OMG, Dreams Do Come True

As of last Friday, me and Tim Lincecum are friends! Check it out:




I know! Awesome.

The Most Dominant Baseball Team Ever Assembled

Two recent news items – this one about which players George Bush would pick if he was starting an MLB team, and this one about Brain Sabean and the current state of the Giants – have got me thinking about what kind of team I would put together if I could play GM for a day. After consulting with the Machine's #1 Fan, the man who invented and introduced me to the forthcoming revolutionary system for evaluating baseball players, I've constructed a 25-man roster that would without a doubt constitute the most dominant team in the history of baseball. Seriously, they're gonna be writing a book about this someday. Instead of "Moneyball" they'll call it "Swaggerball".

However, to make the selections a little more difficult I've restricted my picks to:

1) Players that have never played in an All-Star game. What fun would it be just to pick J-Rol, Beckett, Pujols, and all the obvious picks?

2) Players whose total salaries will be at or under the Giants' current $76mil payroll.

3) No Rookies

Now, before we get to the actual names, let me run you through the main criteria used to select these players. The Machine's #1 Fan and I agree that the following player characteristics are largely overlooked in today's game by insiders and fans alike. It's basically the opposite of Sabermetrics. Forget OPS. Forget Win Shares, and VORP, and PECOTA, and all that Math Club circlejerking. Swaggerball is all about attitude baby.

General Criteria

1. Swagger

I want my boys strutting their shit around town, picking up chicks, hanging out at fancy clubs, driving around in Escalades, and just being all-around badasses. Guest spots on rap albums are a plus. Diamonds and platinum chains are encouraged for black and Latino players, while the white guys will be expected to sport intimidating facial hair or gnarly tattoos or some other kind of white-trashy affectation. Everyone will be required to keep the bills of their hats mostly flat and cocked just a little to the side. Preferably each player will come with a little bit of personal baggage so that writers will occasionally refer to their "potential character issues", yet the players all keep their cool for the most part and aside from being a little surly with the media never get themselves into much trouble. As a reference, a writer at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution described Braves' top prospect, Jordan Schafer thusly,

"He drives a big Hummer and walks with a strut. He's the kid in high school who was the top jock and homecoming king, who might have dated the girl you wanted.
Make no mistake, Jordan Schafer is that guy — talented as all get-out, and he knows it."

Perfect. That's exactly what I'm looking for.

2. Imposing Physique

Everyone on my team will be yoked. None of these fat-shit, out of shape loafers. I like Bengie Molina and everything, I respect what he brings to the Giants everyday, but the guy has zero physical presence. Same goes for chicken-legged beanpoles like Hunter Pence. I can't stand that guy. Remember back in 2002 when Benito Santiago was at the height of his 'roid usage and his biceps were practically popping out of his sleeves? That's what I'm talking about. My team is in the gym everyday, taking every kind of supplement under the sun. I really don't care if they're taking steroids or not, but they all better have some fucking cannons. Gun show, baby. Put it this way, every position player should be able to star in his own Under Armour commercial.

And as an adjunct to having imposing physiques, my boys need to be willing to throw down and scrap. If for some reason and opposing team tries to start some static I want guys who are off the bench and throwing haymakers in the blink of an eye. You better believe that my pitchers are gonna be bringing it high and tight on a regular basis so some shit is bound to go down. We're gonna be like a pack of pitbulls, son.

Offense Specific Criteria

3. You Either Hit Bombs or You Steal A Shit Load of Bases

There is nothing I hate more than a guy who bats .300, hits a boat-load of doubles, and goes 15-15 every year. Fuck that. If you're gonna be on my squad you better be swinging for the fences or jacking bags like Willie Mays Hayes. Alex Rios, Nick Markakis, Ian Kinsler, Randy Winn, and all those middle of the road wannabes, need not apply. And when I say bombs, I mean BOMBS. Lefties are hitting balls into McCovey Cove and righties are taking aim on the Coca-Cola bottle in left. I want to be forced to relocate that little kids' wiffle ball field behind the bleachers cause dudes will continually be hitting moonshots out there. And I want my speedsters to be unhinged out on the basepaths. High fives all around for the guy who steals 3B with two outs when we're already up by 12 runs in the 7th inning just because he can. No mercy.

Pitching Specific Criteria

4. Power Arms, and Power Arms Only

If you're not consistently bringing a mid-90's gasoliner then you will not be making the squad. No fucking around on the mound. You bring the heat, you drop the occasional hammer, and you throw strikes. Any guy who gets caught nibbling at the corners will be summarily cut. If you walk a few batters because you're overthrowing and you lose control for a few innings, or if you're giving away free passes just because you feel like plunking a couple of people, no problem, we can work with that. But if you're constantly aiming at the black and working deep into counts and all that bullshit, throwing first pitch changeups and trying to freeze guys with backdoor breaking balls, then you can push toes. We don't need that horseshit. Yeah, maybe every few innings a batter runs into a high fastball and puts it over the fence. Whatever. You stare his ass down the whole way around the bases and his next at bat you throw a 99mph pill right at his fucking jaw. "How's that taste, bitch?"

Defense Specific Criteria

5. The Hose

Like in Sabermetrics the Machine's defensive evaluation system is a little less refined than for pitching and batting. That being said, there is one thing that I know for sure, every player on my team has to have a hose (1st basemen excluded). Torii Hunter can make all the diving catches he wants, but he will never crack my squad with that limp noodle hanging from his shoulder. And guys like Mark Kotsay, who are considered to have "good arms" just because they're accurate, don't make the cut either. If you see a runner trying to take and extra base then you take your crow-hop, cock your arm back, and turn it loose. I want to be able to hear that thing whizzing over the cutoff man's head from up in the owner's box. If a guy's trying to tag from 3B on a flyball and you feel like showing off for the groupies in the bleachers, feel free to airmail everything and hit the backstop on a fly, just to prove what a cannon you have. No problem, 1 run scores. BFD. Next inning you're stepping to the plate and swinging for the fences.

Quick recap. We are looking for the following attributes in a player:

1. Swagger
2. Imposing Physique
3. Hit Bombs and/or Steal A Lot of Bases
4. Power Arm
5. Hose

Without further ado, here's the lineup (and remember NO All-Stars and a payroll under $76 mil):

1. 2B – Hanley Ramirez ($11.6mil)









If you Google "Hanley Ramirez swagger" this is the snippet you get under the 3rd result: "You want swagger? Hanley Ramirez is still doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants…"

And here is a sampling of an interview he gave to Scout.com's David Laurila when he was a 20 year old prospect with Boston:

DL: Tell us about growing up and playing baseball. Did your dad teach you how to play?

HR: I was born with talent – no one taught me.

That is swag.

I don't have to sit here and extol the virtues of Han-Ram to this crowd. We've all seen him play. He's up there wagging his stick like Gary Sheffield, flossing ice in his right ear, hitting 430 foot bombs all over the yard, and making catcher's look silly even though they know he's running. Dude could go 50-50 and no one would be shocked.

Han-Ram's only real deficit is that he's a less than adequate SS and his hose doesn't quite live up to my high standards. But because he's got plenty of range to play a middle-infield position, and he played some 2B as a member of the Sea Dogs, this position change makes sense. No one on my team really cares much about defense anyway.

2. CF – B.J. Upton ($0.412)









Upton's given name is actually Melvin Emmanuel. So what does B.J. stand for? Bossman Junior. Are you serious? Any guy who publicly goes by the monicker 'Bossman' is automatically on this squad. I also like the fact that Upton is a preternaturally gifted athlete. I didn't include this in the criteria section, but another thing I look for in a player is raw, god-given talent. I have no patience for these "overcome my physical limitations through hard work" clowns. I want effortless success. While those other guys spend their off-seasons dragging tires up mountains, my boys are lounging with their entourages, smoking blunts, playing X-box, and ghost-riding their whips. Not that B.J. Upton does those things, in fact from all accounts he's a pretty hard worker himself, but the point is, he could.

3. CF - Matt Kemp ($0.406)









The Bison is the quintessential Machine kind of player. He has tons of swag, is absolutely swole, hits BOMBS, steals bases like there's no tomorrow, and has a canon for a right arm that he frequently uses to airmail his cutoff-man. Matt Kemp is built tougher than a robot made of nails.

To top it all off, eminent Dodgers blog Sons of Steve Garvey wrote this about the Bison:

Kemp doesn't appear to be that approachable. His countenance, particularly last year, seems to reflect a surly disposition, sometimes almost aloof in his expression. And when he is called out on a close play, or is visibly unhappy about anything, he seems to be really, really angry. Menacing. As if he's about to explode.

And I don't want to hear people saying, "He's a Dodger. How could you pick a Dodger? You hate the Dodgers..." Blah, blah, blah. Here's the thing. Matt Kemp doesn't play for the Dodgers. Matt Kemp plays for Matt Kemp.

4. 3B – Ryan Braun ($5.625)










The HeBrewer hits jacks and he's got undeniable swag. Unfortunately he's pretty shitty at 3B, but the hot corner is extremely thin in the swag department and somebody's gotta play there. Also, Braun isn't really as physically imposing as I'd like, and he seems unwilling to grow any facial hair or get a tattoo (he would definitely be retaking his media photo as soon as he stepped into my clubhouse), but he's still a badass. Last year, sometime in June, maybe a month after he'd been called up by the Brewers, the Giants were in Milwaukee and Zito was on the hill. In his first AB, Braun, a rookie with absolutely no business showing up Zito, absolutely crushes a hanging curveball, flips his bat, and just starts walking to first base. He was literally 20 feet down the line before he went into his jog. I was pissed at the time. But I now realize I was just being a hater. Braun mashes and he's a stud.

5. RF – Josh Hamilton ($0.397)









The Natural will be wearing the captain's 'C' on his Machine jersey. Dude straight up rakes. Every single at bat Hamilton hits the ball hard somewhere. He is uncanny. And of course, there's Hamilton's personal history…

Hamilton gets drafted #1 overall by the Devil Rays straight out of high school in 1999. They hand the 18 year old a $4 million bonus. He is the ultimate prospect. Hamilton is a lefty who gets routinely clocked pitching in the high 90's and also hits .556 with 13 HR and 20 steals in just 25 games as a senior. According to scouts he is the most naturally gifted hitter since Mickey Mantle. There is literally no ceiling for how good this guy can be.

Then in 2001 he gets in a car accident and has to take some time off. Next thing you know he's spending all his free time at a tattoo parlor where he's covering his cannons with crazy flame tats and other badass designs. His new tattoo-parlor friends introduce Hambone to a world of non-stop drinking and drugs. He becomes an alcoholic. Marijuana use leads to cocaine. Cocaine leads to crack. By 2003 his life is a mess. The guy just disappears from Spring Training for 6 weeks without telling a soul. Major League Baseball is eventually forced to suspend Hamilton from playing for the entire 2004 and 2005 seasons. The once can't miss prospect, misses. Badly.

Then, last season, after a prolonged stint at rehab, the Chicago Cubs Rule 5 draftee, since traded to the Reds and from there to the Rangers, picks up right where he left off as a greener than green 18 year old rookie. Just mashing.

6. 1B – Travis Hafner ($14.25)









Like Bossman, anyone who's nickname is Project Donkey automatically gets on this roster. I know Pronk has been struggling of late and playing him everyday at 1B might be considered a liability, but all that stuff is immaterial. The problem with Pronk is that he lost his swag a little bit. Back in 2005, when he was the most intimidating hitter on the planet, he was walking to the plate with a strut, staring down pitchers, and then watching from the batter's box as his 450 ft. jacks were sailing into the 2nd deck. Once he gets in the Machine's clubhouse and starts kicking it with guys like Han-Ram and Bossman, Pronk will get back to his old form. Plus, is there any guy in the league who you'd least like to get in a fight with than Pronk? He's a beast.

7. C – Ryan Doumit ($0.412)









Before you start freaking out, thinking, "What the hell is Ryan Doumit doing on this team?" first just look at that picture. Obviously he's got at least a little badass in him. Not to mention that the catcher position is by far the thinnest when it comes to guys who would fit into the Machine's swagger heavy evaluation metric. There are some up and comers like Big Salty and Jeff Clement, but both of those guys have been quiet since they made it to the show. Anyway, I was watching the Giants play the Pirates last week and as soon as Doumit stepped to the plate in the first inning, my mind was made up. This guy was the man. You know what song Doumit has playing when he steps to the plate?



HOLY SHIT! The greatest, most badass, most intimidating song of all-time. Opposing pitchers just start crapping their pants as soon as they hear that opening riff. I am sold. Ryan Doumit, welcome aboard.

8. SS – Troy Tulowitzki ($5.167)









I think people underestimate Tulo's swag. One scout described his personality as "brash, with extreme self-confidence". Last year Troy Renck of the Denver Post wrote an article gushing over Tulo's sometimes belligerent attitude on the field,

" Already this season, he has called out the St. Louis Cardinals' David Eckstein for spiking him, pushed an opposing catcher and accused the Toronto Blue Jays' Jason Phillips of diving at his knees during a play at the plate. When Tulo is on the field, he's prepared to eat nails for a victory."

Some candy-ass blogger wrote this last year before the World Series,

" I will be cheering for [the Rockies] (go National League!) except for Troy Tulowitzki who I hate for no good reason except that I think he's cocky and a bit of a show off."

That's right. When people hate you because you're the man and you know it, you get a spot on my squad.

And let's not forget that Tulo has one of the best arms in all of baseball. He's been clocked at throwing 94mph from SS to 1B. That, my friends, is a hose. And he loves to show it off. If you watch a Rockies game, Tulo will field a groundball and hesitate for about 3 steps, just teasing the runner, then fire a pea over to 1B to get the out. I'm also convinced that he plays about 2 or 3 steps further up the middle than he should, so he's forced to field grounders a little deeper in the hole from where he can unleash his cannon without mercy. It's a thing of beauty.

_______________________________

Lineup Recap:

1. Han-Ram, 2B
2. Bossman, LF
3. The Bison, CF
4. The HeBrewer, 3B
5. Hammer, RF
6. Pronk, 1B
7. Doumit, C
8. Tulo, SS

__________________________________________________________________________________________

*The Machine is on hiatus the rest of this weekend as I'll be traveling to Irvine. I'll be back sometime in the middle of next week with the Pitchers and the bench.

Book Review: Everyman

At just 182 pages Philip Roth's "Everyman" is probably most accurately described as a novella, but no matter. A winner of the 2007 PEN/Faulkner Award for fiction, the book, however you want to classify it, sketches the life of an unnamed male protagonist who in his descent (ascent?) into senescence becomes increasingly obsessed with death and the act of dying. There's a sentence on page 71 that pretty much summarizes the whole thing:

"He'd married three times, had mistresses and children and an interesting job where he'd been a success, but now eluding death seemed to have become the central business of his life and bodily decay his entire story."

Aside from death dodging, the ailing protagonist attempts to reconnect with his estranged sons, reconcile the 2nd of his 3 marriages, resist the envy he feels towards his wildly successful, wildy healthy, and wildly likeable older brother, and most poignantly, to make sense of the fact that his only recourse against death is his increasingly carnal sexual yearnings. The protagonist, a former ad exec, spends his waning days in a shoreline retirement community where he paints furiously in an effort to satisfy the artistic inclinations he possessed as a youth. But to no avail. No intellectual or artistic pursuit has any meaning to him when compared to death, "But to think is to be full of sorrow," the man says. Yes, the only meaningful thing in his life anymore is to sit by the boardwalk where he can watch young women jog by in tight clothes and fantasize about them in bed. No wonder then that for Roth's protagonist, "Old age isn't a battle; old age is a massacre."

The 78 year-old Roth has always been obsessed with sex but never quite this obsessed with death. His meditations in "Everyman" on the subject are predictably morbid, yet surprisingly pessimistic. The picture Roth paints of getting old – presumably one colored by his own experience – is bleak, and depressing, and in my opinion pretty shallow. The protagonist is an adulterer, he's self-absorbed, he's weak, and all of his existential anxiety is more or less a consequence of his own actions. Basically he's an asshole, and the reader need not look too deeply to understand why when this guy takes stock on his life he is confronted almost exclusively by failure and disappointment.

Ultimately I think that "Everyman" serves the identical purpose as the famous 15th C. play of the same name. It's a morality play. Though Roth's intention does not seem to be to show his reader's how one might get into heaven, he does seem to be making a few suggestions on how one might make life more meaningful, or at least more satisfying. Perhaps Roth's "Everyman" is more a cautionary tale, a how not to. That's how I read it anyway.

Rating: 3/5

Sweep The Leg!

Editor's note: The Machine's #1 Fan is a BASM correspondent. He's best known for his uncompromising views on liberals, his unapologetically racist worldview, and his extreme homoeroticism. On Thursday night he was in attendance for "Totally Rad 80's Night" at Chukchansi Park, home of the AAA Fresno Grizzlies. He reports:

Zabka, center and wearing his trademark Cobra Kai headband, poses with Grizzlies media personnel.

There are three things that you need to know about The Machine’s #1 Fan before you read this blog post:

1) Matt Kemp is some sort of alternate being. I am not going to go out and say that he is a God, but he is definitely in a different phylum than anybody reading this post.

2) The Giants definitely have the worst group of fans of all time. I am not saying that they don’t support their team, I am just saying that if you root for the SF Giants, you immediately forfeit any semblance of swagger you might have had. It is really hard to have swagger when you are sipping a glass of Chianti and rooting for a group of washed up vets and a 21 year old emo/skater pitcher.

3) Brian Sabean is the worst GM of all time (something The Machine and I agree on) and the way he has butchered the Giants and their farm system is comical.

With that out of the way, we can get to the issue at hand. The BASM is moving up in the world, as I (a representative of the Machine) am in the Press Box of Chukchansi Park in Fresno, CA, home of The Fresno Grizzlies (The Giants AAA squad.)The BASM is taking the first steps to officially bridge the gap of “traditional media” and “new media.” Not easiest thing in the world to do (as evidenced by Costas Now,) but the BASM is no ordinary blog. The BASM transcends groups and subcultures. There is no bridge the BASM can’t cross, no road the BASM can’t take. Nothing is off-limits. For example, I am a Dodger fan writing for a blog written for Giants fans, in the middle of a press box full of “real” sports reporters. Look to the cookie Elaine, look to the cookie.

Anyways, I am not here for just an ordinary Grizzlies Game. I am here for “Totally Rad 80s Night” featuring Billy Zabka, which also happens to fall on “Thirsty Thursdays” where Tecate (Fresno Baby!) beers are a buck all night. Let the good times roll. For those of you who are totally lame (sorry, I am already in the 80s mood), Billy Zabka was an 80s icon who appeared in such classics as The Karate Kid, Just one of the Guys, and Back to School. Let’s just say that The Machine’s #1 Fan was pretty excited to see the man who worked with such greats as Ralph Macchio, Rodney Dangerfield, and Pat Morita.

Coming into the night, I was hoping for two things. First, there were rumors of a re-enactment of the final fight from The Karate Kid featuring Zabka and The Grizzly mascot. Second, I have a connection within the Grizzly organization that thought that they might be able to get me some one on one time with Zabka. Sadly, the BASM and its #1 fan didn’t quite have as much pull as I thought, and I went 0 for 2. Bummer, but as a wise man once said: “Thems the breaks.” However, the night wasn’t a total waste as some highlights included:

• Right before the game got going, the Jumbotron played a music video produced by Zabka simply called, “Sweep the Leg.” Absolutely one of the greatest minutes of my life. Imagine Footloose meets Dodgeball meets The Cobra Kai. Words can’t do it justice. I need to get a copy of this thing and put it on YouTube STAT.

• Very cute Grizzly media intern sat down right next to me. Definitely a 1**. Needless to say, The Machine’s #1 Fan didn’t say a whole lot during the game and spent breaks in the action refreshing Matt Kemp’s Wikipedia page hoping somebody updated it with breaking info that Matt Kemp leaked a sex tape, but that’s neither here nor there.
**Note: I am a firm believer in the binary system when it comes to women. All girls are either 1s or 0s. Either you would, or you wouldn’t. What is the point in differentiating between a 6 and a 7?

• “Zabka on Zabka” trivia. Poor guy, they put him right on the spot and asked him three questions about his acting career. He went 0 for 3. Maybe he really couldn’t remember who the Cinematographer was on The Karate Kid (James Crabe), or maybe he wanted to fit in with the rest of the Fresno Grizzlies. Either way, it wasn’t pretty.

• The crowd really wasn’t into the whole, “Totally Rad 80s” gimmick. The only people I saw dressed up were the ushers. However, I did see a guy wearing a throwback LA Rams Eric Dickerson jersey, so maybe that counts as something.

• They did do a re-enactment of the famous “Crane” kick from TKK, but they used some random dude instead of Zabka. Mildly entertaining, but also mildly insulting. Why couldn’t they just use Zabka?

• Video montage of Zabka’s career between innings. Let’s just say there are not a lot of clips of Zabka in his late 20s, thirties, or forties…

• The ground crew did their best Michael Jackson impersonation as they dragged the infield to Beat It. Probably got the crowd more into it than anything else during the course of the night.
Some quick thoughts on the game:

• The Grizzlies have the worst team ever. The only players I recognized were Nate Schierholtz and Brian Bocock. Not exactly Fantasy Farm team material… Check out their 3-4-5 hitters.

o #3 hitter: 31 year old Justin Leone. Signed in ’06 as a minor league FA. .233/.344/.481. Not a bad line I guess, but a 31 year old in AAA should be putting up decent numbers.

o Clean-Up hitter: 1B Scott McClain. .259/.350/.496. For a second, I thought that this guy might be a legit prospect, then I found out that he is a 35 year old RH 1B. Unbelievable. How does Sabean have a job? Even the Giants AAA squad is absurdly old and untalented.

o #5 hitter: Nate Schierholtz. .308/.357/.519. Plus he is only 24, which means that if given a chance, he might actually develop into a useful MLB player. However, since he is in the Giants organization and has Randy Winn blocking his path… the chance that he is ever given a real shot is slim to none

.
• Nice line for the Grizzlies SP Nick Pereira: 2.1 IP, 7ER, 2 HBPs, 3 HR allowed. I wouldn’t get too bummed out Nick, with those numbers, Sabean might sign you to a 7 year, 126 Million dollar extension.

• Ian Stewart playing 3B tonight for the Colorado Springs SkySox could be good, real good. Starting the night he had a line of .268/.358/.587 and helped his cause in the 1st by hitting an absolute bomb to right-center and a grand slam in the 8th. However, since Gilbert (Lew Ford) drafted him on his fantasy farm team last spring, there is a 100% chance that Stewart never lives up to his full potential. Gilbert’s losing stench seeps onto everyone and everything he comes into contact with. Too bad, he could have been something special…

• Hungry like the Wolf by Duran Duran is a great song. Definitely need to mix that one in a bit more on my playlists.

• Speaking of great songs, if I was a closer, I would definitely enter to “Panama” by Van Halen.

• I have no ideas how announcers call balls and strikes, from the press box it is impossible to tell if a pitch is too high or too low, unless it is way above the letters or in the dirt.

As I am typing this, the game is wrapping up. The Grizzlies are losing 11-3 in the 8th. The crowd has started to filter out (mainly because beer sales have been done for 2 innings) and The Machine’s #1 fan just had a dream come true as Billy Zabka just made the rounds in the press box (still no one on one time, but I got an introduction). If only I brought my camera…
My final thought as my first (and probably last) day as a member of the press, is disappointment. Entering the day, I had high hopes. I wanted to interview a cult hero, I wanted to see drunken Fresnoians (?) sing Madonna classics, I wanted to see the Grizzly Mascot give Zabka a Crane kick to the chin. I got none of the above. What I did get however, was the chance expand the scope and influence of the BASM. I got the opportunity to try to help close that gap between old and new and I hopefully gave you, the reader, an entertaining glimpse of a gimmicky night at a minor league baseball game. It might not be much, but it is something. Buzz Bizzenger and Bob Costas, eat your hearts out.

- The Machine’s #1 Fan

The Ass Clown Brian Sabean Talks Out of His Ass Mouth

Loyal reader (!) JKeel sent the Machine this link this morning from Sfgate.com, the Chronicle's online paper. In it, Giants General Manager and Ass Clown non-pareil, Brian Sabean explains why he thinks the Giants have a shot at contending for the playoffs THIS year. In the article Sabean comes off as completely delusional, idiotic, and downright lame. Rather than give even a single compelling reason for why the Giants might be considered contenders - I don't know, like because they have one of the best young pitching staffs in all of baseball - Sabean summarizes his argument by saying,

"I think we can throw a combination of people out there who can play."

Wow! Holy shit! I didn't know you were such a savvy fucking GM that you somehow managed to compile an entire roster of players who can play all of the fucking positions. Forget whether or not those players have any fucking skill, they can play, and there's a combination of them. Mother fucker. Unlike all those other teams throwing geriatrics and amputees onto the field who couldn't field a ground-ball if their legless, wheel-chair stricken lives depended on it. Congradufuckinglations Sabean!

I hope you get Deep Vein Thrombosis.

President Bush Knows More About Baseball Than Everyone on Baseball Tonight

President Bush recently gave an interview to politico.com in which he was asked this baseball related question:

Q: Mr. President, I know you’re going to hate this, but I’m hoping that we may twist your arm and talk about baseball for just a moment. (Laughter.) Mr. President, you’re a Major League Baseball team owner again. Everyone is a free agent. You have a Yankees-like wallet. Who is your first position player? Who’s your pitcher?

THE PRESIDENT: That’s a great question. I like Utley from the Philadelphia Phillies. He’s a middle infielder, which is always — you know, they say you have to have strength up the middle — there’s nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit. And Roy Halladay from the Toronto Blue Jays is a great pitcher. He’s a steady guy, he burns up innings. And I’m sure I’m leaving some other good ones out, but those –

Q: We thought you were going to go A-Rod, Josh Beckett.

THE PRESIDENT: Josh Beckett is good, yes, he’s real good, too. I mean, look, that’s a tough question to answer on the fly like this, Michael.

Who is else is really impressed? I know Bush was an owner of an MLB franchise and should therefore be expected to have some insight into the game, but all things considered, his choices are entirely respectable. Plus, his rationale for why he would choose Utley and Halladay reveal and even deeper understanding of the game. I mean, c'mon, that Halladay is a "steady guy" who "burns up innings" is precisely what makes him such an asset. For a guy who ostensibly spends 18 hours a day reading intelligence reports and attending to matters of State, he knows an awful lot about baseball. On second thought, maybe that isn't such a good thing.

Thanks to Umpbump for the link.

Giants Game Notes: It's A Big Daddy Thing

Big Daddy Cain was as close to top form as he's been all season last night, allowing 2 earned runs in 8 full, on 7 hits, 4 BB, and 5 K's. While that line doesn't exactly scream PWNAGE, Cain had a lot working against him. For one, the Astros are the hottest team in baseball. Going into last night's game they had won 9 of 10 so far in the month of May and their entire lineup was scorching, especially Sir Lance Berkman who, over this stretch, has a slash line of .619/1.143/1.816! Huh, wuh, who? That is absurd.

Cain's line is additionally misleading because the first of those earned runs was on account of a John Bowker Bill Buckner re-enactment that the official scorer inexplicably ruled a hit. Instead of leading to a double-play, the elusive groundball allowed the baserunner on 1st to advance to 3rd and eventually score on a 2-out baseknock. Likewise, Aaron A. Aaaronson Rowan brutally misplayed a Hunter Pence line drive, turning a sure flyout into a stand-up double. None of this is all that important, but only reiterates that Cain pitched even better than his line suggests.

Oh yeah, and Big Daddy hit his 2nd jimmy of the year, a solo shot to lead off the 5th. Boo yeah. On the year now, Cain is batting .294/.706/1.074. The guy rakes.



• Offensively, nearly all the damage was done in the first inning as Freddy Loo's lead-off triple was the first of three extra-basehits in the inning. All Giants baserunners would score in the inning, the last of which came around on a wild pitch. Lewis finished the night just a 4-bagger shy of the cycle, but aside from his 3 hit evening and Matt Cain's BOMB, Giant bats were very quiet for the remainder of the game. A few singles got sprinkled here and there, but the Giants went down futiley in most frames with nary even a hard hit ball during the proceedings.

• Aaron A. Aaronson Rowand's bat stayed quiet last night, but Did You Know?, Rowand's line drive rate is 29.7% on the year. That is freakishly high. Only Ryan Ludwick of the Cardinals (37.3%), and Matt Kemp (31.3%), of course, are better in that regard. The highest LD% over the course of a full-season, since the stat has been kept, was when Brian Roberts achieved a 27.4% mark in '05 (thanks to Fan Graphs for the info). Other than signifying that Rowand is hitting the ball extremely hard and squarely, it also projects to a sustainably high BAoBIP. So long as Row keeps cranking frozen ropes all over the field, he should continue to produce at his current level, or higher.

• Can we all agree that as much as we regret Brian Sabean and his perverted vision of rebuilding, it is an absolute treat to watch Omar "the Power Glove" Vizquel every night? He is so freaking smooth out there, it makes me melt inside. I could watch him take grounders all day.