtree

2009-04-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

On a scale of 1 to 10, in terms of excitement for this pick, I'd have to say it's a 10.

Every year the NFL draft has at least one guy with Crabtree's hype. Darren McFadden, Calvin Johnson, Reggie Bush -- just to name some comparable guys from the last few drafts. These guys aren't necessarily the first overall picks. They're not even necessarily the "best" overall players. What these guys are, is exciting. They make everyone pay attention. They got swag. Even when the Niners had the first overall pick in '05 and drafted Wee Hands, it was nowhere near as exciting as getting Crabtree. Not even close.

Why?

Crabtree has the potential to be the best WR in the NFL. He's got the size, the speed, the hands, and that certain cockiness that all great WR's have. And he's ready to do it now. Crabtree is not a project. Everything is in place. Yes, WR's tend to have an adjustment period their rookie season, and I expect Crabtree to go through some growing pains, but he's no Vernon Davis. There's no reason Crabtree can't do what Megatron did last year, or what Braylon Edwards did in '07, as soon as Singletary and/or Jimmy Raye give him the green-light to do so. Which leads nicely into the one major concern I have regarding Crabtree and the Niners...

All off-season Singletary and the Niners brass have been preaching the philosophy of old-school, hard-nosed, three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust football.* Bringing in Jimmy Raye, opting out of the Warner sweepstakes, and making virtually zero effort to solve the QB crisis, were all pretty convincing actions to that end. Fine. If that's the route they want to go, even though I don't agree with it, go for it. See if you can build a team around Gore running the ball 30 times a game. Relying on stingy defense. Solid special teams. Ball control. Etc. It's worked for a lot of really good football teams in recent years (think Steelers, think Ravens, think Bears). I think that style of football is boring as hell, but again, go for it if that's what you decide to do.

The problem is, where the hell does a guy like Crabtree fit into this system. He's a receiver, so he needs touches to be effective. He does nothing for you if the ball isn't in his mitts. In Martz's system we probably would've seen a bunch of short-routes coming out of 3 and 4 receiver sets. That won't be happening under Raye. The next best thing is to just send Crabtree deep, backyard football style a-la Randall Gene Moss (this is actually a pretty good strategy -- pound the rock and throw it long), but none of the Niner's QB's can throw the ball more than thirty yards. So, what I'm wondering is, how does Crabtree get his touches?

The Niners didn't have a single dominant WR last year. That was by design. Their strategy was to throw three basically identical WR's into the teeth of the zone, and pick the guy who's most open. Again, this is a fine strategy when you don't have a dominant WR, but it basically renders a guy with Crabtree's talents moot. It's like buying a Lamborghini and using it to drive your kids to school. Yeah, it looks cool, but a Subaru Outback is just as effective.

To be honest, I think this is nitpicking a little bit. I think even Jimmy Raye will do what he has to do to get Crabtree his touches. But will he and Singletary make it a priority? Will they do it before Crabtree gets fed up? And if Crabtree is anything like the diva persona that seems to be following him around, he will get fed up.

I guess what it comes down to is that I just don't want anything to fuck up my Crabtree high. The last time a draft pick gave me this kind of hope was when the Warriors got C-Webb in like '92 or whenever it was. I don't ever remember the Niners drafting a guy with this kind of clout. Not even R.W. McQuarters. As soon as I saw Crabtree, I immediately thought playoffs. I thought "Crabtree Era." I thought Pro Bowl. I thought fines from the league office for excessive celebration. I thought racing against a horse on foot. I thought spiking the ball on the Dallas star. I thought who am I gonna have to give up to get Crabtree on my Fantasy team. I thought superstar.

That's really it. Superstar. When is the last time the Bay Area sports scene had a super-star. Okay, Barry Bonds. Before that? T.O.? Has there been anyone from the Niners who's been a superstar since T.O.? (P-Will doesn't count since he plays defense and no one who plays defense can ever be any more famous than how good the team he plays for is.) So that's what I'm after with Crabtree. A superstar. And I think he can deliver the goods.

----

So what about ya'll? I know you're digging the Crabtree, but how much? Does this usher in a new era of Niner football, or am I being hyperbolic? Is Crabtree more Calvin Johnson or Mike Williams? More Randy Moss or Troy Williamson? On a scale of 1 -10 how excited are you?

Sunday Stew

2009-04-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

Tired. Long weekend. This will be half-assed.

• Crabtree! W0w. I still haven't wrapped my mind around that one. Maybe Monday.

• So this is pretty interesting. The first time I watched that, I was left speechless.

• Profile Pic of the week. Kevin Youkilis.

That is one helluva stache. To have a stache like that, you either have to be super gay or super not-gay. There's no in between.

• Pretty gnarls article about Lenny Dykstra on ESPN.com. Dykstra comes off as a complete ass. Like maybe one of the biggest d'bags of all time. Way to go Lenny.

By the way, is anyone named Lenny anymore? Probably a good thing. Lenny's tend to have it rough. There's Lenny the guy from Memento. Lenny the retard from Of Mice and Men. Lenny the pederast. Etc. Do everyone a favor and don't name your kid Lenny.

• Robot video of the week.

• Shut up, Tom Hanks. No one likes you anymore.

• Check out Justin Miller's tattoos! Wow. He plays for the Giants. Awesome.

• Why are all my fantasy players going on the DL? It pisses me off.

• No way this happened. It did happen. Dude is 3'2". (Take the bat off your shoulders meat!)

• I had some A-mazing pancakes this morning. Unreal. Liberally dressed in blueberries, strawberries, rasberries, whip cream, and a shitload of syrup. Fucking yum. You feelin' me?

• Hypothetical of the week:

Say you grew up in Cleveland and then moved to Tulsa when you were 8 and then to Minneapolis when you were 12 and then to Portland two days after your 16th birthday and then you went to college in Miami and then had your first major job in Tempe and then got transferred to Baltimore and then got fired and then started a new career in Omaha. So you're in Omaha and you go to a co-worker's house for a BBQ and you get offered a beer. Then he asks you if you want a hot-dog or a burger. You say burger and yeah to the beer. You play a game of horseshoes with a coupla dudes from accounting. A pretty cute girl who works dwon the hallway from you is getting a little sloppy. She wants to hit the bars. Your buddy Deiter is smoking a cig by the pool. The new guy who just got transferred in from the Dallas office asks you where you're from.

What do you tell him?

This is what I would say, I think:

"A little bit of everywhere. Hopped around the midwest a bit when I was kid. Dad was changing jobs a lot. Before here, I lived in Baltimore."

Awkward silence.

"These burgers are good."

More awkward silence.

"Man, what a nice day. So, umm, I think I'm gonna go see what Deiter is up to."

He says something.

"Actually, Sarah said something about going to the bar in a little bit. I think we'll probably go. You're more than welcome to join us."

"Cool."

"Definitely. Yeah. You have my number. Later."

"See you Monday."

"Nice."

Holy Shit, Crabtree?!?!?!?!?

2009-04-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit!
Holy Shit!
Holy Shit!
Holy Shit!

Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!

Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!

Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!

____________________________

Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!

Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!Holy Shit!

F__k yeah baby! Let's take this show on the road.

2009-04-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

So tweets Barry Zito. And for good reason:

7.0IP 6H 0BB 0ER 5K

Humm, kid. Gotta love the 5K's and especially the 0BB's. Zito surrendered 0BB's in a game exactly once all of last season. If Zito can spot his pitches like that even 1 out of every 3 starts then he'll be an adequate #4 starter.

As for the bullpen, wow. The boys have come through in a big way during the home-stand. At home this year, the bullpen has given up just 4 runs in 8 games, including the 6IP victory after Lincecum's aborted opening day effort. That comes out to an ERA just a little over 1.00. Can you remember the last time the Giants had a bullpen like that? Yeah, it's a little early to make too much of anything but that's definitely promising.

I don't feel like talking about the Giants' putrid offense right now. It pisses me off. I'm gonna wait another week or so, before ranting about that.

---------------------

Quick story: See that picture of the guy throwing out the first pitch at today's game? The story is kind of related to that.

I was at the gym yesterday. I go into the locker room to get my shit after I finish working out. In walks this guy from the steam room. He's like 5'2", maybe 120 lbs. Awkward looking guy. Not in good shape at all. Super skinny arms. Pencil neck. A kind of hunch-back. Sloped shoulders with sprouts of dark hair. Not to mention that his face looks like Clint Howard's.

So he walks straight to the center of the locker room and kind of dramatically whips off his towel. Next thing I know, I am staring straight into the eyehole of the biggest schlong I have ever seen in my life. This thing was fucking massive. You have no idea. I mean, truly indescribable. There were like 10 other dudes in the locker and they were all staring at this guy's penis. You couldn't look away if you tried. It was so big, it was comical. It was like a cartoon. It looked like some kind of sea creature, or like a clubbed foot. LIterally a foot. And it wasn't just long; there was some serious girth on that bad boy. Easily the width of my forearm.

I wish you guys could see it. This guy's penis was one of the truly amazing things I've seen in my entire life. For some reason it reminded me of that press conference with T.O. a few years back. If you don't remember, T.O. is standing in the background with his shirt off as Rosenhaus talks to the press, doing curls and just looking like a complete badass. Gay, staright, man, woman, it doesn't matter. You couldn't look at T.O. and not be completely amazed. It's inhuman not to appreciate T.O.'s body. The man is a specimen. There's no shame in being mesmerized by that. So anyway, that's what this guy's penis was like. He had the T.O. of penises.

Mike Tyson

2009-04-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just got down watching the Mike Tyson interview with Charlie Rose. He was there with James Toback, the director of a new documentary called "Tyson."

I could not be more excited for this movie. Tyson might be the most interesting human being on planet earth. I mean that. He's crazy. He is perfectly sane. He's emotional. He's cold. He's humble. He's solipsistic. He is self-aware. He is oblivious. He is absolutely everything. All sides, and all faces of humanity. And he is really, really intelligent. Some of things he says are sheer genius. In another life he could be Shakespeare.

So, so, unbelievably strange and wonderful is Mike Tyson.

Wow. Just wow.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-04-21T09:55:00.001-07:00

Someone told me that yesterday was "4/20". Right bro? Can't deny it, 4/20 used to be a major event in my year. Now? I don't even realized that it happened. But what the hell, in the spirit of the season, here's a tasty little vid from our old friend, Nick Swardson.

Also, my favorite weed-smoking song from that long-ago time in my life. Amazingly, this song still holds up.

Personal Anecdote as Told In a Single Sentence #4202009: Figure of Speech Made Reals

2009-04-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

I was walking to the bank this morning and I was listening to Jonathan Katz's podcast, Hey, We're Back, which is, of course, hilarious, and I was smiling and laughing partly because the podcast was so funny and partly because it's just one of those spring mornings that you'd have to be made of stone not to be happy about, and as I opened the glass-doors to enter BofA and turned off my i-pod and stepped inside, it occurred to me that I had been "laughing all the way to the bank."

So I got that neat little experience in my back pocket, forever and always.

SUNDAY STEW

2009-04-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

Back by unpopular demand...

• 2-0, 0-2, 2-0

Giants, D'Backs, Giants, in that order. Has that ever happened before? Three consecutive 2-0 games? Nevermind, that's a dumb question. Of course it's happened before. Anything in baseball that can happen has already happened. But it's still weird and amusing.

• Unit looked STRONG today. No-no through 6. What impressed me most was the velocity on his fastball. In LA last week he was humping it up there sub-90. Today he was throwing 93-ish, with location. Very promising going forward.

• At the risk of jinxing the whole thing (and sabotaging a trade attempt in my fantasy league), here goes: Sandoval came out of "it" today. Where "It" is defined as his present sub-Mendoza, no slugging, capital F, Funk. His timing is back. Whatever that means. Two oppo line-drives to the gap. A TRIPLE FOR THE BIG MAN! He took a bunch of pitches. He looked way less jittery. Did you guys see a difference today or am I just projecting?

• Oooh!!! Look at this new blog: Circling the Bases. Featuring my three favorite baseball writers. No exaggeration. If I was to hand-pick three guys I'd want to read on a daily basis it would be Pouliot, Calceterra, and Gleeman -- not necessarily in that order. These guys rock. What I don't like is the way the blog is formatted. I hate when I have to click on a link to "Continue the story..." Why can't I just have it all right here, on this page, without having to click on anything? It's not like these are insanely long posts. Just put the whole thing on the same page. Please.

• Pouliot wrote an article earlier in the week about the Giants. Go look for it. He makes some interesting observations. He hits on at least two topics that just about every Giant fan i know of has thought about over the last few weeks.

1) The Giants are horribly, horribly, horribly impatient. They've earned like 25 walks in 12 games. That's not good. It's especially not good for a team that doesn't really hit all that well anyway. They need more baserunners, no matter how that happens. So, yeah, take a pitch. That goes for the whole club.

<Mini-rant > Many a week ago, this issue came up on Bay City Ball, and I wrote a comment arguing that the Giants' impatience was less about an organizational philosophy to develop free-swingers than it was a function of the Giants just not having very many good hitters -- period -- and those ungood hitters had to be free-swingers, because pitchers were throwing them a shitload of strikes. Why were pitchers throwing them a shitload of strikes? Because they were ungood hitters. Get it? Put it this way, there's two ways of looking at it:

1) The Giants have a lot of free-swingers, who by virtue of their free-swinging don't see a lot of pitches and therefore strike out a lot, and don't walk much, and therefore don't get on base much, and all of that together makes them bad hitters.

2) The Giants have a lot of bad hitters, who by virtue of their bad hitting, are pitched aggressively to, by which I mean they are thrown lots and lots of strikes, and because they are bad hitters they strike-out a lot, and don't walk much, and don't get on base much.

My argument on Bay City Ball was stridently for the latter. But now I think it's a little bit of both. The Giants have a lot of shitty hitters, and they also develop and encourage a lot of free-swingers.</Mini-rant >

2) Where is Nate Schierholtz? Schierholtz has been the Giants most promising offensive prospect for a few years now. He's raked at every stop along the way. No one ever said, or believes, he's a perennial All-Star kind of player, but the guy is a .310+ hitter. Has been and will be given the right number of AB's. Yet, in 2009, he's logged just 4 trips to the plate. Aurilia has 11 AB's. Eugenio Velez has 9. Something is off there.

• Not mentioned by Pouliot: Bengie Molina is unbelievably slow. Please, someone who is really into stats, figure this out. How many runs is Bengie costing the Giants because of his inability to get around the bases? He cost the Giants at least two runs today. It's pathetic.

• Enough Giants talk. Here's an old favorite. The profile pic of the week.

Mr. Dallas Braden.

In this picture he looks like every single person from Concord who made me scared to go to the Sun Valley Mall for the first 16 years of my life.

• I just saw this on ESPN while flipping the channels.

"With a strong camp from Daunte Culpepper, Lions weighing options with first pick."

As if things aren't already bad enough for the people of Detroit.

• Through two weeks of baseball, the following players have impressed me immensely:

1) Ian Kinsler (between Kinsler and Braun, don't be surprised if the Jews steal a few votes for Baseball Religion of the Year)

2) Ryan Ludwick (a lot of nay-sayers said Ludwick was a flash in the pan. Sorry, nay-sayers, the guy rakes)

3) Evan Longoria (the next super-duper-uber-star)

4) Chase Utley (wasn't he supposed to be hurt? God, how I want him on my fantasy team)

5) Matt Kemp (hide the children, Giants fans, The Bison is on the loose)

Five players who have the opposite of impressed me:

1) David Ortiz (a pathetic pile of shit. He looks like he aged 25 years in the off-season)

2) Matt Holliday (meh)

3) Vlad Guerrero ( see Ortiz, David)

4) Justin Upton (I know he's still only like 20 years old, but for a guy who's supposed to be the reincarnation of Willie Mays, you'd expect a little more than 5 for 27, with 10 K's)

5) Ryan Zimmerman (Zimmerman actually has been adequate so far this year, but there was a time when he was gonna be an MVP candidate type of player, and frankly, I just don't see that happening)

• According to my cable-guide, Comcast no longer carries the "Americana" music channel. That bums me out a little bit.

• So the NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing now. There was something like 9 different games on, just today. Personally, I spent my TV time flipping back and forth between the Giants, Dodgers, and Yankees games. I just don't care at all about any of that other stuff. Am I alone?

• Hypothetical question of the week:

You can trade places with one professional athlete. Who would it be?

I'll go first. Justin Upton. I know, I know. A little ironic, given my earlier comments. But let me explain.

He's young. I don't want to be a guy in mid or late career. I want to start from square one, even if that means struggling for a little while and no guarantee of living up to "my" potential. This is why I wouldn't choose Hanley, or Braun, or Longoria. Those guys are already more or less on the map. I want to taste the sour so I can enjoy the sweet.

He's crazy athletic. I want to be a sick athlete. That's why I would never be a golfer. I want to run really fast and jump really high and be really strong and really coordinated and have a cannon for an arm, etc. Justin Upton might be the best athlete out there.

He plays baseball. Football hurts and careers are short. Basketball is problematic for reasons I'll get to in a second.

He's just famous of enough so that it would be fun to walk around and be Justin Upton, and get comped at restaurants, and be noticed and have a helluva time doing whatever I wanted to do. But he is not so famous that he can't have a private life or go out in public without being mobbed (which is why Lebron would be completely out of the question for me, as would most other basketballers, because basketballers are in every way more "visible" than other athletes.)

Finally, Upton has a brother (obviously) who also plays Major League Baseball. Would there be anything in the entire world cooler than playing Major League Baseball with, or even against, your brother? That is too awesome to contemplate.

UPDATE: I just got done watching 60 Minutes and I want to add that I fucking hate Andy Rooney. I can't understand for the life of me what the hell Rooney is still doing on that show. Maybe he was more erudite when he was younger, more clever, more interesting, less of a blowhard, less of a complete fucking moron. It really makes me angry. He's such an idiot. And he's not likable. At all. I just hate everything about him. I don't get it. Is there anyone who likes Andy Rooney. Anyone?

C'mon Bochy, Figure It Out

2009-04-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

That was painful. Climb back from 2-1. Take a 4-2 lead on a Rowand BOMB. Then watch Bob Howry piss the whole thing away. I want to be angry with Howry for his Tyler Walker-esque performance, but the guy just had a bad day; it's gonna happen.

What pisses me off is that Bochy waited to bring in Brian Wilson until the last possible second. With the bases-loaded, NO outs, and the winning run on third. Talk about setting your guys up for failure.

But wait, you say. Wilson is the closer and it was a non-save situation. Therefore Bochy was in the right for not bringing in Wilson earlier. To which I'll respond, FALSE!

Howry was getting absolutely smoked in that eighth inning. The only non-hit hard ball was Casey Blake's pop out to Winn. Every other ball was hit on a rope or hit deep to the track. The guy gave up 5 hits in one inning of work! What the hell is he doing in the game at that point? He just didn't have his best stuff working and Dodger bats were all over him. Yank him! It's not that hard. Yes, if Howry is dealing then there's absolutely no reason to pull him from that situation just for the sake of bringing in Wilson. But he wasn't dealing. He didn't have it. Plain and simple. There was absolutely NO excuse to trot Howry back out there for the 9th frame.

Meanwhile, Wilson hadn't thrown one full inning all goddamn year. It's not like the guy's arm was hanging. Let him take over in the 9th, get through it, see how many pitches he throws, and then re-evaluate the situation when/if the 10th inning rolls around. There were still plenty of available options in the bullpen. Don't forget that the Giants had a day off yesterday, so other than maybe Medders who threw 2 innings on Monday, the entire bullpen was at Bochy's disposal. It just makes no fucking sense.

Brian Wilson is your best reliever. Let him fucking pitch. Got it?

On a final point, maybe what pisses me off more than anything, is that while Bochy seems to not understand this very basic concept, Joe Torre, who's been managing in the NL for all of 1 season, seems to understand it perfectly. His main set-up guy, Kuo, was clearly off last night. So he yanked him. Immediately. He brought in Belisario to clean up Kuo's mess in the 8th. But Belisario couldn't do the job either. So what does Torre do in a tie game to start the 9th inning? He brings in his fucking stud. His closer, Mr. Jonathan Broxton. And what if the Dodger's hadn't of scored in the bottom half of the 9th? Would Broxton have gone back out for the 10th?

Maybe. Maybe not. That's not the point. Torre needed Broxton in there in the 9th because his other relievers weren't getting it done. And guess what, it worked?

Bochy's strategy, on the other hand, to let Howry pitch himself into an impossible hole, failed miserably.

Garbage Spewing, Violent, Cretinous Visigoths Strike Again At Dodger Stadium.

2009-04-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

So says LA Times commenter Mitleid* after reading about the events that transpired in the parking lot of Dodger stadium yesterday after the game.

Straight from the LA Times:

"The Dodgers home opener against the San Francisco Giants was marred by violence Monday afternoon when a man was stabbed multiple times after getting into an argument with several men in a pickup truck, Los Angeles police said.

About the same time, police received a report of a man with a gun in parking lot 4. Police later determined that the man had been vandalizing cars. He fled the scene before police arrived."

LA's local ABC affiliate also reported a car accident involving drunken fans that took place in a different section of the parking lot, as well as a brawl just outside the stadium that involved as many as 30 people.

Well done, people of Los Angeles. You are a special bunch.

----

The comments section for the Times article is pretty intriguing. Some readers apparently feel that the violence at Dodger Stadium is a direct result of Mexican gangbangers who get drunk and pick fights and generally behave themselves like assholes. Of course, these accusations have invited an equally indignant cadre of Mexican commenters who are quick to point out that not ALL Mexicans are gangbangers, or pick fights, or behave themselves like assholes. Then the original commenters are called racist and in turn are the ones who become the assholes.

The whole back and forth is more or less a perfect microcosm of the ENTIRE race debate in this country.

But really, what's the likelihood that the person who did the stabbing was Latino and/or a gangbanger? 98%? 97.3%?

How is it racist to call someone a Mexican who is in fact a Mexican? Aren't these people who cry foul on the comments section, the same people who think it's fucking hilarious when George Lopez complains about Airport Security mistaking him for a Middle-Easterner? Which joke, of course, is predicated on an implicit acknowledgment and approval of racial stereotyping. (So long as its not your race, right? You dick.)

Here's my point. Get over it. Going to Dodgers games sucks for the same reason sitting in the upper-deck at Qualcom for a Chargers game sucks. Crazy-ass Mexicans drinking way too much booze are looking to beat my white ass. No thank you.

#1 Fan , you're a Mexican. Back me up on this.

------
*Cretinous Visigoths!?!?!?! That's amazing. And in case your were wondering, according to Google images, this is what a Cretinous Visigoth looks like

Tuesday Tone-Setter

2009-04-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

Seeing as this is the first TTS of the 2009 baseball season, I figure I'd post something germane to our native sport. Courtesy of The Internet Is Terrible, watch this awesome guy pack 4 cans of Copenhangen, simulatenously. What an animal!

And for a music selection today, it's Paperboy with "The Ditty". No rhyme or reason for this one other than that I was listening to it last night and remembered how much I liked it.

LIVE BLOG - Giants v. Dodgers, 1:10pm PST

2009-04-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

FINAL, Giants 1 v. Dodgers 11

Tp 9 (1-11)

• Let's just forfeit these 3 outs and go back to the hotel. This is nauseating.

• What do you think Zito is gonna Twitter about this game? "Have faith in the universal presence of peace and wisdom in all of humanity, bro. A loss is only a loss if you define it as a loss."

• Loretta robs Renteria on a line-drive. Poor Edgar.

• Vinny informs us that the Giants just got their egg scrambled. That's one way of putting it. Lewis lines out to Pierre in LF. One out away from ending the misery.

• Another beach ball!!!! What the goddamn piss hell! Put those fucking things away. FUCK.

• Molina flies out to Ethier to end it.

Btm 8 (1-8)

• Former SDSU alumn, Alex Hinshaw takes the hill for the Gyros. Hinshaw has a black belt in karate, so says Vin Scully. Yeah, we know, you tell us that every single time he pitches. Noticeably lacking from Hinshaw's wardrobe are his trademark stirrups. Boooo. I liked the stirrups.

• Hinshaw majored in Religious Studies at SDSU, so says Scully. Must've been a rigorous courseload. Seriously though, does that qualify you for anything in life? If you're a Religious Studies major is that more or less impressive than passing the GED? Just asking.

• Martin pokes a duckfart into RF, just out of reach of the extended Velez. That's bak to back singles for the Blue.

• Ethier just UNLOADS on a belt-high cookie. That's Ethier's second blast of the day. 3-run bomb. Ugh. What a disaster.

• Kemp K's. If Kemp had any patience whatsoever, he would be one of the best hitters in the NL. But the guy just can't control himself. He swings like he's playing slow-pitch softball.

• Blake lifts one out to Rowand. 3 outs. 3 runs in. Thank God this is almost over.

Tp 8 (1-8)

• Will Ohman takes over for Billingsley. Manny is out of the ballgame as well. Billingsley's final line:

7IP 5H 11K 0BB 1ER

• 2nd Beach Ball delay. Who are these people who bring beach balls to the game? Really. You're gonna bring a beach ball to the baseball game. That's clever. You dick.

• Juan Uribe gets a pinch hit knock. Humm, fellas, let's turn this thing around.

• Velez promptly grounds into a DP. Sweet.

• Winn smokes a linedrive right at Casey Blake. That's 8 uneventful innings in the tank.

Btm 7 (1-8)

• Some stupid whore Dodgers jersey wearing singer is absolutely butchering God Bless America right now. Shut your stupid mouth, lady!

• Fine. I'll say it. God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch is dumb. We need to stop doing that. I get the National Anthem to start the game. I like that. I embrace that. But this God Bless America thing is overkill. Yes, we live in America. Yes, it's a great country. Yes, 9/11 is worth remembering. But at what point do we say enough already? It's a fucking baseball game. Sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game and get on with it.

• THE O-Dog steps in for his 5th AB. K. Now he has the TRUE cycle. Inning over.

Tp 7 (1-8)

• Billingsley comes back out for what will likely be his last. Already 93 pitches in. Yeoman's effort. 8K's so far. No BB's.

• Sandoval actually takes a pitch. 2 of 'em. Then K's. That's 6K's already for Pablo this year. He had just 14 all of last season. Not a good sign.

• They just panned over the stadium. The place is back to being half-empty. Unbelievable. Beautiful day. Your hometown boys are winning. Billingsley is pitching a gem. But yeah, go ahead and file out the back.

• Ishikawa goes down without a fight. 10K's for Billingsley.

• Rowand whiffs on 3 pitches. That's 5 straight K's. 11 in all. The Dojo's might leave him in for another frame to see if he can match his career high of 13.

Btm 6 (1-7)

• Here are Barry Zito's last 3 twitters:

Stimulating this topic, hopefully I can bring lucidity into my dreams, that's a whole 'nother form of fun..
about 14 hours ago from mobile web

Hmmm. Divine Intervention? That could be anything from cell division to the heartbeat to the pos-neg balance of atoms in all matter.
about 15 hours ago from mobile web

Very introspective replies from you all...further down the rabbit hole comes free will vs destiny. Philosophy's not too satiating is it?
about 16 hours ago from mobile web

SERIOUSLY????? What a fucking bitch.

• "THE O-Dog is loose!" Says Vin Scully, as Orlando rounds second and heads into 3B for the triple. And Fuck me in the goat-ass. That's the cycle for Mr. Hudson. The first cycle for a Dodger since 1970. That's seems like an awful long time ago.

• The Dojos continue to piss in the mouth of the Giants. Manny walks. Loney hits a line-drive into CF to make it 8-1.

• HOLY SHIT! Martin steps to the plate with Hava Nagila playing on the PA. That's gotta the best AB song I've ever heard. Way to go, Russel.

• Compare to CJ Wilson's last 3 twitters:

breaking news- season 8 of 24- jack bauer in a canoe vs somali pirates
5:32 AM Apr 12th from web

all these day games in a row...putting on my suit, packing up the suitcase- I'm looking forward to my breakfast burrito in the clubhouse
5:26 AM Apr 12th from web

I had this weird dream last night that a "nessie" type creature was grubbin on californians- so F'd. had to scuba + jack bauer its ass
5:23 AM Apr 12th from web

Now that's how it's done.

• Kemp steps to the plate with the bases jimmied. 1 out. Manny, Loney, Ethier on board. Kemp is swinging out of his shoes. Pops it up. Infield fly. 2 down.

• Blake lifts one to the warning track. A lot of oohs and aahs from the idiots at Dodger Stadium. Inning over.

Tp 6 (1-7)

• By the way, Unit's final line:

3.2IP 8H 3BB 7ER 5K

• Billingsley is settling in nicely, this third time through the order. Renteria reaches on a curveball, and hits the old p-wedge out to Ethier in RF.

• The key to pitching well against the Giants. Throw strikes. It's really that easy.

• Freddie goes down on a pretty nasty hook. 6 K's for Billingsley.

• Molina completes the 1-2-3 frame. Way to give em hell, fellas. Fuck this.

Btm 5 (1-7)

• That was quick. I went to take a piss and I got back just in time to see Raffy pop-out for the 3rd out. Nice work Brandon Medders.

• Moving on to the 6th...

Tp 5 (1-7)

• Burriss goes down swinging.

• Velez pinch-hitting for Valdez. Last year, Vinny described Eugenio as a 2-iron. See if he goes back to that. My guess is, no. For such a small guy, Velez takes some awfully large cuts. I LIKE IT. Apparently, Euegenio is an activist for Latino causes. So says Vinny. I did not know that. Velez pops out to Kemp in CF.

• Billingsley throws a nasty hook to get Winn for the K. Yikes, this is getting ugly.

Btm 4 (1-1)

• Vinny notes that Ginats pitchers led all of MLB in pitch-count last year. Unit, at 52 pitches through 3, is nowhere near coming out of the ballgame.

• R-Mart does not look comfortable at the plate. He watches two sliders go by for strikes, fouls off a few pitches, then bleeds the count full, before whiffing on a slider.

• Slider, Slider, forkball, slider, changeup, slider, slider, for Unit in that last at bat. Something is wrong with his fatsball. Not very sharp today. His other pitches look good though.

• And of course, as I type that last sentence, Unit throws a belt-high fastball to Ethier that goes 400 feet over the fence. Son of a bitch.

• Then he comes back and throws slider, slider, changeup, slider, slider, slider in a 6 pitch at bat to Kemp, that ends in a BB. Something's off.

• Slider to Blake. On the second pitch he throws another belt-high fastball and Blake gets an infield single out of it.

• Billingsley lays down a gem of a bunt and barely gets thrown out at first with a nice play from Sandoval.

• Huge AB in the ballgame right here. Furcal up with 2 down, runners at 2B and 3B. Need this, Randy. FUCK. Line drive to RF, Kemp and Loney score easily.

• Unit's fastball is absolutely piss-poor right now. No movement. Low 90's. He just doesn't have the juice. Misses wiiiiide to THE O-Dog. Manny lurks on-deck. Unit is now 7-20 on first pitch strikes. Throw a Goddamn strike, Unit. HAH. Unit grooves another 88mph fastball at the belt. Hudson smokes it to the gap. Double. 5-1 .

• Bochy chooses to give Manny a free pass. Any why not? Way to stack your lineup, Torre. What a retard. There's no way that happens if Kemp is hitting in the 4-hole.

• Wow. This is embarrassing. Unit is completely domed right now. 4 pitch walk to James "candy-ass" Loney. Bases jacked. Pitching change. Here comes Merkin Valdez.

• Merkin comes in blowing heat. 0-1 to Martin.

• We have our first Beach Ball delay. Fucking idiot Dodger fans.

• Hey kid, throw a strike. Humm. Martin laces a line drive into centerfield. 2 more runs home and the Dodgers have now batted around.

• Throw a strike, Merkin! You're Merkin me crazy!

ZING!!!!!!!!

• After 8 consecutive foul-balls, Ethier finally flies out to CF. INING OVER.

Tp 4 (0-1)

AFLAC TRIVIA QUESTION: Who is the only person to manage both the Dodgers and the Giants since 1900? I have no idea.

• C'mon Big Money Mo, tie this thing up. Molina smokes one to left center. Kemp goes full-extension on the dive but comes up well short. A stand-up double for Molina. Humm.

• Fucking hell, Sandoval. Take a goddamn pitch. Ground-out to first on the first pitch. Molina advances to third.

• Ish, I told you once, and I'm gonna tell you again. GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER! Knock in a run, youngster.

• ATTA BABE! You da' man, Ish. Line drive to leftfield. 1-1. That's how we do.

• Vinny remarks on Rowand's odd batting stance. Says Row looks like he's sitting in a "high-back chair." Alright, I guess. I still say he looks more like he's got a girl bent over a table in front of him. But that's just me. Vinny calls Rowand "blue-collar" and "hard-nosed", which is code for "white" and "unathletic." But we get it, Vin. We know where your heart's at.

• Row staying alive, making Billingsley work for it. Then chops one to SS, for the easy 6-4-3 pair.

Btm 3 (0-0)

• Unit sits Billingsley down on 3 straight fastballs. What the fuck? I hate pitchers who just walk up there and stand in the box like statues. Be a pro. Take a hack, you candy ass.

• Furcal turns on one, but hits it right at Sandoval. Quick two outs for Unit.

• THE O-Dog just unloaded on an 0-1 curveball. Unit hung the shit out of that one. Fuck off. Homerun. 1-0, D's.

• Manny puts one in the gap on a fastball at the letters. Double for Manny, who is currently wearing out the right side of the outfield.

• Good thing Loney's up to end the inning. I'd be shitting my pants right now, if Unit had to face Kemp in this spot.

• Loney's worked the count full and keeps fouling pitches off. Just slap a grounder to Renteria and get this AB over with. Or K. Thanks for coming Loney.

Tp 3 (0-0)

• Unit is the oldest Giant since Arley Latham in 1909. Another fun fact, Units only career homerun came off a bat he borrowed from Raul Mondesi. Seriously Vin? Where do you come up with this stuff.

• Unit works the count to full. Then K's. Billingsley has been pretty much untouchable 1 time through the lineup.

• Winn takes no time and hits a sharp-liner into left field. That's the first hard hit ball of the game for the G's. See if we can get something started here.

• Vinny is thinking hit and run, with contact man Edgar Renteria at the plate. Not a bad idea. Billingsley misses low. 2-0

• Renteria had 3 older brothers. Thanks Vin. And he swings and misses to kill the AB. 2 down.

• Freddie Lew needs a homerun. The guy hasn't gone yard all year. Get some, kid. No dice. Freddie, floats one to THE O-Dog. Out number 3.

Btm 2 (0-0)

• Intra-inning research shows that the movie was actually called, "The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio". It looks lame.

• Scully takes a moment to remember Harry Kalas, former broadcast legend for the Phillies and This Week In Baseball. Kalas was one of the good ones.

• R-Mart leads off the 2nd and flies out to Winn in RF.

• Unit's slider is awfully good today. He's gotten two K's with it so far. Make it 3. Ethier goes down swinging.

• The Bison steps into the box. Good God, he is a specimen. I guarantee he'd be a Pro-Bowl linebacker if he felt like it. Unit just misses with a 1-2 changeup. Pretty filthy. Oddly, Unit's fastball is only clocking low 90's. Hope that picks up over the course of the game.

• The Bison hits a low-liner passed Sandoval at 3B. He'll probably be running here.

• Last year at some point I commented that Casey Blake looks more like a hockey player than anyone else in the Majors. I'm sticking to that claim.

• Blake grounds weakly to third to end the inning.

Tp 2 (0-0)

• 100 bucks says Sandoval swings at the first pitch.

• And he flies out to center on a first pitch fastball. Amazing.

• Ishikawa steps into the box. Dude needs to get his shit together. .211 with no homeruns. Pick it up, dude! A swing and miss. Take a seat, Ish.

• Rowand up next. Vinny tells us Rowand has the "highest defensive rating" of any MLB centerfielder. I wonder what rating he's referring to. Rowand knocks a grounder over the bump. Furcal gets to it, but has no chance on the throw and eats it. Infield single for Row.

• My girlfriend thinks Burriss is the best looking Giant (other than Timmy). I don't disagree. He looks like a young Iverson. I'm a fan.

• Billingsley comes from Defiance, Ohio. Wasn't there a horrible movie called Defiance, Ohio?

• Burris K's. Flip 'em.

Btm 1 (0-0)

• Kemp is batting 7th!? How does that make sense? Steve in Fresno is none too pleased about that.

• Unit puts the first pitch belt-high, all white. The ump calls it strike one, but Scully sees it differently. Yes, that was a strike, Vin. Vinny finally acknowledges the strike call, and he is VERY confused.

• Slider. Swing and a miss. Take a seat, Raffy.

• Vinny goes straight for the O-Dog nickname. For some reason that just doesn't sound right coming out of Vinny's mouth. Excuse me, "*The* O-Dog". Even better.

• Swinging bunt for "THE O-Dog." Basehit. This is too funny.

• Manny crushes a first pitch fastball to RF. "That one is a belly-whopper," says Vin. But ooooh, drops just short of the wall. 2 down.

• THE O-Dog is taking a big lead off of first. Vinny tells us that at 45 years old, Unit is the oldest pitcher to start against the Dodgers on a home opener. Warren Spahn, all of 43 at the time, was the previous record holder.

• Loney slaps a weak grounder to Burriss at 2B. 4 up, 3 down. On to the 2nd.

Tp 1 (0-0)

• First pitch to Randy Winn -- misses wide. 1-0

• Vinny calls it a sell-out. I see about 10,000 empty seats. Way to be punctual, people of Los Angeles.

• Winn lofts a p-wedge to Manny in left. 1 down.

• Pouliout wrote today on his Rotowrld column "Nothing Edgar Renteria has done since the beginning of March suggests that he's still a useful regular for a major league team." Awesome. And just like that, Edgar grounds out softly to 3B.

• Freddie-Lew gets jammed but somehow muscles it into RF for the Giants first baseknock. Orlando Hudson did not look all that interested in making that play. Nice work O-Dog. You'd make Durham proud with that effort.

• Molina goes p-wedge to Ethier in RF. Inning finis.

Pregame

And we're live. Getting the Dodger's feed, which means a whole lotta Vin Scully today.

And what do you know? Turns out today is some kind of Vin Scully appreciation day. Red carpet. Hugs and kisses from Torre and Lasorda. Iraqi war vets. The whole 9.

Vinny, a southpaw, throws out the first pitch. Steee-rike 1.

Vinny gives 'em what they came for "It's tiiiiiime for Dodger baseball.". As much as I hate the Dodgers and everything relating to their stupid franchise, I gotta give Vinny his due respect. The man is a living legend.

• In his opener, Vinny reminds us that the Giants and Dojos were even in their 18 matchups last season. I didn't realize that. Kind of pathetic, given how awful they Giants were.

• Unit is a clean 7-1 lifetime at Dodger Stadium. We like.

---

When: Monday, April 13th 1:10 pm

What: Live Blog

Who: Giants v. Dojos

Where: The internet, via the couch in my mom's basement

Why: I have no idea.

Wherein: I write retarded comments about the Giants v. Dojos game as it transpires

Whence: I'm not totally sure how "whence" applies here

While: I drink

Whether: or not you like it

Whiffle: ball

Whipper: wool

Whatever: Maury, I do what I want

VS.

Winn RF
Renteria SS
Lewis LF
Molina C
Sandoval 3B
Ishi 1B
Rowand CF
Burriss 2b

--

Furcal SS
O-Hud 2B
Manny LF
Loney 1B
Martin C
Ethier RF
Kemp CF
Blake 3B

Joe Martinez Gets Domed

2009-04-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Literally. That was tough to watch. You saw it right? If not, go look at MLB.com's highlights from yesterday's game. Relief pitcher Joe Martinez gets a fucking laser-beam line drive off the bat of Mike Cameron straight to the cranium.

Look how Martinez falls to his knees. It looks EXACTLY like Brad Smith looked after getting leveled by Patrick Willis a few months ago. I remember thinking after the P-Will hit that Brad Smith was dead. Though I didn't have quite the same reaction after Martinez's headshot, it was still pretty brutal. I was a little nauseous for a few seconds. Cameron and Rowand and Fred Lewis couldn't bare to watch. Lewis and Cameron looked like they'd been hit by a bus.

In case you're wondering, Martinez is fine. In hospice, but just a minor concussion. He'll be back on the hill in no time.

As for the rest of the game...How 'bout them Gyros? Matt Cain looked delicious. Lots of strikes. His curveball was tight. He worked quickly and efficiently. Extremely promising for him. And more important than anything else, the Giants actually gave him some run support! Wow. Who saw that coming? 2-out base hits. A few doubles. A handful of walks. It was an amazing thing to watch. Aside from Manny Burris and Rich Aurilia, who both looked like complete retards at the plate, everyone seemed to be getting good hacks. Still though, no one can hit the longball, which is very, very frustrating. JUST GO YARD! It'll be fun. I swear.

Hey, We're Back!

2009-04-09T08:48:00.001-07:00

This is the machine, a guy who likes to say, "Hey, we're back!"

First of all, let me say that Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, is nothing like you'd expect. You think of Ouagadougou, and you probably think of La Place des Cineastes, or the Fespaco film festival, or Bangr-Weoogo Park, or another of the city's august, almost mythic attractions. But the truth is, American culture has been romanticizing about Ouagadougou for much too long. I personally found the city to be uninspiring and full of dust. I was not impressed. As for the Ouagalais people themselves, my only complaint would be that I couldn't go more than a block down Kwame N'Krumah Ave. without someone asking for an autograph.

-----------------

And they're off....

Baseball season is underway and I could not be more excited. I have yet to see a game, so for me, today is actually more like opening day. Games all morning and through the afternoon, with the Giants headlining at 4.05pm against the Brewers of Milwaukee. Yes and Yes. I will officially be getting nothing done today.

I also have something important to share. While I was in Burkina Faso, I had a vision. I don't want to say it was religious, but it kind of was.

The Giants are going to win the West this year.

I KNOW! Crazy. I was in this bus, going to the airport, kind of half-asleep against the window. All of a sudden these images of the Giants started flashing before my eyes. I saw Timmy, and Freddy Lew, and Sandoval, and Rowand, and Cain, and all the rest of them. It was slow motion but it was also super sped-up, like when you're about to die and your whole life flashes before your eyes in a single moment. It happens extremely fast, but you somehow see every last detail.

Here's what I saw. It will be a good start through mid-May. Good for the Giants anyway, by which I mean just above .500 ball. Then there will be a lull through June and July because Sanchez, Unit, and Molina are gonna be banged up and miss some time. Then after the All-Star Break, the Gyros are gonna go bananas. Ishikawa is gonna start hitting bombs like Chris Davis. Burriss is gonna turn into an on-base machine. Cy Lincecum will be back to his old tricks. Matty Cain will have his usual 2nd half breakthrough. The bullpen will finds its groove. Zito will be serviceable. Unit will return from the DL. Sanchez will return from the DL. And we might -- *MIGHT* -- see Mr. Madison Bumgardner take the bump at some point in September. I'm pretty sure I saw it happen. And it was beautiful.

-----------------

In other news, to all the Jews out there, HAPPY PESACH!!!

Mini - Hiatus

2009-04-05T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Machine is once again taking to the road, this time to Dhaka, Bangladesh to consult on a project involving The Jatiyo Sangsad Complex, the masterwork of the late-great architect, Louis Kahn. From there I am off to Alexandria, Egypt, and from there to Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.

The Complex consists of 200 acres of connected buildings that house all branches of Bangladesh's parliamentary government. Built over a lake, the Complex was completed in 1982, 8 years after Kahn's death. Despite its fortified concrete exterior, the complex is capable of being lit entirely by natural sunlight. Truly, a modern wonder.

The timing couldn't be worse, with Opening Day just a few clicks around the corner, but unfortunately, due to the nature of my profession, I have no say in the matter. Be sure that I will atone for my absence with a running diary or two when the Giants clash with the Dojo's in a few weeks. I'll be back Thursday. Until then, be safe.

Camelback Ranch

2009-04-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's the new Spring Training home for the Dojo's.

I was just reading an article about it, and it occurred to me that Camelback Ranch sounds like the sequel to Brokeback Mountain.

Make of that what you will.

Radical Lifestyle Changes #4

2009-04-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

You frequently hear people talking about events that changed their life. They got married. They had kids. They joined the Peace Corps. Had their tubes tied. Whatever. The list goes on and on.

In my life I count 4 major life changes, the most recent of which happened about two weeks ago. I don't remember the exact day, but I got up in the morning, did my normal routine, and as I went to pour my cup of coffee, I realized that I had run out of milk. This is a problem for me. I need milk in my coffee. I just do. Something about the sheer darkness of undiluted coffee gives me the willys. Plus, it's too acidic. I feel like I'm gulping down a cup of arsenic.

But I didn't have any milk. The weather was fucking horrible outside and I didn't feel like walking a 1/2 mile to the store. But I also wanted my coffee. Badly. I was tired and I had a lot of shit to do (for me). Plus it was sort of late in the morning and I was getting one of those coffee withdrawal headaches that hardcore coffee drinkers get if they go too long into the morning without a cup of joe.

Dilemna.

I said fuck it, I'm just gonna drink my cup of coffee as is. Black. (Just like the #1 Fan likes his women.) And guess what? I liked it. I actually enjoyed my coffee more that morning that I had in a long time. I have no idea why. It just tasted better. So the next morning I did the same thing. And the morning after that.

On Sunday we went grocery shopping and finally picked up a carton of milk. Monday morning, without even realizing it, I had my cup of coffee black again. Same thing for Tuesday and Wednesday. Today is Thursday morning. I get up, do my routine, pour my coup of coffee, and I find myself reaching into the fridge to grab the milk. I hesitate for a second. My mind had been wandering, thinking about some other topic that I was gonna write about this morning, and I realized that I didn't want the milk! I had no use for it anymore. I had become a black coffee drinker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In chronological order, here are the 4 things that changed my life so far:

1. Brushing my tongue - (1998)

2. Going from boxers to no underwear to tighty-whities - (this entire 3 step transformation happened in one 4 month period in the summer of 2004)

3. Eating oatmeal - (2007)

4. Taking my coffee black - (March, 2009)

-------------------------------

Speaking of lifestyle changes...here's a hypothetical scenario for you to ponder:

Say you're an 18 year old high-school Sr. being recruited for basketball. You've narrowed down your choices to two schools.

The first school is a perennial powerhouse who routinely puts players into the NBA. The program is in really good shape, having won a recent title, and there is a lot of "buzz" in the air regarding the team's immediate future. However, you're indifferent about the coach and the school's location is less than desirable -- say, Kansas. You won't be starting right away but the returning player at your position is already a Jr., so you're looking at 1 developmental year at most before you get to compete for that spot.

The second school is smaller and less prestigious, say San Diego St. It's still a good program and still gives its best players a shot at the NBA, but in reality your ultimate goal is to win just one game in the tourney. The appeal with SDSU is you love the location and you get along really well with the coach and the other players. Amendment: (1pm) I originally meant to include that at SDSU you will be starting right away and are expected to be a leading scorer. I think this last part is crucial.

Which do you choose, and why?

Burriss Up the Middle

2009-04-01T12:00:00.001-07:00

Frandsen is out. He got optioned to AAA yesterday (2 days ago?). He's now 27. Good riddance.

This, of course, leaves the right side of the infield in the silky smooth hands of Emmanuel Burriss. We like. If you want a quick rundown of the major differences between Burriss and Frandsen read this Bay City Ball post.

You'll notice that the stats are somewhat indifferent at this stage in each player's career. Frandsen is the more seasoned, more consistent player, whereas Burriss is the raw talent, still with much work to be done.

But here's the deal. White guys should not be playing 2B unless they hit BOMBS. Dan Uggla. Kent (I hate to say), Kinsler, Utley. You get the idea. Something about a white guy playing in the 4-hole with no speed and who doesn't hit bombs, drives me up the wall. Fuck Ryan Theriot. Fuck Aaron Hill. Fuck Chuck Knoblauch. Those guys piss me off.

If you're not gonna hit bombs, I want a black guy or a latino guy who's gonna steal a shitload of bases. I don't think that's asking for too much.

Therefore, I say HELL YEAH to this move.