Why Not?

Here's a link to the first episode of David Lynch's Interview Project. This whole series is some nitty-gritty, hardcore Americana. May it get you through the weekend.

Hat Tip (T.C.)

Quick Thoughts On The Freddy Sanchez For Tim Alderson Trade

Everyone's initial reaction to the trade has been mostly negative. The consensus seems to be that the Giants paid too high a price for Sanchez.

Here are a few counters:

1) Sabean has been trying to get a bat for months. He's probably floated Alderson's name out to anyone who will listen. Could it be that Alderson's market value simply is not as much as some might think?

2) If the Giants make the playoffs this year and Sanchez hits .300/.340/.440 the rest of the way out (respectable but not spectacular), and 4 years from now Alderson is a middle of the rotation starter for the Pirates (think James Shields) and Sanchez is long gone, is this trade a win?

3) Someone (maybe me, but probably not) needs to go back and look at every-single top 50 pitching prospect under 21 years old from the last 15 years and see how many of those guys become consistent MLB contributors. Regardless of Alderson's stuff, what are the chances that he pans out?

4) It might not have been the best move, but it's an improvement.

The Probability of a Perfect Game vs. The Probability of Hitting 2 Grand Slams In a Game

After Josh Willingham's 2 Grand Slam game two days ago, and Mark Buerhle's Perfect game a week ago, reader Nick proposed the following question in the comments section of the previous post:

"I heard a discussion this morning debating which is tougher, pitching a perfect game or hitting two grand slams in the same game. Which is mathematically more improbable?"

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To answer your question Nicholas, we first need to break this down into its component parts.

We'll start by finding the probability of hitting two grand slams in a game.

In order to do that we need to find the probability of hitting just 1 grand-slam in a game.

Taking 5 random sample years between 1998 and 2008 (using Baseball Almanac), MLB sees an average of 131 Grand Slams every year.

In a 162 game season, with 30 teams, and an average of 4.2 Plate Appearances per game for each player, we get a total of 183,708 total plate appearances every year.

>162(games) x (30/2)(teams) x 18(players) x 4.2(PAs) = 183,708 PAs

>183,708/131(GS) = 1 GS every 1,402 PA's, or a probability of 0.000713 to hit a GS in any given PA.

Now we need to find the probability of hitting 2 Grand Slams. But first there are a few caveats to note:

1) The Grand slams can happen in any of the 4.2 PAs (i.e. - they don't have to be hit consecutively), and

2) We can treat the outcome of each PA as a binary (i.e. - a grand slam or not a grand slam)

From there we can use a little algebra to show that:

Probability of (GS2|GS1) = [P(GS1) x P(GS2)] = 0.00000163

Where P(GS1) = 0.000713, and P(GS2) = 3.2* x 0.000713

*Why 3.2? The first Grand Slam (GS1) must consume exactly 1 PA. Therefore, the batter only has 3.2 PA's to achieve GS2.

> The inverse of 0.00000163 gives us a probability for any one player hitting 2 Grand Slams in one game of 1 in 613,496.933.

Since there have been 345,950 MLB games played since 1900, and 18 players per game, we get a total of 6,227,100 possibilities for a 2 GS game.

Given our above calculations (that 2 GS's will occur at a 0.00000163 rate) we'd expect there to be ≈ 10.8 2 Grand slam games in MLB since 1900.

There have been 12. So I'd say that our above ratio of 1 in 613,496.933 is basically accurate.


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Now let's look at the Probability of pitching a Perfect Game. This is much easier.

We can assume that each plate appearance in a 9 inning game constitutes an independent (disjointed) event for which a positive outcome (an out) is just the inverse of On Base Percentage + Errors.** Each game consists of 27 such events (per side). So, if a team's average .OBP was .500, the probability of an out in any given PA would be 0.5, or 1 in 2.

**We can ignore TOB events that are outside the purview of OBP like fielder's choice and obstruction, because those events assume someone has already reached base, thus making the event moot. Likewise, catcher's interference and dropped third strikes happen so rarely that for our purposes they're negligible.

First, let's calculate the likelihood that a batter will reach 1B on an error, thus breaking up the Perfect Game. According to this Baseball Prospectus article, it appears that Reach-on-error % clusters around .9, but we'll just call it 1.

Then we need to find league average .OBP, which is a pretty good indicator of the overall .OBP of any given MLB roster. A quick glance at Baseball Reference stats over the past few decades shows a fairly steady League Average .OBP of about .330 (although it's fluctuated some, troughing and peaking in the 60's and late 90's respectively).

To get .OBP + ROE we add (.330 + .001) = .331.

But remember, we want the inverse*** of that number, or (1.000 - .331) = .669

***Why the inverse? Just as .331 tells us the likelihood of a given batter reaching 1B, .669 gives us the likelihood of the pitcher getting that batter out.

From here it's 6th grade math stuff. Because each plate appearance is a disjointed event from all other PA's, the algebra is really simple.

To get the probability of a perfect game, just take the probability of getting one batter out (.669) and raise it to the 27th power.

>P(Perfect Game) = .669ˆ27 = 0.000019342169, or 1 Perfect Game per 51,700.5 games started.

Lastly it's just a matter of getting our units in order. Above we found that there had been 345,950 MLB games played since 1900. At 2 starters per game, we get a total of 691,900 total starts since 1900.

Given our above calculations (that a Perfect Game will occur at a .000019342169 rate) we'd expect there to be ≈ 13.4 Perfect Games since 1900. There have been 15****, thus our methodology is pretty damn accurate.

****Yes, I know there have been a total of 18 perfect games. Except 2 of them were before 1900, which is outside the sample we're working with. And Don Larsen's PG was during the postseason, which is also outside the purview of our sample.

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The final step is getting both probabilities in the same terms so they can be compared. As of now, we're looking at the probability of 2 Grand Slams per 4.2 PA's, whereas on the other side we're looking at the probability of 1 Perfect Game per start.

Let's reduce both totals to P(2GS) and P(PG) per TOTAL MLB GAMES.

10.8/345,950, or 1 in 32,030.75 for 2 Grand Slams

VS.

13.3/345,950, or 1 in 25,819.778 for a Perfect Game

Thus it is slightly more difficult to hit 2 Grand Slams in a game.

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Post Script: It's important to note that these figures apply to league averages.

Pitchers who've thrown perfect games – Koufax, Cone, Buerhle, Unit, Catfish Hunter, David Wells, etc. – all have career .OBP-against that are well below the .330 average. The likelihood of above-average and elite pitchers throwing a perfect game is about 35% higher than your average middle-of-the-rotation starter. (Which is why Sanchez's near-feat is so fucking amazing.)

For instance, in 1965 when Sandy Koufax threw his complete game, his .OBP against was .227. Assuming his ROE% is .7 (this is fair because his K rate was so high), Koufax's probability of throwing a perfect game that year was 0.000933, or 1 in every 1,071 starts. In 43 games, that means he had a 1/24.9 chance of throwing a perfect game that year. To put it another way, if Koufax plays his 1965 season 25 times, we'd expect 1 perfect game from him.

To Put it yet another way, if every pitcher was Sandy Koufax in 1965, we'd expect 4.54 Perfect games every year!!!!

My point: Only expect perfect games from pitchers who are consistently elite.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

It's been a few months since we enjoyed some Weebl's. Here are the two latest: Baby Baboon, and Narwhals: Inventor of the Shish Kabob.

My Thoughts On the Ryan Garko Trade

I have a buddy who in all seriousness claims that Ryan Garko is the best looking guy currently in baseball.*



Me relating that story to you is about as pointless as this trade.

Fun fact: Did you know Ryan Garko graduated with a 4.2 GPA from Servite High School, which also happens to be the same high school that David Puddy graduated from?

Expect Garko to platoon with Ish at 1B. Garko can mash against lefties, but otherwise he doesn't bring much to the table. I'm not sure this really improves the Giants chances to take the Wildcard. I haven't (and will not) run the numbers, but I'd expect Garko to add maybe 1/2 a win over the remainder of the season.

The Giants still need an impact bat, but Sabean is being a bitch. Scutaro, Sanchez, fucking Adam Dunn. Whoever? I'm sick of this candy-ass offense.

As for Scott Barnes...

Who? Apparently he's having a good year down on the farm. Whatever. If this is the last time I hear his name, I won't be shocked.

*He also claims that Lou Gehrig is the best looking guy in the history of the game. A more absurd claim, you could not make.

Fuck This

Really? Josh Willingham and/or Nick Johnson! Fucking juggernauts, baby. Someone explain to me how this makes any fucking sense, whatsoever.

Typical bullshit.

Making Things Awkward Machine Style: The Anatomy of A Scene

The Machine and several acquaintances are at a Michelin Rated restaurant in San Francisco. It's one of those dainty, pretentious, overpriced places that cater to dudes who drive gold-plated Benzes. The Machine has had a few scotch and sodas and he's feeling a little frisky. He's sitting next to a complete stranger, a friend of a friend, who happens to be of African descent. We'll call her "A-A".

A-A: "This restaurant seems a little stuffy to me."

The Machine: "What do you mean?"

A-A: "For instance, why aren't there any black people here?"

The Machine: "Because black people are poor."

Cue the awkward silence music. Everyone is staring at The Machine. You can cut the tension with a knife. But The Machine is completely oblivious. He thinks it's hilarious. Eventually The Machine realizes that no one else at the table is laughing, so he does that move where he shrugs his shoulders and says, "What, that wasn't funny?" Some chick at the end of the table scoffs and says, "Real classy, guy."

Scene.

*Epilogue: Ironically, later that night, A-A and I become boon companions. She was super-cool about the whole thing, saying she was just "a little surprised" by the comment because she didn't know me, but that it didn't bother her that much. One of the chicks, however, apparently works for the ACLU and remained super-pissed for the rest of the evening.

Wherein the Giants Season Is Represented By A Wooden Horse Being Ridden By A Coupla Asian Kids

Getting My Plug On

The Machine is guest posting today at MVN Outsider. I talk about what kind of moves Sabean will and/or should make as the Trade Deadline approaches.

Check it out.

Poor Performance Tonight (The Remix)

My favorite contemporary poet, Mr. Saflo, once wrote a poem called "Poor Performance Tonight". It's pretty awesome. Sometimes when I'm watching the Giants on TV, I change the names in the original poem to match what's going on in the game. For instance, this is how I'd rewrite Mr. Saflo's poem based on tonight:

poor performance tonight, sadowski
poor performance tonight, bowker
you did poorly out there
your performance was poor
and you were poor
sadowski
and bowker

Which reminds me, Ryan Sadowski sorta blows. It's a cool story and everything – career minor leaguer with C stuff takes over 5th spot in the rotation and leads team to playoff berth – but it's a fucking fairy tale. When you throw an 88mph heater, a hanging curveball, and your best pitch is a sinker that only sinks 3 out of 5 times you throw it, you're not gonna have much shelf life in the Bigs. Real life is a bitch like that.

And another thing. We should start spelling John Bowker with 4 'A's. I have no idea how we might do that. But we should do it anyway because Bowker has AAAA-player written all over him. (How's that for lame-ass puns?)

* One final note. You didn't hear it from me but Jonathan Sanchez has become a hot topic of conversation amongst the Blue Jay brass. Halladay? Doubtful. Scutaro? We may have something there.

Tuesday Tone-Setter

My boy Rico Chips shows us how to make some Beer Can Chicken. Rico is pretty much the shit. Listen up ya'll.

Book Review(s): Jonathan Lethem, Jim Harrison, and Junot Diaz

It's been awhile since I've done any book reviews here, which is a shame because I've read a lot of shit-kickin books over the last, oh, half-year and for the most part they deserve commentary. I can't – won't – do full reviews of any of them, however, because I've come to learn that most people don't give a shit about books in general, and really don't give a shit about my opinion of those books as a rule. At any rate, here's a quick rundown of a few of them.

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Amnesia Moon - Jonathan Lethem

This book is pretty rad, but didn't quite have the punch of some of Lethem's other Bay Area based novels, As She Climbed Across the Table and Gun, With Occasional Music, in particular. Amnesia Moon is still plenty solid, though. First and foremost, Lethem is a magician with the written word. He is bright, funky, and without antecedent (he smells like Philip K. Dick, but in my view he's a different animal). A true sui generis. Amnesia Moon, his 3rd or 4th book, written sometime in the early 90's, follows a guy named Chaos through a post-apocalyptic US, until he eventually settles in Vacaville and then San Francisco, where the bulk of the novel takes place. I'm not gonna even try to describe the plot, except to say that it rocks. Maybe my favorite thing about this book are the characters' names. Edge, Chaos, Kellog, Billy Fault, Cale, Ilford, Everett Moon, Decal, and a handful of additional minor-characters with cool-ass names. (3/4 stars)


Woman Lit By Fireflies - Jim Harrison

I picked this up because I love just about everything Jim Harrison does. Legends of the Fall – the book, not the movie – is a masterpiece. Dalva, True North, and a book of poems Harrison wrote called Letters To Yesenin are among my favorite books in the history of the world. I began WLBF with high-hopes, but in the end it left me cold. It's actually a collection of three distinct novellas, "Brown Dog", "Sunset Limited", and "Woman Lit By Fireflies", all about 100 pages long. "Brown Dog" spoke to the animal in me, and I enjoyed it thoroughly, but the other two seemed like intellectual exercises that came off a bit stilted for my tastes. The two latter novellas also happen to be about a bunch of washed up hippies trying to reconcile the outdated ideals of their youth – decidedly not my cup of tea. (2.5/4 stars)


The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz

Fairly or unfairly, if a book wins the Pulitzer Prize I'm gonna go into it with certain expectations. I need to be wowed at least a few times. On a sentence level, I need the book to pop. On a plot level, I need an engaging story that keeps me flipping the pages. On an idea level, I need to be challenged – but not just challenged – I also need to be rewarded in some way for my intellectual efforts. That is, I need the book, and by extension the writer, to show me the way to doors that I never knew existed, and after I work to open those doors, to show me something worthwhile on the other side. For me, this book fails on all three counts.

--- Aside: [redacted].

In general I'm always at least a little suspicious when critics, as a block, give such high and lauded praise to cultural works that clearly weren't intended for*, or about, them. This phenomena – take 2-Pac for instance – usually occurs because of some combination of ironic self-awareness, affectation, identity politics, genuine misunderstanding of the subject, or worst of all, knowing you're supposed to like something and so liking it. (The previous statement comes with all the obvious caveats (YES, I KNOW YOU CAN BE A HYPER-EDUCATED, SUBURBAN-BRED IVY LEAGUE LIT PROFESSOR AND STILL THINK "AMBITIONZ AZ A RIDAH" IS A CONTEMPORARY POETIC MASTERPIECE), exceptions, et al.

*I won't deign to guess who Diaz intended this novel for. I'm guessing he wrote it because it was important for him personally to do so and for no other reason. But. But. The books characters, themes, subjects, idiosyncrasies are all of a specific, non-universal culture, one that a very few, if any, people on the Pulitzer committee share. I'm just saying. --

Not that this book is all bad. It's not. It's funny. It's engaging. The characters are multi-dimensional, their conflicts compelling and believable. But the really interesting parts of this novel, the aspects of it that if more thoroughly investigated and fleshed out would've offered the book the kind of emotional and thematic heft necessary to make it a truly great and lasting literary work, are mostly absent. To wit, probably the most dynamic character of the entire book is Rafael Trujillo, the true life fascist tyrant of the Dominican Republic who ruled over his country as ruthlessly as any man in the history of the Western World. In the book, Trujillo serves as the central villain. His presence is crucial to almost every event that takes place in the novel. Yet aside from a very brief cameo late in the book, Trujillo's entire story is relegated to a half-dozen expository footnotes. You keep waiting and waiting for Trujillo to make his grand entrance, to dominate this or that scene, but he never does. He's a ghost. A contrived figure who, despite his utter lack of substance in the book, is half of its essential conflict. The whole thing seemed like a cop-out, and the novel was all the more effectless because of it.

I don't know. Maybe this book just wasn't to my tastes, even though I was super excited to read it. I just got the feeling that it was incomplete somehow, that it was written precisely to please a committee of book readers who desperately want to give awards out to books about multicultural, urban subjects. The painful thing is that Diaz is an extremely talented writer, and, I think, capable of way better than this.

My Balls Ache, Pablo Fails to Go Yard, The Sister Sister Chicks, And the Garrett Jones(town massacre)

• So if Pablo doesn't hit a bomb, the Giants can't put up runs against the fucking Pirates? Is that how it works? C'mon fellas. A truly pathetic offensive effort. Yeah, sometimes you just have to tip your cap to a solid pitching performance by the other team, but not so last night. The Pirates pitchers all basically suck and none of the ones we saw last night were throwing particularly well. It's not like Paul Maholm's stuff was electric. Get on fucking base you fucks.

• Were the Sister Sister girls hot? I don't think that debate ever got settled.

• Am I the only one who'd never heard of Garrett Jones before last night? I know most baseball players. I'd like to think I know every baseball player capable of single-handedly beating he Giants. Apparently not.

Giants In Trade Talks With the...D-Rays?

Here's the situation: I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who's 2nd of kin is a high-level so-and-so with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. This anonymous so-and-so has it on good authority that Brian Sabean and D-Rays GM Andrew Friedman have been in trade talks – and not idle trade talks, but more like any-day-now trade talks – regarding one Mr. Madison Bumgarner, the Giants 19 year-old, 6'4", 15 stone, flame-throwing, crazy-ridiculous wunderkind, whose shit is so hot right now he's probably responsible for like 68% of global warming.

Before getting to the terms of this supposed trade, let's just quickly talk about how awesome Bumgarner is. Prior to the season Bumgarner was ranked 9th overall on BA's Top 100 Prospect List. In January, Project Prospect called Bumgarner, "the best pitcher in the minor leagues not named David Price." And since David Price isn't in the minor leagues anymore (and neither is Brett Anderson nor Tommy Hanson, the only two pitchers ranked above Bumgarner on the BA list), that makes Bumgarner the BEST FUCKING PITCHER EVER!

Okay, maybe not quite that good. But look at these numbers. At 19 years old, with that kind of repertoire, he's just about the most valuable commodity an MLB franchise can have – short of, you know, someone who is actually already producing at the Major League level.

Which brings us to the next part of this equation. Who the fuck are the D-Rays offering up in exchange for such a prime-cut of hot-beef?

Evan Longoria? No.

David Price? No.

Dioner Navarro? No.

How about, Carl Crawford and/or Carlos Pena.

I like Carl Crawford. Dude jacks a shitload of bags, hits occasional bombs, is a badass outfielder, and has a neck tattoo. I can get down with that. In terms of Fantasy, Crawford is the 2nd overall ranked position player behind only Pujols. In terms of weirdo, gay math stats like WAR and VORP, he's among the top 20. Anyway you slice it, Crawford has been a stud this year. And except for an injury plagued '08, he's been a stud pretty much for his entire career.

One thing that might raise some eyebrows is that Crawford turns 28 in a few weeks. That makes him nearly a decade older than Bumgarner. 28 is far from old, in fact, historically, 28 is about the time most baseball players hit their prime. Since Crawford is an awesome athlete – he was offered full-rides from UCLA to play point-guard and from Nebraska to be an option QB – we can expect him to be productive well into his mid-30's and perhaps beyond. Age, for me, is not a concern.

The hiccup with Crawford is his contract. He's technically only signed through the end of this season, but a team-option, incentive laden, 1-year extension, effectively has Crawford under his current deal through 2010. In 2011 Crawford goes on the unrestricted market where the Giants will have zero chance of keeping him out of the Yankees/Mets/Red Sox/Angels neo-Zionist greed-machine*. To give up Bumgarner for a year or two of Crawford makes little sense. However, if the D-Rays or Giants can work out a prolonged extension for Crawford than this deal may have legs.

But even if the extension goes through, I still don't think I'm completely sold. Bumgarner is too promising, too young, and too damn good-looking. He could easily turn out to be the next Homer Bailey, but I'm willing to take that chance. I wouldn't lose my shit if Sabean puled the trigger on a deal like this – after all, I've been harping about the Giants' need for an All-Star caliber position player for two years – but it would still bum(garner) me out.

*Everyone knows about Fred Wilpon and Theo Epstein, but I have good reason to believe that Artie Moreno descends from a prominent Sephardic Jewish family that fled the Inquisiton to Mexico during the late 16th C. As for the Steinbrenners, not only are they probably Jewish-German themselves, but it's extremely likely the Yankees remain under the control of former owner, and Jew, William S. Paley.

And what about the other potential trade-chip, Carlos Pena? You don't have to look up any stats to know that a Carlos Pena for Madison Bumgarner trade stinks like hippopotamus shit. Pena's got minimal swag, he spent the majority of his early career sucking balls with the A's and Rangers, and he's precisely the kind of guy who's skills will precipitously deteriorate once he reaches his mid-30's. Pena will come to the Giants, hit .250, hit 25 HR's a year – all on the road – and be displaced by Angel Villalona by 2011. No thank you. Push toes, Andrew Friedman.

In conclusion, if the Giants are gonna trade Bumgarner, I think they can do a little better than Crawford, though Crawford meets most of my criteria for what makes a good ballplayer. I'd accept Crawford, perhaps begrudgingly, but I'd accept him nonetheless. On the other hand, if all the Giants got for the best pitcher in the entire fucking Minor Leagues was Carlos Pena, Brian Sabean would have some serious splainin to do. That guy would have a boot so quickly and so far up his ass he'd have to put some Tobasco on it, chew it, swallow it, and shit it back out again.

All-Star Week Musings: Part 1.2

This morning I read in the paper and online that Lincecum didn't pitch well last night and basically cost the NL the game because of his poor 2-run performance in the 1st inning. Except I'm watching the game on DVR right now and what these asshats have failed to mention is not only did Pujols botch a would-be FC that cost Lincecum a run, but on the previous play Mauer hit a swinging bunt that should've also resulted in a double-play. It didn't, however, because David Wright sucks. Molina threw a strike to Wright at 3B for the first half of the DP and then Wright just stood there wiggling his thumb around his sphincter before finally tossing a looping softball 4 feet wide of 1st that STILL beat Mauer to the bag, but was such a shit crusted throw that Pujols couldn't keep his foot down. Eat shit, David wright. You're making my boy look bad on national TV.

• Billingsley, unlike Lincecum, deserved his run. Pear-shaped ho.

• Obama throws like a girl.

• Part of what makes it so hard to listen to Buck and McCarver is that I can never decide which one I hate more.

• Now that Best Damn Sports Show has been mercifully put to bed, has Chris Rose become a full-time on the field reporter? Probably always shoulda been that way. He's worthless.

• Ryan Franklin looks like he should be in a Norwegian Black Metal band.

• I heard a song on the radio the other day and the lyrics went: "I gotta a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night." That line was just repeated over and over again for like 2 minutes. Then there was the line: "Fill up my cup. MAZEL TOV. (L'chaim).." Jeezus. That shit had me spitting up my drink. Based on the overall quality of the song – lyrics, production value, vocals, etc. – I really thought I was listening to a children's song. Easily the most inspid shit I'd heard since LFO's "Summer Girls." But it turns out the song is not a children's song but some kind of new-wave horseshit called "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas, and not only is it regularly played on the radio – it's the NUMBER 1 FUCKING SONG IN THE COUNTRY!!!!

Are people really that dumb? It's an honest question.

All-Star Week Musings: Part 0.5

People are always like, 'Yo, Machine, what are your thoughts on the All-Star Game?' And I say, 'I think the dunk contest is cool except for when people use props.' And then the person says, 'No, not that All-Star game, I mean the Mid-Summer Classic." And I say, 'Oh, you mean that one time a year, usually in early August, when I go frolfing and drink too much whiskey and end up banging a fat-chick on accident?' And they're all, 'Whatever, dude.' And I'm all, 'Whatever dude, you.' And that's usually the end of it.

2 Items For Your Viewing Pleasure

• First of all, check these bitchin kids:




• Second of all, Yahoo Profile Pic of the Week returns:

Kyle Blanks, 1B SD:



nuff said.

Holy Fucking Awesome

I am not a crook.

Wow. That's really all I got. Just wow.

Probably my favorite AB last night was when Chase Headley swung and missed at a slider for strike 3 that ended up plunking his shin. Nice hack, you loser.

*I don't want to take anything away from Sanchez, which is why I'm writing this in super-tiny font, but I think I could probably no-hit the Padres. That team is fucking pathetic. Minus Adrian Gonzalez, who's AVE. has dropped 20 points since the beginning of July, they don't have a single eligible batter hitting above .250. What a joke.

Just Sayin

So Pablo gets the short-end of the All-Star Game shaft. Victorino ended up outvoting Sandoval by something like 300,000 votes, despite the fact that Sandoval has clearly been the better player so far this year. Not that this is a huge travesty. Victorino is a solid player who's having a good, if not great year (.308/.372/.464 with 15 steals and a half-dozen jacks). Victorino also played a key role for a World Series winner in '08, and who furthermore is a pretty damn likable guy. All this makes for a good case that Victorino is a worthy All-Star.

That said, Pablo has been a grade-A beast, especially over the last few months, sporting an overall slashline of .326/.379/.560, and a June line of .394/.459/.745, including 8 bombs. Those are All-Star numbers. Period.

I write this post NOT to point out that Sandoval has suffered some kind of injustice for which Giants fans should be rightfully pissed-off. Frankly I don't give a shit about the All-Star game one way or another and would rather Sandoval – as well as Lincecum and Cain – not play at all, so as to avoid even the possibility of injury and because these guys could use a week to just kick it and get their rest on.

Instead I write this post to point out the simple fact that Giants fans, though good fans, are not as diehard as Phillies fans. Plain and simple. This is why Shane Victorino scored more votes than Pablo Sandoval – again, despite better numbers, and despite a pretty aggressive marketing campaign by the Giants that included paying for full-page ads in at least a few major Venezuelan newspapers. People in the Bay Area, partly because there are two teams vying for the interest of a not-gargantuan sized metropolis, simply do not support their pro sports franchises with the same fervor as folks in places like Philadelphia. Shane Victorino is an All-Star instead of Pablo Sandoval because he plays in a city that cares more about its pro sports teams than the Bay Area does.

This is relevant because I often hear West Coasters in general, and Californians in particular, point out the "East Coast Bias" of the major sports media outlets, along with governing bodies like the NCAA Tourney Selection Committee and the BCS pollsters. The popular lament is that West Coast teams are not given enough attention, and/or aren't taken seriously, and/or aren't given the same opportunities as teams from the East Coast – less you think I'm constructing a strawman here, just read this. But that complaint is stupid, because West Coasters DON'T care about sports as much as people in other parts of the country. We just don't.

By the way, this is probably a good thing. Californians can go to the beach, ski, go to a gazillion awesome concerts, go mountain biking, smoke legal bud, or whatever, all at the expense of NOT watching pro sports. In Philly, you watch football in the impossibly cold winters, and watch baseball in the impossibly hot summers – that is, when you're not kicking black kids out of your local pool.

Warriors For Sale, BASM Willing To Put Up 2 G's, Offer Rescinded

Lots of chatter over the past few days about Chris Cohan actively seeking a buyer for his 80% majority share of the Golden State Warriors. About damn time, I'd say. Here are some tasty nuggets from Cohan's Wiki entry that effectively sum up his tenure:

"Cohan's tenure as owner of the Warriors has been highlighted with the longest playoff drought of any team in NBA history. From 1994 to 2007, the Warriors did not make the playoffs under Cohan. Under Cohan, the team has had nine head coaches and did not have a winning season until the 2006-2007 season."

Not only has Cohan been abjectly unavailing in his duties to oversee the franchise, he also, evidently, has a reputation for being a tremendously unlikable, cantankerous, and borderline sociopathic asshole. The Wiki entry continues:

"Chris Cohan sued his business partners to gain sole ownership of the Golden State Warriors in 1994. The Warriors were a popular, 50-win team at the time, and soon turned into a nationally ridiculed loser. Not only that, there was a long list of parties dragged into civil courtrooms by "Cohan the Contrarian" which included his stockbroker, life insurance agent, and primary attorney. Hard to believe, but all were longtime friends. One was the best man at Cohan's wedding and another a groomsman."

Safe to say that few tears have been shed over Cohan's continued legal troubles, including an ongoing tax-evasion investigation by the IRS, which likely is the catalyst behind Cohan's sudden urgency to sell the team. One must, at least, wonder. Cohan's timing is certainly peculiar, in that the NBA's morbid financial outlook is public knowledge at this point – bad, to say the least, and perhaps getting desperate if one is to believe what one reads – and thus the value of its teams are likewise depressed. That said, given Cohan's history of business decisions, selling the franchise low would be precisely the kind of thing we should expect.

But how low, as they say, can you go? BASM gets about 30 regular readers a day. Let's say we all throw in 2 G's – that's 60 large right there. I know a pharmacist in Pacheco who can get a bunch of Vic's and some Xanax at wholesale, and who also happens to owe me a pretty big favor. If I play my cards right I can probably get another 10 G out of the pills. I figure, among BASM's readers and our various revenue sources, we should be able to come up with like, maybe $100,000 all told. That should be enough for a fairly sizable minority share. Then we use that leverage to encourage Cohan to sell the remaining sum to someone we can control from behind the scenes, a sort of J. Howard Marshall like figure who can be manipulated through the ruse of a willing, preferably buxom, ingenue. This plan is not so far fetched.

A better option, anyway, than Larry Ellison, who, by all accounts, is a megalomaniac hellbent on controlling the entire universe. That, I do not want.

Kid's Got Heart

Jeezus. Watch this video of some fucker named Anthony Van Loo, a defender for SV Roeselare of Belgium's Jupiler League, suffer some mid-match cardiac-arrest, literally die for a few seconds, then be brought back to life by a defibrillator implanted in his heart. At about the 0:15 mark you can see his whole body jump off the ground as the Lown waves pulse through his sinoatrial node. That is some wild shit.

Not to self: if you ever have a heart-condition severe enough that doctors determine it necessary to have a defibrillator implanted into your heart, cease and desist the playing of professional sports.

For an enhanced video watching experience, get this song playing in another window.



And you thought soccer players were pussies.

Franchise Rankings: Warriors Bottom Gay, Giants Mostly Top Gay, Niners Utility Gay - So Says the Four Letter

I'm a little late to the party on this, but ESPN the Mag. ran a feature earlier in the month ranking all 122 major pro sports franchises based on 15 or so different factors, from "Title Tracking" to "Fan Experience" and everything in between. The Angels somehow got the number 1 spot, while the Clippers occupy the bottom-most position at 122.

Where do our beloved Bay Area teams fall?

We'll start with the Dubs, who scored an overall ranking of 109, just out of reach of the Atlanta Thrashers – a franchise I can honestly tell you I've never heard of – but still 10 spots better than the likes of the Detroit Lions. While their Overall Ranking is abysmal, the Warriors managed to take home the title of Professional Sports Franchise Least Likely to Win A Championship In the Lifetime of Its Current Fanbase! Fucking fantastic. As John Ryan of the San Jose Merc. points out, "The Warriors have now succeeded in eliminating all expectations." Good for them.

The Niners score an overall ranking of 87, which is still plenty shitty, if not abysmal. In terms of affordability, player personnel, and "Title Tracking" the Niners score mostly in the 25th percentile range, which all sounds about right given their current lack of direction. Also not surprisingly, the Niners score a ranking of 114th for Stadium Experience. Candlestick is no treat, but why for instance would Dodger Stadium be ranked 22nd? I can at least go to a Niner game and not worry about dying, which I think should probably be taken into consideration for future rankings.

The Giants score just 3 spots higher than the Niners at 84th overall. Again, in terms of personnel, title tracking, ownership, winning, etc. the Giants, like the Niners, are firmly in the lower quadrant. However, unlike the Niners, the Giants score a whopping 7th overall for Stadium Experience, including the #2 spot for Stadium Quality, behind only the Minnesota Wild.*

*This is really fucking confusing to me because the Wild, unless I'm mistaken, play their games indoors. Just in general, how could the quality of an indoor stadium ever compare to that of an outdoor stadium? Are the seats at the Xcel Energy Center made of chocolate or something? Do naked chicks walk around letting you touch their boobs? Do Wild fans get to actually participate in the games? How could looking across the ice at a group of ugly Minnesotans be better than looking out across AT&T at the Bay?

• Some weird inconsistencies from these rankings that raise questions about the validity of the entire project:

- The Red Wings are ranked 1st overall in Ownership. The Tigers are ranked 20th. Mike Illitch owns both teams.

- The Jets are ranked 109th in Stadium Quality. The New York Football Giants are ranked 97th. The A's are ranked 121st in Stadium Quality. The Raiders are ranked 115th.

Your thoughts...

Sabbatical Over, Mother Fucker

This is where I've been for the last week. Way better than writing gay shit about Bay Area sports. For real.



Now that I'm back, for all three of you who care, BASM will return to its semi-regular scheduling.

By the way, Burn After Reading sucks balls.

Look at this mutt

If Julian Tavarez was a dog...